When not to ask «why?»

It was difficult for Alexander to get along with people. His career was successful, but his relationships with colleagues were not very good. He did not clash with anyone, but communication was strained and limited only to work issues.

All attempts to speak on abstract topics ended with Alexander uttering yet another absurdity and becoming embarrassedly silent. Home was no better. Relations with his wife were reduced exclusively to discussing problems with teenage children.

Most of the time, he had no idea what the kids were doing or who they were spending time with, and he had a vague idea of ​​what was going on in his own marriage. Both at home and at work, he felt lonely and useless.

Then Alexander decided that it was time to end this and start asking others direct questions. An analyst by mind, he was often puzzled as to why people acted the way they did.

It seemed logical to him to simply ask «why?» He hoped that this would help to maintain an easy conversation and win over those around him. But the effect was the opposite.

Alexander was completely at a loss: what was wrong with the question “why?” And how without his participation to establish personal relationships?

«Why?» sounds like a complaint

“Why did you do it?”, “Why did you say that?” “Why are you angry?” “Why do you care so much?” “Why is this important?” Any of these questions implies the answer «Because …» When answering them, we instantly take a defensive position and try to justify ourselves.

Behind the seemingly innocent «why?» there is an indirect accusation that someone’s actions, words, emotions are unacceptable and require further explanations, justifications or even justifications. There is judgment and prejudice in it.

Especially for the interlocutor, who perceives events in his own way, and therefore sees in this phrase a blow to pride. Ask «why?» need to be very careful.

When «Why?» to the detriment

Anyone who abuses this question unwittingly repels others. In the case of Alexander, the wife saw in his endless “why?” an attempt to assign the role of the «main» parent, but not the partner.

Teenage kids hated having to explain every step and felt like they were being tortured. It seemed to colleagues that Alexander constantly doubted their competence. Despite the fact that he did not intend to denounce anyone at all, but only sought to understand them, for the other side, everything looked the other way around.

When «Why» is good

Sometimes this question is indispensable. For example, lawyers in court to collect evidence. Investigators who are questioning witnesses or suspects. Both cases are motivated by the intention to obtain as much information as possible in order to provide a person with protection or achieve his recognition.

In personal relationships, too, situations sometimes arise that are important to resolve, and at such moments a direct and simple question “why?” really helps.

Ask without «Why?»

There are many other ways to get close to people and understand their motivations. “I’m lost, can you explain what happened?”, “Help me figure out what you mean?”, “I see that you are upset, can I help with something?”, “Something is bothering you, what’s the matter? «,» It seems to be important to you. Can you share?»

Alternative statements and questions achieve the same goal, but do not force the interlocutors to defend themselves. In building relationships, this method is much more appropriate than the provocative “why?” Alexander stopped harassing everyone with his “why?” and tried something different.

At first it was not easy to replace the usual question with softer introductory expressions, but over time he mastered this technique. As a result, the efforts paid off: the man managed to rebuild good relations with his family and colleagues.