Where are the boundaries in a healthy relationship and how to build them

What do healthy boundaries look like?

• We have the right not to want the same thing that the partner wants, and to want something else. You can refuse an offer to go for a walk together or watch a series, and the refusal will be respectfully accepted.
• Our things are not taken without asking. We can ask our partner to stop doing things to us that we don’t like, and they will stop. For example, don’t slap on the butt, turn the music down, or don’t sprinkle cheese on our portion of macaroni.
• We firmly define what is unacceptable for us, and the partner takes this into account.
• We make decisions for ourselves. The partner respects them. Decisions concerning both are discussed as equals.
• We can say that we want to be alone with ourselves, this will not be considered a manifestation of dislike.
• And, of course, our freedom to choose: friends, place of work, clothes, hobbies – is not limited.

Why is it so hard to define your boundaries?

The most common cause of problems is childhood experience. If it was not accepted in the parental family to respect the boundaries of the child and each other, this is perceived as the norm. And when we grow up, it is difficult for us not only to designate our boundaries, but even to notice that they are violated. And it is just as difficult to accept and not violate the boundaries of a partner.

If your parents entered the room to you, a teenager, without knocking, if they could read your personal notes, discuss your secrets and heart affairs with other adults, took your things, did not take into account your desires and plans, if they violated the boundaries of the body – they beat or kissed – hugged against your desire, then you probably have difficulties in adulthood.

Another reason is a strong merger in a pair. At the beginning of a relationship, merging is normal. “I am you, you are me, and we don’t need anyone.” “I live with you, I breathe with you, both in a dream and in reality.” Strong love does not happen without merging. But at some point, partners need to return to their borders. Sometimes this does not happen, and people feel it: “I have dissolved in the family”, “I feel stuffy, cramped in a couple”, “I seem to be living a life that is not my own”.

The belief that love means “all mine is yours” also plays a role. That if we are a family, we must do everything together, have everything in common and nothing for ourselves. And to defend oneself is selfishness and lack of love.

It’s also hard to stand up for yourself when the value of the relationship is high and your own is felt to be low. Relationships matter, but we don’t.

Where to start building boundaries?

1. You should start by noticing how they are violated. How to notice? Feeling angry. We need anger just to signal that something is going wrong. They treat me inappropriately.

Have you ever “swallowed” your resentment so as not to quarrel, and then you start to get angry? Or did you agree to something out of a desire to be nice to your partner, and then feel annoyed? Start noticing those moments. So it will become clearer to you at what moments your boundaries are violated, which of them are the most important for you.

2. The next step is to give yourself the inner right to defend your boundaries. It can be scary to ruin a relationship, lose love, become a bitch or a grumbler. It is very important to agree with ourselves: when we understand each other’s boundaries, this benefits the relationship, and does not turn it into a never-ending battle. It’s not selfish, but respectful and mature.

3. Then highlight a few points, aspects in which your boundaries are violated. What is the most significant, what especially hurts? For example: “You make our plans for the weekend without asking me what I want.” “You make remarks to me in front of others.” “I need time alone with myself, but it’s very difficult to tell you about it.”

4. It’s time to talk. It is better to do this not during a quarrel, but at a calm moment, not attacking, not blaming, but stating.

The conversation might start like this: “I want to discuss my candy with you. As you know, I buy myself chocolate halvah as part of my morning ritual. And when I see that you ate everything, I’m offended and I’m angry. It feels like breaking boundaries. Perhaps you don’t see any problem with this. But it is important for me that when I wake up, my coffee candy is waiting for me. Please keep that in mind. Don’t eat the last halva.”

My partner and I may have different ideas about boundaries and where they are. This is fine. Just a clarification in a calm conversation will help both of us understand how we can live comfortably with each other.

5. It is important to be reminded of boundaries regularly. Behavior does not change immediately, habitual actions are stable. Therefore, you will have to remind your partner more than once: “Remember, I said that this is unpleasant. Please don’t do that.” If you are also willing to listen and take into account your partner’s wishes about his boundaries, he is more likely to learn yours.

Healthy boundaries require attention to yourself, respect for your partner, conversations and clarifications. But they are worth the effort, because they make the life of the couple comfortable, the relationship sustainable, and even somewhat healing.