We often use the word «toxic» when talking about passive-aggressive acquaintances or intimate relationships with a partner who poisons our lives. But how, at what point does a person become «toxic»? At what age does this «poison» accumulate in the body? Clinical psychologist Yulia Lapina helps to find answers to these questions.
A person who will spoil life with eternal discontent, outbursts of anger or constant control can be found anywhere: in the office, in the stairwell or in your own apartment. But the question is: can only adults be toxic? At what point, from what age do these destructive traits appear in a person?
“The theme of toxic people came from the concept of a toxic parent,” says Yulia Lapina. — Such a parent does not believe that the child should be treated with respect, he does not compromise, does not take responsibility for his behavior and does not apologize. Blackmail, yelling, scandals, and violence (verbal or physical) are things that can be found in toxic families. Sometimes these parents have a mental disorder or alcohol/drug addiction.”
And so, interacting with a child, such a person imperceptibly and gradually, like poison, destroys or deforms his psyche. How does this happen?
«Plumbing» of life
“The bond between parent and child is the water pipe of life,” Yulia Lapina explains. — The child’s psyche is “attuned” to a significant adult and receives everything that comes through this “water supply” without filtering. And that’s the main problem with parental toxicity.»
Yes, a harmful and despotic boss can spoil our lives very much. Our mother-in-law’s nagging is unbearable, our colleague’s injections are painful. But we are adults, and in our environment there is a high probability that there will be those who will “serve” as an antidote, who will support and understand.
In the end, we can always, albeit not without certain losses, break off a toxic relationship, but a child cannot. He cannot divorce the parent or resign from the position of the child. The anger of a significant adult is a threat to life and the worst nightmare. This is partly why the toxic behavior of a parent not only deforms the psyche, but pathologically forms the self-structure of the child.
Severe corporal punishment increases a child’s risk of mental health problems
A small person, if possible, tries to adapt to the poisonous influence of an adult, because this is a matter of survival. What kind of adaptation strategy the psyche chooses depends largely on personal characteristics and the genetic lottery, the expert explains. It can be aggression or auto-aggression, withdrawal into oneself or outbursts of hyperactivity, fights with brothers and sisters, or inconspicuous self-flagellation.
Many studies confirm that physical punishment at home is a risk factor for the development of antisocial behavior in a growing child in the future.
Severe corporal punishment increases a child’s risk of mental health problems. Young people who were subjected to corporal punishment as children are more likely to be physically, emotionally and sexually abused by their girlfriends. And there are thousands of other similar studies.
Sometimes parents come up with their own childhood traumas. For example, mothers who were beaten as children or who were victims of partner violence were found to be more likely to physically punish their children. And such parents «live» in the head of the child even after he grows up and completely stops communicating with them. According to the American psychotherapist David Allen, “unhealthy behavioral patterns usually develop over at least three generations.”
dramatic consequences
When do the effects of toxic parenting begin to show in a child’s behavior?
“Can you imagine a toxic baby? Yulia Lapina reflects. — Of course not, although some mothers in moments of impotence may see evil intent and a desire to “manipulate” in the endless cry of a nursing baby. The child not only does not have such an intention, he also does not have the opportunity to change behavior.
Can a 3-5 year old preschooler be toxic when, for example, he tries to lie? The child learns not from what he is told, but from what he sees. Do parents cheat on children? Of course, starting from threats “uncle the policeman will take it away”, ending with requests to eat “the last spoonful”. Many children begin to lie, copying the behavior of an adult — and do this in order to protect themselves.
Sometimes it also happens that a child, not knowing what to do with the pain that falls on him at home, begins to behave aggressively in kindergarten, then at school. And some of them become bullies.
“These children grow up without prohibitions, they don’t know what parental authority is,” explains existential psychologist Svetlana Krivtsova. — And at the same time, they really lack the attention and respect of adults. Longing for these feelings causes them strong aggression, which is suppressed for some time: the child cannot throw it out on his parents, he is looking for a suitable target for himself.
If authoritative adults — teachers, educators — do not allow the child to show aggression with impunity, he quickly learns to control his behavior. “Most bullies are children with pronounced narcissistic traits,” continues Svetlana Krivtsova. “They grow up without an inner sense of their own dignity, self-worth, and therefore they always have to assert themselves at the expense of other people, to prove their superiority.
Unfortunately, buller parents are often just as narcissistic as their child. They can severely punish him, but he will unleash evil on the next victim. Approximately 50% of bullies themselves are also victims in the family or in another team.
Sometimes we are affected by a toxic environment — a yard, a dysfunctional school
“Within the family, a wounded child can bully a younger brother or sister, bringing down on him anger, anger, resentment,” confirms Yulia Lapina. “But still, it would be wrong to consider any problematic behavior of a child in society solely as a problem of a difficult family. Sometimes we are affected by a toxic environment — a yard, a dysfunctional school, friends. And then aggressive, cruel, humiliating behavior is a way to adapt to the new “family”. Who is more easily influenced by the environment? The one who is looking for in the team what he lacked at home and is ready to go to any lengths to get it. Bullying others can also be the price of joining a group. But it would not always be right to blame the parents for this.
Reorienting himself to a group that is significant for him, a teenager can imitate the rules of behavior adopted there — from humiliating the weak to open fights and drug use. In this situation, parents cannot influence directly, but they can transfer the teenager to another school, take him to another city, and find a non-toxic environment for him.
Beyond the norm
“A separate complex and debatable issue is the issue of children’s mental pathologies, where genetics probably plays a significant role,” says Yulia Lapina. — For example, when sadistic traits are caused by a desire for relaxation, and the child harms other children. Professional support is required to solve this problem. A special story is children with severe attachment disorders who grew up in an orphanage or in very dysfunctional families. In this case, one cannot do without working with a specialist, and, fortunately, they are now talking about this at the courses of foster parents.
But whatever behavioral problems a child may have, whether caused by genetics, upbringing, trauma, or all of the above, labeling “toxic” will not help adults reach out to a child and deal with the situation together. After all, the point is not in definitions, but in understanding the problem and finding a way to healing.