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Where do spoiled children come from: a psychologist’s opinion
You have completely spoiled the child, you cannot find a court for him, wait, he will show you some more, you will regret not having raised him before, but … it will be too late.
What mother, at least once in her life, has not heard from those around her this set of standard phrases aimed at her and her child. Usually they sound when our child does not behave the way the surrounding adults want: he is capricious, argues, does not agree with the rules, behaves aggressively, swears at adults.
Let’s figure out what pampering is, what it leads to and how it appears. Psychologist Olga Pisarik will help us with this.
How do you know if your child is spoiled?
You can recognize a spoiled child by some peculiarities in his behavior:
- he does not see his mistakes,
- does not admit his failures,
- not ready to lose
- easily provoked
- refuses to see his imperfections,
- it “gets stuck” in receiving what is not available,
- he knows no boundaries.
In this article we will talk about children, but I would like to note that spoiled adults are not such a rarity, and for sure among your friends you can easily remember 2-3 people who can be called spoiled.
The main sign of being spoiled – a person seems to get stuck in his own perfection and refuses to admit that the world does not revolve around him and not everything happens the way he wants. And you usually want to win all the time, to be the best in everything, to be always desired, the most, the most: the smartest, the most beautiful, the most significant, do only what you want, get only positive experience, demand a miracle, be perfect and have an ideal life …
If we think about the signs of being spoiled, we will see that, in principle, any little child is spoiled.
Any kid expects that the world will revolve around him, that he will experience only positive emotions and always get what he wants. There is nothing wrong with this, nature intended that we all are born “spoiled”, expecting from life to fulfill any of our whims.
At the same time, when an adult demonstrates the same attitude to life, it no longer seems nice or reasonable. The inability to come to terms with the imperfection of this world inhibits psychological development, makes one stop at the slightest obstacle, makes it impossible to realize one’s personal potential.
Pampering does not arise from the fact that the child is fed up with an abundance of toys, does not lack attention, is loved and treated kindly by everyone. It is impossible to love a child too much, to pay too much attention to him, to nurture him too much.
Pampering has nothing to do with material wealth or social status.
Pampering occurs when adults do not allow the child to get upset, do not allow him to feel the natural course of things, to experience natural sadness that something went wrong, something doesn’t work out.
Many adults cannot stand children’s tears and are ready to do anything to stop these tears: they distract, shame, intimidate, so long as the child does not cry, does not feel sad, does not suffer! Adults are trying with all their might to make the child’s world perfect. And for the time being it can work, but there comes a moment when a child leaves the house to society, goes to school or his parents enroll him in the sports section – and suddenly it turns out that he is not the smartest, not the most agile, not the most beautiful! And this information is impossible to survive, the sky falls to the ground, the child’s world is shattered into pieces.
Because there was no experience of experiencing failures, there was no experience of not being able to get what you wanted, there was no experience of seeing the light at the other end of the tunnel either. Psychologically, the child becomes very fragile and is no longer able to come to terms with the minimal imperfection of the surrounding reality.
If in childhood the child did not experience a collision with futility, then he remains too fragile and soon life destroys him
How can you help your child become more psychologically resilient?
By helping the child to experience and cry out small sorrows, we prepare him to face the big ones. The task of parents is to be patient, supporting the child in his suffering. Your favorite toy was lost, or your best friend didn’t invite you for your birthday, your younger brother tore up the drawing, or maybe your dad won at checkers or something terrible happened – mom took the tablet, don’t laugh at the child’s grief, don’t shame him, don’t distract and don’t haggle, promising even better, more beautiful …
Sit next to, hug, sympathize, let the tears flow, be a person for the child, in whose arms it is comfortable to cry and be comforted… And when the tears dry up and the look clears up, your child will suddenly see that the grief, which seemed unbearable until recently, has actually been successfully experienced and life continues.