Often lovers think that happiness in a relationship does not depend on them. However, it is important to understand: when creating a couple, we seem to find ourselves at a construction site, where without days off, from morning to night (and often at night), stone by stone, we are building a building whose name is “happy union”.
HOUSEHOLD CHEMICALS”
Not everyone brings the “construction” to the end, but often even in the already built “building” of relations it is damp, dark and dull. And then life in it becomes like a reserved seat car of a train picking up speed: days, months and years flash by – a series of equally gray landscapes outside the window. And no emotional support for you, no passion for spontaneous sex, no sparkling humor smoothing out conflicts, no intimate conversations. Only endless quarrels, at best, interspersed with the on-duty phrases “I love you, kiss you” …
Where did everything disappear from the relationship that you liked so much in them before? And if everything is so bad now, then what will happen next? Although, on the other hand, everyone lives like that … Or did the relationship exhaust itself and come to a logical end, after which there is only sheer torment? But what about the children then? Maybe try to build a new relationship, happy and cloudless, because I won’t repeat the same mistakes again? But most likely you will. Let’s see why this happens.
HOW WELL IT ALL STARTED…
We all remember how great it was at the moment of meeting, in that same candy-bouquet period. The partner seemed perfect, and it was impossible to live a day without each other. I so want to experience this range of experiences again.
The only problem is that in the desire to fully merge with a partner, we often go into codependency. Therefore, it is good that the romantic phase is so fleeting, otherwise it would put an end to personal development and growth.
And now the romance passes, we begin to gradually project onto the partner those qualities that are not in ourselves, we form expectations. And this is the main mistake. Each of us is individual, unique in our strengths and weaknesses, and in unresolved traumas and experiences. There is no absolute “right”. What is good for us is not necessarily the same for a partner. This is where the typical conflicts begin:
“Doesn’t he (a) feel how tired I am (a) and I need to be pitied”
“Doesn’t he (a) understand that I don’t need gifts, but just his (her) warmth”
“I flirt with him (her) and hint at sex, but he (a) does not seem to notice”
And the partner, perhaps, needs something completely different, and he, in turn, also projects his expectations:
“Why is he (a) tired – I have constant stress at work”
“I bought him (her) so many gifts, and he (a) is always with a displeased mine, where is her gratitude”
“He (a) takes me out with his hints, doesn’t he see that I didn’t sleep all night because of worries”
What to do with this misunderstanding? The answer is simple: learn to speak, listen and hear. Speak! A lot, often, honestly. And not about trifles to fill in the hanging pauses, but about what you think, what you feel, what you are dissatisfied with. The partner should not guess about it by reading thoughts, but to hear you. Discuss everything: children, work, sex.
AND ONE MORE ABOUT SEX
Most couples with an impressive marital experience endure intimacy outside the relationship, sex becomes non-negotiable and episodic. An alternative to sexual life is achieved in them with the help of the following protective mechanisms:
Non-sexual discharge (provoking a quarrel to avoid possible intimacy)
Rationalizations (pseudological substantiation of the reasons for refusing to have sex)
Devaluation (devaluation of a particular partner or sexual relationship in general)
Compensation (replacing sexual relationships with platonic ones)
Bias on addictions (overeating, alcohol, gambling)
Sublimation (workaholism, going into active social activities, the emergence of a new hobby or hypertrophy of previous hobbies)
To solve a problem, you must first recognize and discuss it. This is the first step towards the return of the joys of the intimate sphere. Next, you need to learn not only to listen, but also to hear. You can talk for as long as you like, but if the partner does not hear you, then what was said is devalued.
Sometimes it is not easy to start a dialogue, especially when the model of destructive interaction has been formed over the years. In this case, the help of a family psychologist will be most effective. A specialist will help you build communication, sort out the current conflict, and improve your sex life.
Yes, changes happen constantly and without our participation, but if we want the best for ourselves, we will have to take responsibility!
About the Author:
Alexander Vronsky psychologist, sexologist His .