When words are dangerous

The best situation: you can tell your partner absolutely everything, but you don’t need to tell him everything, ”says psychologist Yvon Dallaire. That is why he instructs his patients to break the silence in those moments when it is necessary to avoid misunderstandings leading to a relationship crisis. The problem is that some topics, especially those related to sex, seem too complicated, “because here we touch on the foundations of the personality of both partners,” explains sexologist Irina Panyukova, “our deeply intimate, innermost motives, that secret that is dear and valuable to us. This makes us very vulnerable.»

To make such a conversation comfortable for two, you need to know some rules. First of all, avoid an accusatory tone. And for this, it is worth “starting not from claims, but from needs,” notes Irina Panyukova, “understanding well what we ourselves want to achieve with this conversation.” The sexologist reminds that the form of the statement is no less important than the content: you need to choose the moment when the partner is open and relaxed. You need to speak calmly, without raising your voice … Yvon Dallaire, in turn, appeals to what he calls «marital emotional intelligence»: «It allows us to stand up for ourselves, while remaining sensitive to a partner.» The basis of such intelligence is self-confidence: “The more I am confident in myself, the more confident I am in my partner and therefore I can listen to him and talk with him, so that neither my emotions overwhelm him, nor me — his.” This beautiful plan is quickly shattered by the reality of accusations, annoyance, old grievances and easily turns into a war for territory. Irina Panyukova and Yvon Dallaire present us with four topics that are difficult to approach.

• «To experience pleasure, start a frank dialogue about sex»

Talk about your fantasies?

“When we freely talk about our fantasies with a partner, this does not mean that they will be realized, but at the same time they become a space, albeit only a mental one, for a joint game,” notes Irina Panyukova. It is too difficult for some of us to talk about our hidden desires, about the innermost: shame, lack of self-confidence, fear that a partner will ridicule or condemn or think worse of us interferes. Finally, we do not know how this frankness will affect our relations. It is difficult for someone to admit their part of the responsibility, because fantasy is, by definition, something forbidden. And sometimes we simply cannot find words to describe the images born of our imagination.

But it also happens the other way around, when a partner (most often a man) openly says that he wants to bring more eroticism into the relationship, and reproaches him for his inflexibility and lack of attraction to sensual games. A vicious circle develops, and in the end, not only communication suffers, but also sexuality as such: “You do not share my desires! You are closing!» — “Yes, and you constantly reproach me that I don’t suit you at all!” — “Yes, I reproach, but you, in my opinion, don’t want me (already)!” Each of the partners feels that his pride is wounded, and closes even more.

Irina Panyukova comments: “It is important to offer, not demand.” At the same time, it is not necessary that both partners share their fantasies, moreover, sometimes this is even undesirable. For example, trusting our dreams of multi-party love scenes to a very jealous or insecure partner can only offend or upset them.

“If the fantasies of one correspond to the desires of the other, all the better, but if this is not the case, then there is no cause for concern,” she believes. But if the relationship is mired in monotony, then such an exchange of innermost things can benefit them.

In any case, do not dramatize, try to treat such a conversation as a game, with humor, suggests Irina Panyukova. If words come with difficulty, you can be inspired by the example of Anais Nin, who expressed her fantasies in letters to Henry Miller.

• Little secrets of great pleasures

Confess to cheating?

«Promise me that if one day you deceive me, you will tell me about it.» Yvon Dallaire believes that of all contracts concluded in the euphoria of the first days, this one (together with its antagonist — absolute fidelity) is one of the most dangerous. And for the partner’s self-esteem, and, of course, for the relationship that he poisons, penetrating to their very core: trust. The sexologist is categorical: “If one of the two at work or on a trip had a far-reaching flirtation or an affair for one evening, then there is absolutely no need to tell the partner about it. It would mean upsetting him, even making him suffer, raising doubts in vain. Irina Panyukova adds: “Those for whom betrayal was a fleeting episode usually quickly forget about it. But his partner, if made aware, runs the risk of dwelling on it for years to come, and this confession will hurt him.”

Moreover, the desire to relieve one’s conscience and confess everything most often speaks of a weakness of character. “The severity of the act is so pressing that I want to quickly shift this burden — but in fact the responsibility — onto the partner: let him decide now! Irina Panyukova says. — Before confessing, you need to ask yourself the question: “Will this improve our relationship?” And while there is no answer, it is not worth talking about it.

What if infidelity is discovered? “Do not give details, especially of a sexual nature, even if the partner insists on it,” warns Yvon Dallaire. “These images will be extremely difficult to get rid of, they are a poison that will poison another’s life.” How then to talk about it? “Infidelity is an obvious source of suffering. For the one who was cheated on, but also for the one who committed it and is now responsible for hurting his partner, the sexologist assures. “If two people still want to be together, their relationship depends on how they conduct the dialogue.”

Couples who overcome this test often say that they have never talked so much before and have never been so close to each other. But it is also necessary that in this new-found dialogue, everyone decides to take a step towards the other. So that the deceiver agrees to listen to the partner, to understand the depth of his suffering. He should be patient, but at the same time set boundaries so that the partner does not allow the cruelty of his feelings to capture him. “The one who was deceived will have to recognize his role in this story, in what alienated him from his partner,” continues Yvon Dallaire. “It will allow him to stop feeling like a victim.”

• When words are sexy

Talk about past relationships?

The prohibition of this topic protects not so much the one who talks about his former partner (he, perhaps, even with pleasure revives the idealized memories of the tenderness of which he was the object), but the one who listens to him.

“He can feel that he is being compared, and will begin to worry: am I able to give the same vivid emotions?” Irina Panyukova warns. Such comparisons are especially painful for those who are jealous. “The reason for retrospective jealousy, like any other, is unstable self-esteem. It can be just as poisonous as jealousy with roots in the present,” confirms Yvon Dallaire. He does not offer to reject or try to forget all the good things that we once experienced, but he considers it useless to “let the former partner, even in words, into our current life. Well, perhaps only in order to better show your partner the path that led us to him.

But even then you should not go into details, on the contrary, it is better to avoid any confessions about sexual life in the past: “This area is fraught with problems for pride, such conversations can cause a destructive feeling of competition or a decrease in one’s own value in a partner,” the sexologist notes.

But what if the partner himself begs you to talk about your ex? It is worth understanding why he is so interested in this, advises Irina Panyukova. Perhaps the point is in his lack of confidence, suspicion, jealousy? In any case, you need to understand: your past intimate secrets are only your business, your partner has nothing to do with them. What if your ex is now your friend? Even if the separation was without drama, Yvon Dallaire recommends waiting until the new relationship acquires many external manifestations, and only then renew friendship with the former spouse. You should protect the feelings of a new partner and, most importantly, respect his needs.

Everything naturally changes when you have children. On the one hand, everything is obvious here: we remain in contact with the father or mother of our children, and not with the former partner. But it happens that this serves only as an excuse to maintain a relationship that one of the two wants to extend. In this case, it is necessary to talk in order to neutralize such a situation, Yvon Dallaire believes: “It is necessary to set boundaries for the former partner as soon as possible and reassure the new spouse so that he does not feel like a participant in the competitive struggle.”

• Isn’t it too much we want from our union?

Say about the decrease in desire?

Decreased desire is a commonplace phenomenon: in a long-term relationship, both partners cannot always experience desire at the same time and with the same intensity. However, they rarely talk about it. The guilt of the one whose desire has decreased interferes, but his partner also feels guilty, believing that he can no longer cause a strong attraction. And in the end, both do not even try to make love and do not talk about it.

Even the expression of tenderness is put under suspicion: “I can’t hug her, she will think that I am trying to force her to have sex”; “I would like it, but he will think that I want to go further” … So no one does or says anything, and the problem perpetuates. But, notes Irina Panyukova, it is so important for everyone to hear words from a partner that will assure them of love and gratitude.

The decrease in desire, she emphasizes, can be due to many reasons that have nothing to do with the love that partners experience for each other: the birth of a child, hormonal changes, stress, problems at work, hypovitaminosis, too intense training … “Dialogue is the only way to avoid misunderstandings, says the sexologist. “It doesn’t matter which of the two will initiate the initiative, the main thing is that this confidential conversation takes place.” You need to talk about it, recognizing that it is difficult for both. “But you shouldn’t make it a mandatory topic of evening conversations,” warns Yvon Dallaire. Instead, come up with all sorts of tricks together to avoid the routine. Just because you don’t make love doesn’t mean you’ve given up everything sensual.» And if the difficulties persist, do not be afraid to consult a professional to better understand what they are connected with.