Contents
A misunderstanding between colleagues can easily turn into a serious conflict. Coach Vladimir Dashevsky analyzes three life situations and explains how to avoid misunderstandings.
In a dispassionate (seemingly) office environment, real dramas often play out. Spending in the same room, doing intensive work, 8-10 hours a day, many of us experience a lot of stress. In such a situation, conflicts cannot be avoided. The intensity of love and hatred is worthy of an ancient tragedy. After all, we come to the office with our (accumulated since childhood) emotional baggage of doubts, anxieties and unresolved problems.
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“Relationships with colleagues often reflect the ties that we developed in childhood with the closest people,” Vladimir Dashevsky explains. “Communicating with such an authoritative figure as the boss, we again “lose” our relationship with our parents, and we involuntarily perceive colleagues as brothers and sisters or other relatives whom we loved or were jealous of.” In this pseudo-family that we construct unconsciously, the coach can become an open-minded and benevolent facilitator. It helps to hear what was not said directly, and voices what is not usually said. Thanks to him, you can learn to set the right priorities, focus on your capabilities (and not on past mistakes), better understand colleagues and superiors.
Corporate coaching
A coach is not a psychotherapist. He cares first of all about the professional efficiency of each employee and the team as a whole. The English word coach literally translates as “coach”, “mentor” – the one who leads to victory. A coach is an attentive interlocutor who helps to clarify the goal, make the right decision for the given circumstances, and develop an effective behavior strategy. But he does not work out psychological problems, does not go into the details of family history, which in many cases are key. Therefore, often his clients undergo a course of psychotherapy in parallel. The duration of work with a coach depends on the needs of the client: from one meeting to joint work for 3-12 months with communication once or twice a month. The cost of an hour consultation is from 3000 rubles.
A. A.
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- The unconscious is smarter than it looks
Three working moments
1. “Why doesn’t he say hello to me?”
Elena, 28 years old, economist
“I do not understand anything. The boss didn’t even say hello to me this morning. For the whole week, if he said a couple of words, then in such an icy tone that it would be better not to notice me at all. He will never smile at me – as if I were not a man, but a machine! It looks like he’s mad at me. But why? True, I was late on Monday morning, but I explained the reason: I had a terrible night, because my 6-year-old son was choking again from asthma, I had to call an ambulance. To make up for lost time, I didn’t go to lunch and stayed late. But he ignored this fact. But he always notices if something is wrong. It seems to me more and more that he just hates me. ”
Dmitry, 48 years old, financial director, Elena’s boss
“Problems with Elena? Oh no, everything is ok. She is a responsible girl and a normal worker. I have no complaints about her. Sure, she can make mistakes, but who doesn’t? Are you saying she was late on Monday? It is possible, but I do not pay attention to such details. The main thing is that the work is done on time. I trust employees who clearly do their job, and Elena is just one of them. She is a professional who gets the job done. Does she have family problems? Personal problems do not concern me, I cannot afford to devote more time to employees than the case requires.
Coach’s perspective: “Mutual misunderstanding between an employee and a boss is very common and can gradually develop into a hidden conflict. Elena needs attention, she needs to constantly feel the respect and support of her leader. Dmitry does not understand this need at all and considers the relationship with Elena (as well as with other subordinates) only in terms of work tasks. He sees no point in being aware of their expectations, feelings and experiences. Elena is important emotions. She does not dare to talk to Dmitry, and as a result, she accumulates irritation, sometimes it seems to her that she is ready to just explode from resentment. In order to remedy the situation, it is necessary to draw Dmitry’s attention to the emotional side of relations with employees. With Elena, her high expectations should be worked on: because of them, she became emotionally dependent on her manager, and this makes her life very difficult. In the course of coaching, you can offer her a specific plan of action: say hello first (this will help relieve the anxious expectation of a new meeting with the authorities); clarify their job responsibilities (understanding what is expected of us makes the relationship “more transparent”) and still frankly discuss what worries her so much with Dmitry. As a result, realizing that the boss, as a pragmatist, is set up exclusively for business communication, Elena will be able to more accurately build a dialogue with him, clarity and lightness will appear in the relationship, and with them the feeling: they appreciate me … “
2. “I’m losing my job because of her!”
Olga, 43 years old, Assistant Manager
“Since Valeria joined our firm, my life has become a nightmare. She pretends to be a kind of workhorse, but in fact, in order to achieve her goal, she is ready to go over the heads of everyone, starting with me. I can clearly see her game. Those artfully unbuttoned shirts, mini-skirts, overly shiny lipstick… Of course, all the men in our office look at her. This careerist always sticks out in the boss’s office: “Igor Borisovich, I have a question! Igor Borisovich, explain!” Of course, she does not condescend to me with her questions. And no wonder! After all, management transferred some of my duties to her without even warning me. For what? After all, I was always involved in media relations and, as they say, I got my hands on it. And now, in addition, she was assigned to write an internal press release for company employees. If this continues, I will soon have nothing to do at all.
Valeria, 28 years old, PR manager
“I don’t understand why Olga disliked me from the very beginning. Perhaps she does not consider me a professional – she really understands our company’s relations with the media better! But I don’t have the courage to ask her for help. What will she think of me? That I’m an idiot who’ll be fired from work before the end of her probationary period. And now I’ve also been assigned a press release! How will I manage? Management never has enough time to bring me up to date. And the sales managers! They stick around in my office all the time, chatting and flirting. When will anyone finally realize that I need help?
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- Coaching: the path leading to the goal
Coach’s perspective: “The tension came from a combination of mismanagement and interpersonal conflict. Olga was put before the fact. No one explained to her the expediency of the new appointment, which she perceived as a threat to her position. It seems to her that the new employee is “capturing” her work territory. Olga is acutely experiencing this appointment and because this situation has again exacerbated her childhood experiences. She accumulates resentment against a young colleague, being jealous of their common boss, not realizing that she was also once jealous of her younger brother for her parents. As in many families, adults rarely consult with first-borns whether they should have a second one, so Olga, who has been working in the company for a long time, was presented with a fait accompli by taking on a new employee. And she felt like a helpless girl again. But she is already extremely unsure of herself and is ready to load herself with work beyond any measure, if only to earn the respect of her colleagues and management. The younger “newcomer” in addition makes Olga doubt her female attractiveness, calls into question relations with male colleagues. The emotional conflict is exacerbated by the rivalry of women for a place next to the boss.
Valeria, however, did not understand the situation and is clearly unable to cope with it. Who should start the conversation? Valeria, as a “new girl”, finds it difficult to muster up the courage to invite Olga to dinner and talk frankly with her. Olga, on the other hand, feels that her dignity has been violated, and will not take the first step. Assessing the situation and defusing tension is the task of the manager: he can first meet with each employee, and then invite them to discuss the situation in private.
Read more:
- The unconscious laughs at the mind
3. “I have to manage my colleagues”
Maria, 31 years old, project manager
“Maybe I shouldn’t have taken that promotion. When I worked as a programmer-analyst along with the rest of the department, we had a warm, friendly atmosphere. They laughed, joked, sometimes washed the bones of the authorities. But now the authorities are me, and they cannot or do not want to understand this. It all started with my attempt to expedite project deadlines. They only patted me on the back, as before, and teased: “Why are you pretending to be the boss!” I had to restore order with harsh methods: several e-mails with copies to the authorities, a time log, a couple of unrenewed contracts. Discipline has improved, but when I enter the office, everyone is silent. And they go to dinner with the whole company without me.
Andrey, 24 years old, programmer-analyst
“Ever since Maria took over the project, she is just unbearable. It’s really a shame because she’s a smart and pretty girl, we used to have fun together. But on the day she was promoted, she almost switched to “you” with us. And now he is shaking his nerves, like all bosses: overtime here, control there. She is constantly dissatisfied with something. Power turns heads, that’s for sure.”
Coach’s perspective: “Jealousy of former colleagues for promotion is the difficulty of all newly appointed top managers. Many of us are inert and not ready to see as the boss the one who yesterday was our equal, and today leads us. So the appointment of a colleague as a boss is a test for both sides. At such a moment, the authenticity of relationships, affections, friendships is always checked. And Mary should accept this test with gratitude, because it will allow her to understand who she can rely on in her work, and who will only continue to slander her. But Maria is a perfectionist, an “excellent student” and would like to please all members of the team. As a result, she became emotionally dependent on their opinions. Each newly appointed boss, like Mary, has to establish the right distance from her former colleagues. To win authority, familiarity must be said goodbye. Yes, and restraint does not hurt – the time has passed when it was possible to gossip carelessly about anyone. The simplest solution to the problem is to re-establish relationships with each team member. Start a conversation without avoiding painful questions: “Yesterday I was your employee, and today I took the place of the leader. How do you perceive it? Now it is very difficult for me and it is important to feel the support of my colleagues, to know your opinion about our projects.” To some extent, the price of responsibility is loneliness. But the burden of power can be carried gracefully.”