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Rejection of physical love – does this path always lead to bodily and spiritual discomfort? Women who have voluntarily stopped sexual contact share their experiences.
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They will soon be fifty. They are calm, independent, attractive and successful. But they don’t have sex anymore – it simply has no place in their life. This happens quite often.
How to do without sex in a society where the dictatorship of pleasure reigns? Is it possible to withstand this pressure and feel harmony with yourself? Women take sex off their list of priorities for a variety of reasons, but each of them clearly feels her own atypicality.
47-year-old Vera has not had sexual intimacy for more than ten years. And it seems that this does not bother her: “I am satisfied with my life: creative work, friends, travel. Sex? He doesn’t interest me.”
But it is difficult for others to believe that this is really so.
Feeling empty
Is it natural to live without sex? In Essays on the Theory of Sexuality, Freud wrote that the voluntary renunciation of sex is unbearable, because attraction is a manifestation of innate vital energy (libido) that causes excitement that needs to be discharged. If it takes so much effort to suppress sexual desires, why do some women choose abstinence?
45-year-old Natalya experienced incest in her youth. At 30, she got married, but six months later the couple broke up. After the divorce, Natalia had no intimacy. “I am attracted to men, but as soon as I take a step towards, fear rolls over me,” she says with pain. “I am acutely aware of my inferiority and I understand that my body does not feel anything. As a result, I avoid any meetings.”
A woman can find inner balance if she learns to express feelings in words, affectionate gestures.
“Those who have experienced trauma in the sexual sphere no longer want to suffer and refuse sex,” says psychoanalyst Jean-David Nazio. “Their brain seems to silence the body: the memory of the experience takes precedence over the need for pleasure.” But they can also enjoy life.
“A woman is able to find inner balance if she manages to build the intimate side of the relationship without involving sexuality as such,” adds family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. “That is, if she learns to express feelings in words, with gentle gestures and switches her unused sexual potential to work, sports, and children.”
Pause needed
Some choose abstinence after a painful separation: the time when the body is silent helps to understand oneself, restore vitality.
“At first, it was painful for me to even think about making love to someone again,” says Margarita, 49, who went through a divorce nine years ago. – Then I began to analyze my feelings, tried to comprehend this experience. So far, I have not decided on a new relationship, but I am ready to meet a new man.
“Often, those who, due to life circumstances or personal characteristics, cannot find a permanent partner for a long time, and temporary ones do not suit them,” says sexologist Georgy Vvedensky. “And sometimes those who have already had a sex life suddenly realize that next to them is not the one they dreamed of.”
The need for sex and physical contact are different concepts
“Ten years ago I broke up with a man I had lived with for many years,” says Svetlana, 50. “I just felt like I couldn’t see him anymore. And now I hope to meet someone to whom you can really give all of yourself.
Both Svetlana and Margarita are waiting for tenderness and understanding rather than sexual relations. After all, the need for sex and bodily contact are different concepts.
according to nature
“Sexuality is the pleasure we get from our own body or from contact with another person,” says Jean-David Nazio. “Everyone needs it.” It is also true that the strength of sexual desire can change. Attraction is influenced by nutrition, age, general condition of the body, sexual constitution … Someone is often excited, while others have a much lower need for intimate life.
“People with a weak sexual constitution find it difficult to withstand social pressure that prescribes more sex than they need,” says Georgy Vvedensky. “Therefore, they often refuse intimate life.” Although the sexual constitution does not affect its quality, Inna Khamitova clarifies.
Bring back the meaning
Making love is not as vital as eating, sleeping, or breathing, but it is sexuality that helps us feel the fullness of life.
It is important to preserve your “I”, in which the body occupies an important place. And if abstinence is delayed, the body gradually falls into “hibernation”.
“Dancing, sports, and massage help to maintain contact with him,” says gynecologist Elena Egorova. “And if there are no religious prohibitions, you should allow yourself to masturbate in order to relieve tension and avoid stagnation of blood in the pelvic area.”
The main thing is our determination to return to a sexual life. This often happens due to a real feeling that overcomes fear. Like in a fairy tale about a sleeping beauty: life begins anew thanks to love.
“I was too dependent on the opinion of my parents”
Rimma, 47 years old
“I have never been married, although all my life it seemed to me that the main purpose of a woman is home, family, children … Apparently, the fact is that I have always depended on the opinion of my parents. At first they told me that I needed to get an education, and only then think about marriage. And when grooms appeared on the horizon, neither mother nor father categorically liked them.
My parents did not openly forbid me anything, but I always felt their cold, jealous attitude towards my choice. It didn’t bother me, it was even comfortable to live with them – habitually, predictably. I didn’t feel hurt or alone. Only, perhaps, she regretted that she never became a mother.
My attitude to life changed five years ago when my father died. I grieved a lot, I was simply destroyed by guilt for not being able to give him more warmth and love.
A friend, trying to help, invited me to a psychological training. After him, I realized that I was living some kind of far-fetched life, and began to look more consciously at life, my own parents, men and people in general. Today I am comfortable with myself. However, I am ready to seek compromises, I try to understand and respect men. I am ready for a long-term relationship, although I know that it will not be easy for my partner: I am used to being alone.