When love has passed: how to break up in a good way

“When I got married, I thought that we would live happily ever after until death do us part,” recalls 29-year-old Irina. — And three years later I realized that it would not be possible to combine it. I chose «happily» and filed for divorce.»

According to Roskomstat, divorces in Russia account for about two-thirds of the number of marriages. We asked systemic family psychotherapists Anastasia Akbarova and Aleksey Mikhalsky to talk about why family projects end and what to do if separation is inevitable.

How to understand that it’s time to leave?

Alexey Mikhalsky: We are constantly predicting our future. And in a relationship, a lot depends on what the forecast is. We analyze the actions of a partner, and if we understand that our needs in these relationships will not be realized, then the forecast is pessimistic and we tend to part. Previous experience also influences the decision. That is, if we had a bad relationship in the past, we are more likely to assume that this time it will not work out either. However, different couples have different needs. And it is not always the need for affection and security.

There are couples in which the parties value independence, but they enjoy, for example, traveling together or exploring the world and themselves. Proximity is not so important, they draw it somewhere else. But to save a couple, you need a mutual desire. If only one person is interested in it, it is unlikely that something will work out.

Alarm calls — lack of sex, frequent quarrels. But nothing can be said for sure. And when clients come to me, I suggest giving the relationship a trial period, doing different tasks, observing yourself. If the partners do not have a clear answer as to whether they want to continue living together, then neither does the therapist. Here you have to try.

Anastasia Akbarova: Even the single phrase “I don’t want to be with you anymore!” — perhaps not so much a firm decision, but a desire to hide from pain that cannot be dealt with in other ways. That is, I want to get away not so much from this person as from the current situation. And here there may be a chance to help partners better understand themselves and the other, to establish communication.

Perhaps the relationship can be considered exhausted when the partners are simply not interested in being together. They do not make general plans, they do not know why they should be around, and they experience not negative emotions, but “nothing”, emptiness. But it does not often happen when both come to the idea of ​​breaking up at the same time. Rather, there is only one initiator. And then the second is more painful.

Why do parting parties so often quarrel and blame each other?

Anastasia Akbarova: When someone is hurt, depending on the characteristics of the character, he can hold the other, move away or attack him. Because if everything collapsed, it turns out that I made a mistake? And I want to say: “No, it’s not me, it’s your fault! You killed my best years” and so on. The law of life is paradoxical: it is easier to leave a good relationship.

Alexey Mikhalsky: A breakup is like an accident. Everyone reacts differently. Someone will be silent, someone will shout, scold other drivers, the road: this is how he copes with stress, gives vent to emotions. One driver can then go further, while another needs a month of respite. The third one will not sit behind the wheel at all. Breaking up a relationship is an unjustified hope for the future. It is always painful, hurts well-being and health. But everyone has different sensitivities and their own strategies for dealing with it.

Do you need a good relationship after a divorce?

Anastasia Akbarova: A peaceful relationship is a sign of a completed divorce. If a divorce is regarded as a failure, it hurts self-esteem. Now many couples, even if they do not have children and joint projects, try to leave kindly.

Alexey Mikhalsky: Of course, not everyone needs a good relationship. It all depends on how the partner fits into our picture of the world. If we can live in a situation where we no longer see this person, then there is no point in continuing the relationship. But if they do not end, it is better that they are not traumatic. It happens that a couple breaks up, but the two continue to do what they love together. For example, they go to concerts, no longer claiming a common intimate space. But most often this lasts until someone has a new partner who will take the attention.

How to not spoil the relationship completely when breaking up?

Alexey Mikhalsky: Each partner should first of all think about what he himself needs. Then understand that a new page is opening in his life, the future is changing, and reflect on how he would like to see it. As far as the attitude towards a partner is concerned, the advice is negative and begins with a “no”: do not decide for the former partner what and how to do, do not attribute any feelings and intentions to him, do not pursue him and do not dictate your own terms. To make all this possible, it would be good to develop rules for how we will communicate with each other in this new situation — and start by discussing these rules.

Anastasia Akbarova: First of all, you need to try to reduce the intensity of emotions, bring yourself to a calmer state. It is useful to remember that there was something positive in marriage, not to devalue your own experience. It is not necessary to dive into bright memories — in the initial stages of a breakup, they can cause a lot of pain — just remind yourself that they were.

Just because a marriage broke down doesn’t mean it didn’t make sense. This is love, which opens up new sides in us, and what we have learned, and pleasant memories. Two things should be avoided: first, you should not devalue everything that was in marriage. Don’t look at the whole shared past as if it was a complete mistake that needs to be crossed out. After all, it is sometimes years of life! Secondly, you can not put all the problems in another person. Relationships are something that happens between people, not with each one individually. We can say to ourselves: our dance did not work out. And don’t confuse analysis with accusations.

How can a couples therapist help a separating couple?

Anastasia Akbarova: First of all, he can unload partners, helping them in solving emotional problems. When parting, you have to solve many issues, including domestic ones. How to divide property, who will live where, what to say to children, relatives, friends… And there may simply not be enough resources for all this — to do it all at the same time. Often partners simply do not hear each other, and the therapist acts as an interpreter, helping them understand who wants what and establish communication. In the psychological office, partners get that safe space that they lack in everyday life. And it becomes easier to negotiate.

Alexey Mikhalsky: Parting is a blow for many, even if the couple approached it gradually. But then it happened, and it is not clear what happens next. There is great confusion. The therapist helps to get out of stress and restore the ability to live independently and create a picture of your own future.

If a couple comes together, we discuss it with both: what will happen next, will they communicate or not, if so, how. The main thing here is that everyone has a perspective and meaning: how to live and why. This is if the couple came with a ready decision to leave. If they hesitate, then we do what I already talked about: give the relationship a chance and observe …

If a couple looks at the union as temporary in advance, how does this affect the relationship?

Anastasia Akbarova: Impossible to predict! Someone with more responsibility builds relationships if they firmly believe that they are the only ones for life. Others feel better if they think they can get a divorce as a last resort. Perhaps the last resort will never come.

Sometimes divorced couples get back together. What are the chances of happiness?

Alexey Mikhalsky: I know such examples, sometimes it is a lasting marriage. But according to my observations, the participants in such couples do not reach the height of relationship satisfaction. The downside is that past problems are repeated that once led to a breakup. The good thing is that the partners know each other, imagine what their life together will be like, and they don’t have unrealistic expectations and disappointments. I don’t have statistics, but it seems to me that those couples who have taken a big break in communication, not for a week or six months, but for several years, have more chances. When they have the experience of a fully autonomous life.