When raised (only) by the mother

Psychologies: How to gain credibility while maintaining a trusting relationship with children?

Silvan Giampino: Communication and trust do not prevent parents from establishing their authority, just today this concept should be reconsidered. Modern children are used to expressing their opinions, making independent decisions, making choices. Therefore, they do not perceive harsh prohibitions and orders.

It is worth remembering that the closeness between mother and child does not mean that the status of “adult” in relation to the child has lost its meaning. In other words, along with authority, of course, there is an opportunity for negotiation, but in the end, the last word is always with the adult.

If the father is not around, is it true that the child will not have an image of a man to which he could orient himself?

In order to grow up, children need to identify with a man or woman, not with mom or dad. It must be admitted that today blood ties are no longer as important as they used to be, and the biological father is not always involved in raising a child. It is time to abandon the myth that only the father is able to symbolize authority for the child. If dad is not around, children find support for gender role identification where it can be found. It can be a stepfather, uncle, teacher and even a movie character.

In order for the child’s personality to form correctly, he needs a symbolic image of the father: his role is to help the child separate from the mother, to break the too close connection, which, according to psychoanalysis, risks becoming akin to incest.

If the father is not around, it is enough for the mother to refer to him, for example, telling the child: “If your father were here now, he would not tolerate your bad behavior” or vice versa: “He would be proud of you.” And indeed, the words of the mother in a sense are able to “create” the necessary image of the father.

Those who work a lot are stressed and break down faster, especially when children begin to quarrel with each other. Do we need to apologize to them later for the fact that we flared up?

You need to figure out what is the matter here: either you have not been able to establish your authority, or it is difficult for you to maintain peace of mind. On the other hand, when you come home from work late, you are probably not able to conscientiously and patiently check your homework. And when the cup of your patience overflows, you break down, you are unfair.

Of course, you can apologize later, but it is important that the child understands that the mother cannot always give him time and that she can sometimes flare up. When it comes to sibling fights, children can often resolve the conflict themselves and don’t need their mother to act as an arbitrator. It is better not to interfere with their game so that they do not begin to manipulate you.

The worries about the daily life of a child often fall on the mother’s shoulders, and children often spend their leisure time with their dad, and every weekend with him turns into a holiday. What if the child says that he does not like living with his mother?

Free time and entertainment are associated in a child with dad, and all kinds of demands, restrictions and a sense of frustration with mom. This is the traditional model of family life after a divorce. Today, especially in the West, it is gradually being replaced by another: the child lives alternately with his mother, then with his father. This order is designed to restore balance, distributing worries and joys equally between the two parents.

Many fathers are willing to take on the day-to-day problems of their children if they can see them outside of the weekends. If this is not possible, child support can be spent on other needs, such as a tutor who will help the child with homework.

If this issue is still under negotiation, the mother can rejoice with her son or daughter that he (a) is having such fun with the father, and at the same time ask the child to help the father with the housework.

Some boys are very rude to their mother. What is the right way to react to this?

Such manifestations of rebellion, which can lead to serious consequences, at the same time indicate a strong desire to move away from the mother and that it is very difficult for the child to part with her. Cruelty indicates an internal conflict that can only be resolved by moving away from the mother, at least for a while.

Moms say they feel “powerless” in this situation, and they are right. They are unable to help their son become a man. He must prove himself properly in the eyes of others. A mother can never become a father to a child, but at the same time she must understand that her adult son must (and wants) to become independent. She can help him grow up if she agrees to send him somewhere to study or let him live with his father, friends or relatives.

When he speaks rudely to you, nothing prevents you from stopping him: “I won’t be able to answer you while you say such words to me and talk to me in such a tone!”

What if the father speaks badly of the mother in a conversation with the child?

You need to talk about this with your father (if possible!) and tell the children the truth: dad is most likely very sad because they will no longer live together. And that even adults can talk badly about others when they are unhappy.