When sex makes us suffer

Sexually addicted people lose control over their sexuality. She becomes unwanted and forced, as if they are having sex against their will. Their sexuality can be compared to a drug: it causes negative emotions, but at the same time it is impossible to refuse it.

Sex is like a drug

Addicts are constantly looking for ever stronger experiences. Vivid experiences do not last long, and such people tend to repeat this experience as soon as possible. “They are raising the bar higher and higher,” notes psychoanalyst Jean-Benoit Dumonteil, an addiction specialist. “And so they soon discover that their sexuality goes against their beliefs.” In the course is sadomasochism, hard sex …

Sex addicts often use the phrases “the dose is needed”, “their portion”. Sex for them plays the role of a stimulant, like alcohol or marijuana. “Yes, these are comparable things,” the psychoanalyst believes. – For some, deprivation of the “dose” causes withdrawal: the limbs tremble, the teeth chatter. These are the same withdrawal symptoms that those who are deprived of heroin or alcohol experience.”

Addiction leads to the fact that psychology also changes. Perception narrows, a kind of tunnel appears. It gives the illusion of security, but at the same time, other people simply cease to exist.

The Other as an Object

Sex addicts are looking for more and more partners, but they are not interested in their personality. The other ceases to be for them a person in the full sense of the word. He turns into a body, an object of masturbation and is not perceived as a person.

“One of the ways to get out of addiction is to return to the other his human position, to allow him to become a subject,” emphasizes the psychoanalyst.

Addicts destroy social bonds, their destructive passion consumes their time and thoughts. They may refuse to meet friends if there is an opportunity to have sex. If they find themselves in crisis or frustration, they may act aggressively, taking out their rage on others for losing the ability to control their lives. In most cases, in the company of others, they experience shame: “if you only knew who I really am.”

Special property

Sex addiction is in many ways similar to other types of addiction, but there is also a feature – its “tool” is inseparable from us, it is part of our personality.

“We can easily resort to masturbation,” explains Jean-Benoit Dumonteil, “because this drug is so difficult to fight. We can put alcohol away and never touch it, but we cannot get rid of our sexuality. Therefore, there is always a risk of becoming addicted.” So we need to continue to live with our sexuality, but do it differently.

But at what point does hypersexuality turn into addiction and is it possible to distinguish between them? The former is manageable and can be pleasurable, while the latter is uncontrollable and causes guilt and shame.

Typical signs

Sexual addiction affects people of all ages, of any gender, with a wide variety of addictions, but some typical signs can be identified.

Most addicts, as the psychoanalyst explains, are men in their forties, who often find themselves in stressful situations in everyday life and bear great responsibility. For example, politicians or doctors on whom the lives of other people depend, sometimes literally. They begin to use sex as a way to defuse the accumulated tension.

Most often, a traumatic episode of a sexual nature is found in their past: indecent behavior of someone from the environment, promiscuity, incest or violence. This event makes them vulnerable. Their childish or adolescent psyche is not yet strong enough and mature enough to cope with and process impressions that contain duality: they simultaneously generate a feeling of rejection and excitement.

This brokenness later develops into deep inner anxiety. It also often turns out that they grew up in an environment of addiction – for example, one of the elders had problems with alcohol.

Lies and exposure

Sex addiction is inseparable from lies. Addicts not only have two phones, they have a double life. “Most of my patients are married,” says the psychoanalyst, “so they have had to or will have to tell their partners what is going on.”

They all face the risk of losing the one they love. It is also a moment of great shame: they have to reveal their true face, acknowledging the fact that before they hid it.

And yet, the discovery of the truth is a relief: in most cases, the partners already knew that they were hiding something from them. At the same time, learning about the infidelity of the addict, they understand that the reason is not in them. In most cases, having survived the shock, the partners of the addicts still find the strength to understand and forgive. They stay together to help get well, and their help is invaluable.

For singles, getting out of addiction is more difficult, and the addiction itself is much more destructive. And yet addicts themselves can find a way out of addiction. It begins with a refusal to lie to ourselves.

Find the way out

All addicts go through a stage of denial, when the addiction seems to be manageable. Until this stage is over, healing will not begin. The first step to recovery is acknowledging the problem. The second is asking for help. It is necessary: ​​we are too prone to deceive ourselves and therefore cannot become therapists for ourselves.

You need to contact the therapist who knows how to work with addiction, the psychoanalyst emphasizes. The therapy itself consists of two stages. The first is a discussion of the disease. The addict asks himself important questions:

• What do I do?
• What is happening to me?
• At what point does this happen?
• What’s throwing me off track?

So his life becomes more conscious, he learns to see the manifestations of his illness. Then a deeper, analytical stage begins. This is work to find out the causes of addiction and the search for new behavior in difficult situations.

Three Parts of Healing

Three important parts of therapy:

1. Avoid boredom. The time and place that addiction has occupied should not remain empty, it is important to fill them with something. It is important to find something that gives pleasure, captivates. Boredom is a risk factor for any drug addict, whatever his drug. Such a substitution does not occur immediately and requires patience.

2. Create a new reaction. The addict tries to treat himself in a new way. He listens to what is happening to him and learns to delay his response to stress. He may decide that after something has happened, he will wait 5 or 10 minutes and thus avoid the previous automatic reaction. He gets the opportunity to act thoughtfully.

3. Anticipate crises. He also learns to anticipate crises that could cause an addiction attack, tries to plan events so that they do not cause a stress reaction.

Healing means that old behaviors cease and new patterns are created. But the predisposition to addiction does not disappear, in this sense it is incurable. In case of injury, recurrence is possible. That is why we must remain vigilant. At first it requires an investment of effort, but over time it becomes habitual.