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One of the rules of communication: you can always talk about good things and not necessarily on business. About the bad (about problems and someone’s shortcomings) — only for real needs, when there is a desire to change it and a vision of how this can be done. If there is no need to talk about the bad, we close these topics.
When is baying allowed?
Grandmother Nina sometimes has fits of class hatred. And then I let her in to the windows — to grumble. She returns enlightened, rested, as if from a resort.
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Sometimes you want to get drunk. There is a negative seething inside, and I really want to get rid of it. But there is no constructive element in this negative winding. Can you just be silent, digest the negative only inside? How to deal with it?
One of the rules that helps when discussing difficult issues in the family is: “Negativity is allowed only as a bay. If we want to achieve something, we use only the positive and constructive.
That is, if someone suddenly becomes ill and stressed, it is not necessary to always translate this into a positive (sometimes it is energy-consuming), in some cases it is easier to just pour out of oneself (to get drunk). And the other person helps in this — helps to speak out. (See Speaking Difficult Emotions).
But both know that this is only an official procedure, and there is no obligation to react to emotions in any way. Relieved — and good.
You can only bay on strangers
If there is criticism and reproaches in the baying against the one with whom you are near baying, then most likely it will hurt him. Therefore, on a person — do not bay. You can only bay on someone who is not next to us.
And if you want to talk about the behavior and decision of the one who is next to you, then come to your senses and formulate it properly. For good. positive and constructive. See Criticism Plus-Help-Plus and Criticism Bypassing Resistance
Rule of Positive and Negative in discussion and sore topics
People have their own sore topics. If the baying of one touches the sore subject of the other, then the result will not be relief, but a new disassembly and quarrel. Therefore, for security reasons, baying must be limited: “You can’t bay on sore topics.”
Is it possible, and how, to talk about painful topics — see the articles Painful topics and The right to mental health protection
How often can comments be made?
Even if the comments are made in a constructive manner, gently and kindly, they are still indications of a shortcoming and a requirement to correct one’s behavior and communication. Accordingly, it is clear that frequent comments begin to bother and are perceived as a stream of negativity. What then is right: to stop making remarks?
It seems that the real solution is different: comments are not only negative, but also positive. Compliment and admiration are also remarks, but they create joy and strengthen relationships. Therefore, the first: we begin to make comments in the ratio of 7 to 1: for seven positive comments, one negative one. For seven admirations, one criticism.
However, this does not completely solve the problem. The fact is that compliments, praises and admiration are usually short, it is difficult to stretch them for a long time, and critical remarks are accompanied by discussions and stretch for a long time. Therefore, if you look at the time, even the quantitative ratio of 7 to 1 in real time often turns into 1 to 7: that is, all seven positive comments flashed in 2 minutes, and one critical comment stretched for 15 minutes.
And what to do in this case? Refuse to comment at all, so as not to spoil everyone’s mood? It seems that this solution is still not the best. In fact, there is a good solution here, and the solution is unexpected. If a remark is made by an intelligent person, especially if it is a remark by the head of the family, that is, the highest head of this family organization, then his remarks should not be reacted with protests and discussions, but simply everything should be done at once. Then the question will take not 15 minutes, but 15 seconds. And there will be harmony and joy in the family.
Hint: if the children do not agree with the parents’ comments, the order is as follows: first we do as it is said, and then we discuss. Sometimes wise women do the same. In good families, such discussions are honest and unhurried, everything can be sorted out and the best conclusions for the future can be drawn.