«When I was a child, Peter told me I often dreamed that I was an eaglet learning to fly. But as soon as I understood how it was done, I got confused and smashed my head against the rock.
Peter is a charming man who gets along well with everyone. One problem is that he suffers from severe chronic headaches. In addition, he is deeply depressed. “It seems to me that I never in my life could make the right decision,” he told me, “I just chose the easiest or more familiar move to me, and then regretted it.”
Many people often implement similar behaviors in different situations. It looks as if they know they are marrying the wrong person, choosing the wrong profession, choosing the wrong place to live and when to have children. They feel trapped in their own passivity and indecision. What makes people like Peter do harm to themselves, because it only increases their unhappiness?
There are many different versions, but it is most likely that in childhood his parents rejected him, neglected to deal with him, behaved insensitively and cruelly towards him. And most of the time it will be the correct answer. But it also happens that everything happens not from the lack of love of parents, but from the fact that this love is too much.
“My mother adored me,” Peter explained, “she never let me out of her sight. Nothing was out of reach for me. I can’t remember being scolded, but at the same time, I didn’t do anything for which I could be scolded.” Peter’s mother was a capable, ambitious woman who became disillusioned with her husband. Peter’s father was fired from many jobs, and he did not earn well. My father was a quiet and compliant person. He was not a fighter, and he had to give in to everyone. “Mother often yelled at him: “No one respects you! You are nothing!» — Peter recalled. — She was a lonely and disappointed woman, I was her only concern, her only joy in her life. She was terrified that she might lose me, and she protected me in every possible way.
Peter was never allowed to skate or play baseball because he could hurt himself. Mother took him everywhere with her. “I was her partner, her admirer and her only companion all my childhood,” Peter noted. “When I had the desire to leave, I was overwhelmed with guilt. She was so kind to me, how could I hurt her so much?»
Of course, Peter is an extreme case, but after I met him, I understood better how parents, without realizing it, strangle the child, suppress any of his desire to try his own strength.
For example, a mother tells a child that the playground slide is “too high for you.” They are not allowed into the house of a new friend, because «they play too good games there.» Hiking on weekends in class VII is prohibited because there «will not be enough supervision.» A friend’s summer camp is rejected on the grounds that «there’s too much competition,» and a bike ride with peers is said to be «too long and you’ll get tired.» In such circumstances, it is obvious that the choice of college and choice of profession will be made by parents. The choice of a spouse or spouse will require great stamina from a son or daughter, most likely, the last word in this case will be with the parents.
Of course, parents must protect the child from dangers, assess how ready he is for activities that involve risk. Some situations are dangerous and undesirable, and children should be protected from them. But sometimes parents are alarmed for no reason. Their behavior means that they are calm only when the child is completely dependent on them. They are horrified that he will have to be allowed out of the house, even if it is necessary and safe.
There are usually two main reasons for such overprotection: the desire to suppress the child’s need to grow, to experiment, and this gives him a desire to be more independent and independent.
The first reason comes from the fact that parents use the child to meet their own needs. It replaces all other normal ways of adult self-realization, especially those related to marriage and work.
The second reason suffocating love looks different, but has the same roots. Overprotection often hides strong hostility towards the child. Since this feeling is unacceptable and causes a feeling of guilt, it is quickly forced into the subconscious. Some dissatisfied and frustrated parents are actually afraid that their hostility or rejection of the child may lead to something terrible happening to him.
Peter, wanting to understand the causes of frequent headaches and depression, came to the conclusion that this was the result of his mother hating her own life. “She was smart and capable,” he said, “but she had no specialty, she was completely dependent on a person whom she did not respect and did not love. Perhaps she would have left him if not for me! Maybe she thought something terrible was about to happen to me because she didn’t want me to be born. No wonder she was so afraid to let me out of the house! What a burden we were to each other: after all, we both wanted to be «eagles» and fly away, but instead we held each other tightly in chains.
Parents whose life has not been fulfilled and who have harbored feelings of deep resentment and disappointment are an exception, but each of us has moments when such feelings come to the surface. One recently divorced mother told me: “When my daughter and I moved into a new apartment, I acted like an idiot. I have never been an anxious mother before, but then I suddenly became afraid to let my daughter go out alone. She used to go to school by herself, now I began to accompany her. I did not allow her to go on vacation for two weeks to my friend in the summer. Fortunately, the daughter has character, and she resisted many of my prohibitions.
I made an appointment with a psychotherapist and asked him a question: «Why is my daughter so naughty?» take care. My divorce was the beginning of a new life for me. I have achieved the desired freedom. When I began to realize this and understand that my feelings are normal, I also realized that Amy has grown up and has the right to her own actions and independence, that, after all, we both need it!
One father who was unemployed for a year told me that he had a balanced, normal relationship with his wife and two sons as long as everything was going well in life. “But,” he remarked, “the stress of losing my job was so great that I stopped looking like myself. If my sons chased me away when I wanted to play with them, I felt resentful and hurt. The boys felt guilty and actually abandoned most of their extracurricular activities in order to spend more time with me than with their friends. And I clung to them like a drowning man at a straw.
One day my wife said to me quietly, «You have no right to use your children to fill the void you feel.» I took these words very painfully, and they infuriated me. But then, on reflection, I realized that she was right. In an effort to fill the void in my life, I interfered with the normal development of my children for several months until I got a job: I began to volunteer in a hospital. This gave me the feeling that people need me, and my guys got back their freedom and the right to live an independent life.”
It is always difficult for parents to find a “golden mean” in matters of raising their own children. One young mother told me, “It’s so hard not to go to extremes. I was the only and late child. My parents treated me like a Dresden porcelain figurine, and because of this I felt crushed and offended. I made a promise to myself that I would never be an overprotective mother, that I would do my best not to interfere with my unborn child’s growth. I gave my daughter the opportunity to try to do everything herself. I tried to teach her to make independent decisions and constantly encouraged her: “Be bolder! Don’t be a mother’s girl!»
What have I achieved? Only one thing: by the age of eight she was a complete neurotic! Finally I realized that going to the opposite extreme, I raised a fearful child who was just as inhibited as I was. She was not ready to make decisions on her own and try her hand at various activities. One day I said to her: “Jennifer, I have come to the conclusion that you are too young to ride a bike on the highway. You yourself cannot choose the camp where you will rest. I didn’t expect her to be so happy with my decision. It’s so hard to find that balance between overprotection and inattention!»
Later, I told this story to a kindergarten teacher who remarked, “You know, this issue is getting more and more acute as people want to have fewer children. In our kindergarten, at least half of the parents are not planning a second child. Striking the delicate balance between being overprotective and pushing for independence too early requires special attention in single-child families.”
Regardless of the size of our families, we all feel fear, dissatisfaction, boredom, frustration, dissatisfaction at times. “There is no cure for life,” a friend told me, and that says it all. We all have times when we demand too much from our children, or when we are so angry or resentful that our love becomes suffocating. For me, the image that arose in Peter’s dreams will remain unforgettable, and we all need to remember this. We all want our children to stand firmly on their feet, but we must not “kill” in them the desire to fly, the desire to become bold, high-flying eagles, and not downed chicks.