Where do bad kids come from?

“This is just a pathologically cruel child! Did you see what he did to my son?!» Such parental emotions are familiar to many of those who work professionally with children, teachers and psychologists. The words of adults seething with the indignation they feel when confronted with the behavior of some children. But they also sound something else — the confidence that such children have developed a special, innate cruelty. And this confidence is the stronger, the more terrible the act that the child committed …

In the Novosibirsk region, an 8-year-old boy killed a 3-year-old girl on a playground, the RIA Novosti portal reports. In the Krasnoyarsk Territory, a 10-year-old schoolboy, a good student, stabbed his own grandmother with a knife … Can you even assume that these children are normal?

It is impossible to say that “everything is fine” with them. But it is impossible, experts Tatyana Bednik and Margarita Nesterenko are convinced, to consider these children as «born monsters.» Because none of us is born initially good or cruel, a protector of the weak or a ruthless tormentor. Not a single child from the cradle is evil. This is as true as the fact that no baby is born civilized, ready to live by the rules of society. Because at the very beginning of life, his mental organization is still infinitely far from him.

Why is he being cruel?

The fact that the behavior of a small child is controlled by his desires, his internal impulses, was written by Sigmund Freud. The child wants something — he reaches for the object and takes it. He wants to hit — he hits. While he is not able to control these impulses, he feels an irresistible need to satisfy them immediately. This mechanism is strengthened by what Freud called the «pleasure principle»: the sole purpose of behavior is to get what gives pleasure as soon as possible.

And the fact that the child is imbued with a sharp sense of his omnipotence: he feels himself the center of everything that happens. It is important for him to be convinced of this again and again: therefore, he feels satisfaction when he controls the situation — by taking away someone else’s toy or hitting someone. Thus, without the help of adults, he cannot become a civilized person. How to help him? Only upbringing. And for adults, this is perhaps the most difficult work, since it does not consist of only notations on the topic “what is good and what is bad,” but involves constant attention to the child and his behavior.

What is the task of education?

The point, in fact, experts explain, is to teach a child the rules of life among other people in ordinary, everyday situations — rules that he does not yet know and cannot learn on his own. Indeed, in human society, each of us is free to think and talk about anything, but it is impossible to do absolutely everything that we want. You can’t insult other people, hurt them, and even more so, kill them. That is, one must learn to resolve disputes not with fists, but with the help of words. No one has the right to encroach on someone else’s property. Therefore, it is forbidden to take away toys from others, even if you really want to.

Sexual life is also subject to rules. Such relationships are prohibited between parents and children and between members of the same family. And they are possible between people only with the consent of each. That is, there can be no question of the three of us dragging little Masha over the veranda and pulling off her panties …

But the work of parents is not limited to explaining the rules to the child. They must see to it that they are carried out, and that their violation is punished. And this will require firmness — even if the offense seems harmless, as often happens when the child is small. “Yes, he stole from the store — but only chewing gum …”

The severity of a breach is never measured by the value of the item that caused it. Because, breaking the rule, the child always unconsciously seeks to check: is it as solid as the adult told him? If an adult punishes, he thus confirms his words. If he doesn’t react, he discredits them. And his reaction is all the more important because for a child it is capable of questioning the very value of the word. If you can say one thing and do the opposite, what’s the point in words?

Teach a child a humane vision of the world

To explain the rules, to monitor their implementation, to punish violations — is this enough to raise a child as a civilized being? No, our experts believe. If we confine ourselves to this, education would be reduced to only training. But its goal is different — to help the child become more human in essence. Which is not at all easy — just remember how easily aggression or other asocial traits are manifested in adults, for example, in a situation of military conflict.

It’s not about trying to eradicate the «wild» impulses in the child, but about how he learned to cope with them, to act on the basis of a more humane vision of the world. And for this he needs to learn three basic, very important concepts.

First, about the special value of human life. A child will be able to learn this only if, thanks to his parents, he has managed to realize his own value. Only by feeling it, he can understand that the life of others is just as valuable.

Secondly, that the other person may suffer. It is also important here what will be the attitude of his parents to each other, to himself and to other people. Is it easy to imagine the pain of another being to a child who sees his father beat his mother on a regular basis?

Thirdly, about the meaning of human rules and laws: they are needed not to limit the desires of the child, but, above all, to protect his life and the lives of other people.

These concepts will become rules for the child (so strong that they will be able to resist his impulses) only when he understands their meaning.

Talk about other sources of pleasure

But even this is not enough, experts say, to help a child grow up to be a truly civilized person. A humane vision of the world will prevent him from fulfilling his desires when they are capable of harming another. But at the same time, desires themselves do not disappear anywhere. This means that the child continues to depend on temptations. Therefore, additional work is needed to teach him to find acceptable ways of satisfaction for them that do not contradict the laws of society. And everyday life gives a lot of reasons for this …

For example, a three-year-old child wants to know how a fish works inside, and tries to get it out of the aquarium in order to cut it in half. This is logical: he takes apart toy cars — why not take apart the fish? The parents forbid this, explaining that the live fish will be hurt and that it will die, which the child does not yet know.

Is it possible to stop there? No, because there remains a desire that the child could not fulfill. It is important to offer him to do it differently: read a book about fish with him, watch a movie … By doing this, parents show the child that they accept his desires. But they teach him to carry them out in a civilized way, and in a pleasant way that promises other pleasures (from his future discoveries).

So the child can learn new ways to satisfy their desires. And to refuse those that his first reaction prompted him. They will no longer be of interest to him: why catch one unfortunate fish if you can find a hundred others in a book?

«Hear» the actions of the child

And what would happen if the parents, on the contrary, allowed the experiment with the fish? Instead of being forbidden to harm living beings, he would learn an unspoken «permission» to break this and other parental prohibitions. And surely, left to himself, he would eventually find pleasure in torturing other animals: the fish wriggles funny, and the kitten also squeaks. After all, if the parents do not interfere, it is logical to assume that his behavior satisfies them.

Cruelty begins at the moment when the child feels satisfaction from the fact that he received (or did) what he wanted, and at the same time notices that another living being is suffering. And then, when he wants to feel his superiority again, he will again begin to look for a victim. So there is a habit to improve your well-being only at the expense of others.

A child with violent or antisocial behavior is, of course, not a carrier of any particular gene for cruelty. This is an ordinary child who has had to face a radical lack of education more than once and in different circumstances. And sometimes with more serious problems. Because children often learn cruelty by identifying with the adults around them. Adults who show cruelty both to the child himself and to other people.

The cruel acts of a child or adolescent should not only be punished in the name of establishing (or restoring) rules in his relations with others. First of all, adults need to “hear” them, because cruelty is always a sign that a child’s life is going out or has already gone out of its normal course.