When your wife is a narcissist: 7 dangers in a relationship

Often we understand everything only when it’s too late. It was only after the divorce that Philip realized how devastating his marriage to Mary had been for him. Previously, he, even realizing that she was prone to narcissism, hoped that his love would be enough for them to be fine. He thought he just needed to find the right approach to her. How wrong he was!

Soon after the wedding, Philip began to give up his hobbies for his wife. He began to communicate mainly with her friends. Adopted her tastes and preferences. From the outside, it seemed that they had an ideal relationship. Maria became very attached to her husband, and this suited him perfectly.

But then the problems started. Philip stopped “having enough air”, it seemed to him that he was being manipulated, that he could not do anything on his own, without his wife. Her exactingness robbed him of all his strength. The husband tried to pull away a little, but the wife became even more attached to him. They kept getting closer, then moving away, and this endless cycle began to drive the man crazy. Finally, he decided to divorce, and when everything was behind him, he was able to analyze what really happened in their relationship.

“To whom do narcissists usually get attached? To anyone: to parents, children, spouses, friends, even business partners. Narcissists are drawn to anyone who is ready to endlessly give them attention, admire them, appreciate and love them, ”explains psychotherapist Christine Hammond. The ego of a narcissist requires constant “feeding”, so he is looking for someone who is ready to admire and indulge him. For example, for Mary, her husband became such a person.

“If a narcissist develops an unhealthy attachment to one of the children, he becomes a favorite, and the rest are almost forgotten. Everything is forgiven to the pet, and the “forgotten” children, on the contrary, are punished for any trifle. Unfortunately for pets, this relationship with their parents can cause them no less harm than their “forgotten” brothers and sisters.

The beloved child and his narcissistic parent merge into one. When such a child grows up and marries, the parent refuses to recognize his husband or wife and constantly tries to destroy their relationship, ”explains the expert.

Using the example of Philip and Mary, let’s look at seven dangers that lie in wait for someone who has become the object of a narcissistic attachment.

1. Focus shift

All Philip’s attention was focused on his wife: on her desires, needs, thoughts and feelings. When planning anything, he always asked himself: “What will Maria think?” He practically gave up his own thoughts and feelings for the sake of his wife.

2. Loss of individuality

Mary’s affection for Philip was so strong that she saw him as her extension. There are no personal boundaries in such relationships. Philip thought and felt the same as Mary, and any attempt to show his individuality met with strong resistance and was perceived as a betrayal.

3.Feeling superior

At first, the narcissist’s attachment feels overwhelming. He literally wraps you in love, which can cause a real addiction. At first, Mary constantly praised Philip and did not notice any of his misdeeds and shortcomings. This gave him a false sense of superiority, because Mary was not attached to anyone else as much as to him. Sometimes she moved away from him for a while, and then they approached again, which only strengthened this feeling.

4. Feeling rejected

And yet, in those periods when his wife moved away, Philip felt rejected. She either ignored him, or constantly lashed out at him: she cursed him, threatened to abandon or break things dear to him. She always had her own version of events, and in order to keep peace in the family, her husband agreed with her, took responsibility for what he did not do, and begged her to stay. Even after reconciliation, this feeling of rejection persisted, and there was a fear that everything would happen again.

5. Life in constant tension

Next to Mary, Philip had to literally walk on tiptoe. He had to constantly adjust to her mood, otherwise a scandal would have erupted. She was happy – and he was happy, she was sad – he was sad too. Personal boundaries were so blurred that Philip sometimes did not understand where he was and where she was.

6. Risk of becoming a scapegoat

Maria never admitted her guilt. She placed the responsibility for her misdeeds and mistakes on her husband, who became a “scapegoat”. She never apologized, but she made him apologize for every little thing. Philip began to think that he was a terrible person.

7. Fear of provoking a scene of jealousy

Philip could not communicate with friends without Mary’s approval. Because of her, his relationship with his best friend and relatives deteriorated. She forced him to change jobs and insisted that they move to the other side of town. If he struck up a friendship with someone, she made a scandal: they say, he no longer loves her.

It took Philippe psychotherapy to realize how destructive a narcissist’s attachment can be. After a while, he was ready to enter into a healthy relationship.

About the author: Kristin Hammond is a psychotherapist.