When we are true to ourselves

Refusing to “look after” her colleague and report to her boss about all her mistakes, 42-year-old Evgenia understood that obstinacy would cost her dearly. Perhaps the harassment will not be very noticeable from the outside, but it will significantly complicate her life in the audit agency, where she has been working for several years. “I said bluntly: “Don’t count on me, I can’t and won’t do it!” I was shaking all over, my voice was trembling. But still, I behaved with dignity, even when he held out disappointedly: “But it seemed to me that I know you well …” He, of course, was aware that I was not enthusiastic about the work of that colleague, and, probably, was surprised my refusal, but for me not to inform is a matter of principle. Even a year later, Evgenia says with fervor: “At least I’m not ashamed of myself!”

It is difficult to find a more vivid example of self-acceptance – this falling into resonance with our essence, which is brought to us by actions and words that meet our beliefs. Undoubtedly, self-acceptance also implies the ability to resist, to stand up for what is important to us, and to act in accordance with what we consider to be right – for ourselves, but also for others. “If a person did something that corresponds to his essence, but did not take reality into account, this is a manifestation of egocentrism,” says existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. “It’s bad if we don’t think about ourselves. But it is not better if we think only about ourselves, forgetting about other participants in the situation. I wanted to speak, but was there anyone to listen? Maybe in these circumstances it was necessary to choose a different course? The art of living is precisely to look in two directions at the same time: both into oneself and into reality.

On the way to maturity

Do not inform, do not betray, do not shirk responsibility, do not abandon those who need help… These are some of those fundamental values, living in accordance with which we feel internally whole, decent people. From the point of view of psychoanalysis, these are the ideals and attitudes that we have chosen, sometimes unconsciously, in order to feel good and worthy of love. These ideals may not coincide with different people, but always revolve around loyalty and devotion – to our views, our friends, our loved ones. “It takes little iron will or a sensitive conscience to assert your ideals,” says Gestalt therapist Nifont Dolgopolov. “You still need to have enough mental resources to hear and express your deepest desires. In order to act in harmony with yourself, you must first of all be yourself. To be oneself means to have the ability to wish, to think and speak in one’s own name, approaching that Pushkinian “independence” in which greatness is guaranteed. To do this, we have to learn to say “no” (including to ourselves), to separate ourselves from parental expectations, to resist the stereotypes accepted among the people of our circle, in our society and in our culture … “But how to find ourselves if we grew up next to parents and are close to them? How to determine: their values ​​or ours? Nifont Dolgopolov reflects. – There is no simple answer. As American Gestalt therapist Bob Resnick says, “Maturity is when I can do what I want, even if my mother wants it.” In other words, we can quite consciously appropriate the values ​​of our parents, make them our own.

Mental autonomy, the ability to hear your desires and preferences come as you grow older. “First, the child accumulates experience – I like this, but I don’t, this is what makes up my own,” says Svetlana Krivtsova. “Then he starts comparing himself to others (“my brother likes caramel more than I do chocolate”) and realizes that people are different. If parents notice and respect what the child likes, he also begins to consider and respect his own desires. It is important that adults give space, allow to be, love their child and be able to set clear limits. In this case, the child builds his personality in a safe environment: he can gradually get to know himself, with his desires, without feeling guilty and without putting himself at risk. We can always let him choose his own clothes, we can reckon with his taste preferences, we can ask his opinion, we can not dismiss his suggestions and listen to his emotions – these are just some of the ways to recognize the personality in a child, let him know that we respect its originality. Then he will not be too dependent on someone else’s eyes and other people’s desires. He will be able to choose what is good and useful for him, will be less prone to conformism and will be able to defend his position without avoiding conflicts.

And what happens if parents, for various reasons, neglect that “own” that is in their son or daughter? “Then the child does the same thing as his parents – he stops hearing himself,” answers Svetlana Krivtsova. Psychoanalyst Moussa Nabati identifies three main obstacles that, having arisen in childhood, prevent reaching agreement with oneself: “physical and mental cruelty towards the child, the drama of one of the parents (leaving the family, serious illness, death), “breaking” the other, and, finally, everything that makes the child a prisoner of selfish parental love – striving for complete fusion, overprotective or aimed at achievement. Psychotherapists are often approached by those who are literally destroyed by the fear of doing wrong, saying something bad, or upsetting someone with their act. Client-centered therapist Marina Khazanova notices that many of them do not trust themselves, they are afraid to unexpectedly “throw out” something inappropriate, faced with a painful choice.

Get into the situation

To return to ourselves, to find agreement with ourselves in the present is possible only after we realize our inner trouble, decide to recognize ourselves as we are – with all our inherent weaknesses and contradictions. “As long as we do not accept ourselves and the situation in which we find ourselves, we brush it off,” explains Marina Khazanova. “It’s as if we are shouting: “It shouldn’t be, it shouldn’t be, it’s wrong, wrong, wrong …” – thus depriving ourselves of the opportunity to change anything. Only by agreeing that the situation is such (that is, accepting it), once inside it, we begin to live in it, settle down, no matter how difficult it may seem. And only then can we try to do something with ourselves.” Psychoanalysts see a conflict between an adult and a child in a misunderstanding of oneself. “When we feel we can’t speak out, that we’re torn between wanting and resisting, it’s a debilitating internal struggle between a confused child who feels guilty and an adult who wants to break free from his power,” says Moussa Nabati. “But in order for this to become possible, you must first accept your suffering, name it, so that later you can rebuild yourself as the subject of your own desires.” Each time for this you have to find a balance between yourself and the world, between your needs and how they affect other people. “It’s good if the boundaries of our “I” still have a certain flexibility, when we understand ourselves well and at the same time hear the other, when we are ready to take him into account in our desires,” adds Nifont Dolgopolov. “After all, in a relationship there is always a dilemma: to be yourself and to be together with another.”

The search for such a balance occurs in a variety of relationships – work, love, friendship. Sometimes it takes a long time to decide to act in accordance with the internal tuning fork. “Vika and I have been friends for many years, and now that our communication has come to naught, I understand how much this friendship has exhausted and devastated me lately,” says 37-year-old Irina. – Vika insisted that we be together all the time, she was upset if I met friends and did not take her with me. I couldn’t refuse her anything – I was afraid to offend her. Still, I decided to explain my feelings. I don’t know if she understood me, but I immediately felt light: I did the right thing, did what was needed.

Change while being yourself

What is our biggest mistake? We think that being in harmony with ourselves means living in unchanging harmony. That is, we forget that inner integrity is achieved by constant effort, given in the search, this is a movement, not a state. “Our “I” is a dynamic structure, and it is impossible to decide who I am once and for all,” reminds Nifont Dolgopolov. “We are constantly analyzing what we want, listening to ourselves, trying to understand if we are adjusting to the opinions of others when we ourselves see the situation differently …” Psychologist Carl R. Rogers spoke of “continuously determining the direction of life” *. This is the need to accept the complexity (sometimes uncomfortable) of human nature, its internal contradictions and the duality of its desire. “Being yourself, being a human does not mean being a sinless god,” says Svetlana Krivtsova. “It means learning to live, knowing that we make mistakes and will make mistakes, correcting mistakes, admitting mistakes, but maintaining friendly relations with ourselves, understanding and accepting everyone. Otherwise, alienation from ourselves sets in: we become like everyone else, merge with the crowd, fall into conformity, do not live, but function … If we still want to remain an individual, we must be close to ourselves.

How to maintain intimacy, harmony, coincidence with yourself? One way is psychotherapy. “The experience of experiencing various situations in an atmosphere of maximum security, which various psychotherapeutic methods can give, allows our core values ​​to manifest and embark on the path of self-knowledge,” says Marina Khazanova. But this is only the first step: you still have to allow yourself to truly live these values, overcoming misunderstanding and condemnation. Then the deep inner joy of agreeing with oneself and being true to oneself will visit us more often.

* K. Rogers “A look at psychotherapy. The Formation of Man” (Progress, 1994).