Evil directed at another always returns. We reflect our emotions into the world, and thus create a certain atmosphere around us. But what it is depends on us, on how we can cope with our negative emotions. We talk about the rules of careful communication with psychologist Maria Eril.
Psychologies: What does ecology mean in relation to relationships?
Maria Eril: Ecology — when we try not to litter and take care of the planet, because we understand that we can live in this and there is no getting away from it. The same is environmentally friendly in communication — do not litter in relationships, because you live in it.
And this is true not only in close relationships. If I cause anger, guilt, dissatisfaction in someone, all these emotions will circle and come back to me. In the immediate environment, we feel this return immediately. But he will be in the big world. If I create aggressive communication, I will live in this aggressive world.
Aggression isn’t always obvious…
Yes, it takes different forms. It’s not always a direct attack. Sometimes — isolation or irony. I once had a conversation with an actor. He answered questions like this. «Would you like to try your hand at directing?» “If I wanted to, I would have tried it!” It seems that he didn’t say anything bad about me, but it’s unpleasant.
Later, I learned from mutual friends that the director in the theater had yelled at him that day. And he, willingly or unwillingly, shared his fortune with me. So everything goes into the world, makes its cycle there.
Is it possible to stop this negative exchange, break the chain?
Of course, you can, for this we develop our emotional intelligence. I am often asked the question: “How to get rid of negative emotions, where to merge them and how not to let them in?” — and these are all different examples of an unecological attitude with their emotions.
Recently, before a business training that I led, the head of the company asked: “Make sure that employees do not experience emotions at work! You can leave only positive ones, but if not, then remove everything. I had to explain that repressed emotions cannot simply be made to disappear. When we think that we succeeded, in fact we suppress them, they accumulate, as a result, this leads to breakdowns or depression.
The solution is different: when I receive anger from someone, I understand that he is talking to me out of his pain, and I try to see it. If I respond to anger, I am protecting myself. If I see his pain, I connect with him. This is the ideal, and it is difficult. This is how the Dalai Lama lives, and we do not always do this. But when we understand that we acted unecologically, we should not sprinkle ashes on our heads, but correct what has been done.
How to correct your mistakes in communication?
If we understand that a conflict has arisen and we have hurt someone … there is such an expression “let’s talk about it” — but we must not just talk, but hear each other. When someone is hurt, he wants to be heard. And we too often perceive this as an accusation against us and begin to make excuses.
For example, they tell us: “I felt small, unnecessary,” and we make excuses: “Yes, I didn’t leave you, it seemed to you that something …” And if we go far in excuses, they sound like depreciation. «I feel lonely». — «Stop it! Who else cares so much about? And at this moment the interlocutor feels not only lonely, but also wrong.
But we can see in the expression of pain not an attack, but the desire of another to be heard and accepted along with his pain. «I’m sorry, I would like to fix this» — I join your feelings.
Should we try to anticipate the reactions of others, think about their desires?
To answer this question, we must first ask another: when I do this, how does it make me? It’s one thing if I like myself better this way: when I care about others. But if my whole self-identity is based on liking, that’s a different situation.
In some cases, it is more important to think about yourself, in others — about others. It’s one thing when I make tea during a break and offer it to everyone. Another is that we are running a marathon, and suddenly the leader stumbles. If I want to win, I run on and don’t ask if I need help. Or in the subway: give up your seat or not? First of all, I would check with my feeling. If I have energy, I will give way, I will move, but if there is no strength, then I will spit on the fact that they might not think very well of me.
There are no general rules given once and for all. This is freedom — we do what we want, but remember that every choice we make defines us. Sometimes it can be hard, we are looking for someone who will take responsibility for our actions. But shifting responsibility is also not environmentally friendly.
If something does not suit us, then we are responsible for getting out of this situation?
Responsibility for making a decision. And it can be different. If we enjoy our suffering, then we can not change the environment that does not suit us. Green relationships are awareness.
You’ve probably heard about mindful consumption: buy whatever you want, but think about how it will cost the planet. It’s the same with relationships: think what it will give. If it seems to you that you said — and everything, or that you can sweep under the carpet without consequences, this is self-deception. Everything will accumulate, emit radiation in the back of consciousness.
Is it helpful to give others instructions on how to treat yourself?
I don’t think it helps. Rules with «always» and «never» do not work, so we only drive ourselves into a dead end. “Never criticize me” — and three years later it turns out that my husband does not like my cooking: it is too salty for him. “Why were you silent?!” We have too much volatile context to give instructions.
What then to guide?
Lead by attention. Those who have collected testimonies of the dying say that the majority regrets that they followed the ideas they once learned, “the right way”, instead of noticing their lives, relationships with loved ones. Meditation teachers say the same thing.
Ecological attention — when I look at the other and in contact with him empathically understand what is happening to him — and then, just in case, I ask him, clarify whether my guesses are correct. I am not trying to define it with the help of, say, socionics or something else. I just peer, listen to this moment in which we are co-present.