It doesn’t excite them. They don’t like it, it doesn’t bring any pleasure … Why do they say “yes” to their partner when they want to say no?
We have sex in the first place to have fun – it seems that no one argues with this today. But still, sexual preferences in many couples are mainly subordinated to the desires and tastes of men. Some women do not find the strength to refuse practices that are unpleasant to them.
So, on the Psychologies forum, a user with the nickname nastyakolos asks the question: “What do you do when a partner offers to use something in sex that you don’t quite like? For example, my husband recently brought a gift from a sex shop, which I did not expect at all. Tried to say – offended. And I don’t know how to explain this to him … Of course, I shouldn’t be so touchy, but I don’t want to do what I don’t want either.
Another forum member, prosto-OKS, and her friend make love daily. “Good sex is rare sex! she writes. – But I am aware that if I offer to make love less often, then he, free in a relationship, can go to another girl. I don’t want this to happen.”
Diktat and illusions
By agreeing to what is unpleasant for them, women try to maintain a delicate balance in a couple, are afraid of offending a partner, or strive, often unconsciously, to maintain the illusion of an ideal relationship. “Often, behavior is controlled by the fear of being abandoned, of being left alone,” says family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. “The dictatorship of male preferences in sex gives an illusory sense of security from negative changes in personal life.”
Any norm fetters, not allowing to freely discuss with a partner what we really feel.
For centuries, the female body has been treated as the property of the male, and today some still aren’t convinced that their tastes should be taken into account. And they say yes when they want to say no. “Thus, a man gets the right to abuse her body,” says sexologist Yevgeny Kashchenko. “But a woman, renouncing herself, renounces pleasure.”
The media replicate the norms of a “correct” sexual life: you need to have sex a lot, often, subtly … But any norm fetters, not allowing you to freely discuss with a partner what we really feel.
“My husband thought that cunnilingus humiliates a man,” complains ribka-zuzia. – It offended me, I didn’t feel that he was possessed by a passionate desire, he just wanted to get a release, relieve tension. And two years ago I met a man whom I love very much, and we have good sex. But when he makes me cunnilingus, I’m pinched and I don’t feel anything. I have a feeling that I had before with my husband: that this is terrible, shameful, vicious. I’m afraid it’s stuck in my head forever…”
Guilt
Paradoxically, it is difficult for some to refuse a partner, precisely when the attraction to him fades away. Feeling guilty, such women try to smooth it out. Although more often the decline in desire is temporary and is associated with a routine in a relationship or general fatigue. “Respect for the desire of another has nothing to do with forced sex: it leads not only to frigidity and cooling in relationships, but also to the depreciation of one’s own “I,” says psychoanalyst Jacqueline Schaeffer.
She recalls a patient who described her relationship with her husband as follows: “It feels like he goes to me when I need it.” “In sexuality, men are to take, to own, and in the nature of women, to resist, but also to give, too,” emphasizes the psychoanalyst. – Most clearly, her dedication is manifested in the feeling of motherhood. It happens that a woman unconsciously perceives her partner as a child and follows his desires.
She explains her unwillingness to say “no” with love: “I do this because I love him.” She tries to love another, forgetting about loving herself.
Your position
They confess their feelings in the office of a psychotherapist or sexologist, but they cannot talk about it with a partner. “It is especially difficult for those who are dominated by stereotypes: what is possible and what is not, what is normal and what is not,” says gynecologist Sylvain Mimoun. “They can’t live up to what they ‘should’ and blame themselves, assuming they’re not okay.”
It is difficult for someone who does not know their desires to accept their sexuality. “I often catch myself that I just don’t know what I want,” master37 complains. – In bed, I am seized by absolute indifference, like “if he does it, it’s good, if he doesn’t, it’s also excellent.” The same position is held by 33% of Russian women who admit: “It’s hard for me to say what exactly I want in sex.” Another 13% say they do not risk changing anything in their sex life.
An active sex life is a special kind of selfishness that we share with a partner.
“Indifference to one’s desires can lead to the fact that over time, any form of sex will no longer bring joy,” warns Inna Khamitova. – It is important for a woman to try, seduce, offer her partner different options, each time listening to herself – and try again! What really makes me happy right now? It is important to lead a partner, and not just follow him. The increase in arousal opens up new ways of enjoying each other. At such moments, old barriers collapse and prohibitions disappear.
“An active sex life is a special kind of selfishness that we share with a partner,” agrees Sylvain Mimoun. – So, it’s worth looking for what we like and trying to understand what we want, first of all for our own sake. This is the only way to find happiness. And with pleasure comes desire.”
Avoiding lies
“My friend had a habit of literally sticking his finger into me instead of a love foreplay, and then thrusting it again and again with force,” recalls 28-year-old Marina with a shudder. – He thought that this “weasel” was a cool reception, but I endured it with clenched teeth. One day at breakfast, I asked him to be less diligent. He almost choked. “So you’ve been pretending all this time?” After that, we didn’t have sex for several weeks… Now everything is fine. If I had known that this would happen, I would have told the truth earlier!”
“Everyone needs time to feel each other, but it is dangerous when the silence drags on,” Evgeny Kashchenko comments. This couple has been hesitant to talk frankly about their desires and preferences for too long. The man was guided by the stereotype according to which women prefer the onslaught. And his partner endured: a woman supposedly should be condescending!
The best way to say no is to tell the truth: I don’t like what they offer, I don’t want to fake enjoyment. Relationships based on lies cannot be stable, all experts are sure. Saying “no” means accepting responsibility for your desires and relationships in a couple, so that each subsequent “yes” is joyful and sincere.
Can a man be forced to have sex?
If a woman can make love without desire, then it is difficult for a man, at least for physiological reasons: without desire, there is no erection. Therefore, there is no need to talk about coercion in the pure sense of the word. However, a tired or somewhat upset man may, out of love for his girlfriend or fear of offending her, feel “obliged” to feel desire. In this case, foreplay is usually enough for him to achieve an erection sufficient for intercourse. But if this situation is repeated too often, this is an alarming symptom.
“In a man who does not dare to refuse a partner, there is a fear of women associated with his personal history,” suggests psychotherapist Jean-Michel Fiterman. He will force himself for fear of not being passionate enough. But sooner or later the body will start to speak instead of him: problems with erection will become more and more serious until they lead to impotence.