Contents
– Chciałam się z nim rozstać już rok po ślubie. Ale groził samobójstwem. Pierwszą ciążę poroniłam. Usłyszałam tylko: «Dasz sobie radę», a gdy wróciłam ze szpitala, zostawił samą w domu i pojechał do rodziców na wystawną kolację z okazji ich rocznicy ślubu – wspomina Marta.
- The victims of manipulators often develop symptoms of depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder
- Even though it happens that the poison seems good and caring, the manipulation makes the victim confused and helpless. She begins to question her own mental health
- Rafał Olszak, a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, distinguishes six phases of a toxic relationship. These include the “game of appearances”, “stalking”, “demanding proofs of love” and “confusion in the head”
- More information can be found on the Onet homepage
– My husband is toxic. Before the wedding? The walking ideal: caring, kind, charming, on every date with a bouquet of flowers and small gifts. The best sex ever. However, right after the church ceremony and the wedding, it was as if someone had changed him. He became gruff, aggressive and criticized at every turn. Unpleasant both at home and with friends, although to tell the truth, with time we stopped seeing anyone. He cut me off from my friends, claiming that I had mental problems. He made strange gossip and thus conflicted with my friends. He gave away money, checked expenses. He shouted that I was wasteful, so I couldn’t buy anything. He forbidden to paint. Sometimes he cried, apologized, promised to change – says 30-year-old Marta from Wrocław.
– I wanted to part with him a year after the wedding. But he was threatening suicide. I had a miscarriage for the first time. All I heard was: “You’ll be fine,” and when I returned from the hospital, he left home alone and went to his parents for a sumptuous dinner on the occasion of their wedding anniversary – adds Marta.
He exercises control and subordinates
According to police statistics, in 2021 the number of people suspected of being affected by violence was almost 76, and there were as many as 65 forms filled in as the Blue Card.
However, it is important to remember that domestic violence has many faces and is not only about physical abuse. The definition of the Blue Line, which specialists deal with helping victims, says that violence is putting pressure on a person to exercise control over him and to submit his will to him..
As a result, the personal dignity of the victim is violated by ridiculing views, religion, origin, imposing opinions and plans. In such a relationship there are penalties: lack of interest, respect, persuading mental illness, isolation. The poison demands absolute obedience, and according to the Blue Line, it also restricts sleep, meals and degrades through name calling, humiliation, humiliation, embarrassment, threats and profanity. It scares the use of force.
Emotional blackmail and suicide threats
– My husband is very close to his parents, especially his mother. During family meetings he did not speak to me, he treated me as invisible. She ignored me so much that when she had something to say to me, she turns to her son: “Tell her that …” or “Let her do.” She never used my name. One Sunday, when she invited us to dinner, she put only three place settings on the table. There was no plate for me – says Marta.
– Her husband always defended her, he repeated that he was the only ideal in his life. And I was exhausted by the lack of a sense of security, I was tormented by constant resentments and uncertainty. And waiting. Because he ran away to his mother for days. He did not answer phone calls, he did not reply to text messages. When he returned, he promised to improve again. Yeah, so I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster. I gritted my teeth and endured his exaltation, insults. Until then – Marta continues.
Bombing with love, sexuality, romantic gestures
Rafał Olszak, clinical psychologist, psychotherapist and author of the book “A toxic relationship? Save yourself! »Runs the OcalSiebie yotubian channel. He lists six phases of a toxic relationship that can mix with each other, smoothly transform into each other and last for a shorter or longer period, because the history of each pair is different.
The specialist lists “Game of appearances”, in which a person bombards with his boundless infatuation, love, sexuality, and romantic gestures. All of this is meant to evoke strong emotions.
– Under their influence, the victim loses vigilance – emphasizes Olszak. The next step is «Nesting, staggering«Which usually means living together and making long-term plans for a bright future together.
– The third phase is «demanding proofs of love ». The partner has more and more expectations and can become demanding. He has already subdued the victim so much that he puts his own needs and expectations in the first place – adds the psychotherapist.
The manipulator begins to be more and more grumpy and dissatisfied, so the victim tries to win his favor.
Gaslighting – the most sophisticated form of violence
The phase which Olszak calls “mixing in the head”, gaslighting, has a different character. A toxic partner starts making a victim of himself. This makes the victim feel guilty.
– We are also dealing here with masking problems and explaining that after all no relationship is all roses – he explains.
Gaslighting is the most cruel and sophisticated form of violence. It involves manipulation in such a way as to gradually take control over the victim’s perception of reality. The manipulator pretends not to understand the other person, to question their version of events, to dismiss their fears. He says: “You are exaggerating”, “You imagined something”, but this is intertwined with moments of tenderness and rage.
Although it sometimes seems to be kind and caring, as a result the victim of manipulation is confused, helpless and begins to question his own mental health. Has low self-esteem and tries not to tackle difficult topics. The next phase is «rationing love» i «change of host«When the manipulator finds a new victim, but this does not always mean the end of the previous relationship.
Does your partner make insults, insults?
According to specialists, in order to find out if we are victims of psychological violence, it is enough to answer the following questions: is the partner making insults, insults? Does he forbid seeing and talking to his family? Did he insist on severing contact with them? The more affirmative answers, the greater the real threat to the victim’s health.
It is worth knowing that staying in a toxic relationship is closely associated with a huge risk of developing health problems.
Women who are victims of psychological violence are prone to somatization, so they struggle with diseases such as gastric ulcer and duodenal ulcer, gallstones, circulatory disorders, hypertension, headaches and chest pains, menstrual disorders. It can also include genital or bladder infections and irritable bowel syndrome, indigestion, diarrhea or constipation.
Violence is a major cause of mental health problems: symptoms of depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder can appear.
Run away from the toxins as far as possible
– It was difficult for me, but in the end I broke free from the toxic relationship. We don’t live together anymore, I have filed for divorce. It was not easy, I use psychotherapy to this day. I realized I couldn’t go on living with a man who kept burdening me with his problems and didn’t really care at all about mine. Who drained energy day after day, he complained, was an emotional vampire. I was afraid of it, I handled it like an egg, I had to be careful with every word and gesture, because it could explode. I want to go back to my old self: independent, joyful, happy. I have the opportunity to talk to victims of psychological violence. I repeat to everyone: run away from the toxins as far as possible – Marta advises at the end.
We encourage you to listen to the latest episode of the RESET podcast. This time, Olga Komorowska, sound therapist, voice trainer and singer, will talk about what sound therapy is all about. What are the benefits of “faking”, what is vibrotherapy and how is sound wave transmitted? You will find out by listening to the latest episode of our podcast.