When love for a child didn’t come

In the search — 3 thousand queries on this topic, 330 of them — with the wording «the maternal instinct did not wake up.» In the Facebook community (an extremist organization banned in Russia), out of 7 thousand young mothers, every tenth says that after the birth of a child they do not feel love for him:

“I didn’t have love. I cried and thought that I was the worst mother. I wanted a time machine to bring everything back, ”Nina writes about the first months after the birth of a child.

“I didn’t either. I cried and constantly thought: “What have I done?!” Marina says about her experience.

“A friend told me that this is an avalanche of unconditional love, that she had never felt like this before, and all that. I was very upset that I didn’t have such a surge of love, ”Tatyana shares.

If after the birth of a child we do not feel anything for him, is there any reason for concern?

Instinct

We owe the feeling of guilt, disappointment in ourselves to the concept of maternal instinct. It is believed that every woman has an innate knowledge of how to be a parent, which automatically turns on the moment a child is born. This idea ruins the lives of many mothers.

My clients often say that the maternal instinct has not turned on: “there is no feeling that I am a mother”, “I still do not feel love for the child”, and so on. Behind these phrases is anxiety: will it be possible to be a good mother? After all, everything should have been completely different: the long-awaited meeting with the baby was supposed to fill the heart with love.

The next time one of the relatives says “You’re a mother!”, You can answer that you have every right to feel anxiety and confusion. Maternal instinct does not exist.

Instinctive, innate forms of behavior are always ready-made solutions for certain environmental conditions. But the human environment is incredibly diverse and complex. It is not always immediately clear what to prepare for. It is not for nothing that a human cub is born the most helpless of all mammals — it does not need ready-made solutions, it will have to adapt to the environment in which it finds itself.

public animal

Once I was walking with my daughter on the playground. The grandmother on the next bench began to scold her grandson loudly. I shuddered and other mothers. At that moment, I realized: usually no one yells at children on the street. This is not the way to behave with a child.

Parenthood is a sociocultural phenomenon, and each society has its own requirements for the care and upbringing of a child. Here is an example. The American anthropologist Margaret Mead described the different forms of parental behavior adopted by the tribes of Polynesia.

• In the Samoan tribe, the mother transfers care of the baby to older children as early as possible.
• In the Manus tribe, the father takes full responsibility for the upbringing of the child from the age of two.
• Arapesh demand from mother and father the same sensitivity towards the child — in the first months, both parents are constantly with him.

Over the past 20 years, the understanding of how to behave with a child has changed. According to a VTsIOM survey in 2012, about 33% of adults in childhood experienced punishment with a belt, now only 12% of parents resort to such open violence against a child. The number of people who use physical punishment is still high, but a positive trend is visible.

Psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya noticed that the request of a modern parent has changed qualitatively over the past 10-15 years. Previously, parents set the psychologist the task of “fixing” the child so that he became obedient. Now they are worried that they cannot accept him and love him unconditionally.

When you don’t want kids

It can be objected that education is realized in different ways, but it is instinct that makes us want children and take care of them. So, a person must certainly want to become a parent?

This desire, as a rule, is also formed under the pressure of the social context. In Western societies, more and more adults are making the conscious decision not to become parents. According to 2013 polls, just 41% of Americans consider children an important part of family life. In Germany, 30% of women and 48% of men do not want children.

Another form of child abandonment can be considered deviant motherhood — when a mother abandons a newborn. The basis of such behavior is not a genetic failure of the program, but a difficult relationship with one’s own mother or their complete absence.

Psychologist Galina Filippova describes six stages in the development of the maternal sphere: it begins with communication with the mother, participation in the upbringing of brothers and sisters, and continues with the birth of her own child. Traumatic childhood experiences negatively affect our ability to parent, love and care for a child.

But what about fathers?

When the daughter was a little over a year old, her husband nursed her alone for two days. He complained about how hard it was for him when she could not fall asleep for a long time and woke up early. I said that I understand, because I deal with this every day. “Yes, but it is easier for women,” the husband replied. He believed that it was easier for women to sleep less and endure other difficulties with the child.

The first time after the birth of a child, fathers watch their wives and copy their ways of communicating with the baby. It seems to men that a woman intuitively knows how to handle a child. She seemed to be prompted by natural mechanisms. At the same time, the woman also gets her first experience.

The secret is simple — the mother simply spends more time with the child. This allows her to study the temperament and habits of the baby, to understand what he likes and what not.

Studies show that fathers who take care of the child on an equal basis with the mother experience the same changes in the brain as her. Men cope with the task just as well and also learn to understand the needs and moods of the baby — you just need to interact with him regularly.

What to do?

If the baby was born and love didn’t come, exhale and don’t waste your energy on feeling guilty. It doesn’t say anything about whether you’re a good mom or not. Love doesn’t have to come automatically. You have the right to feel confused, fearful, responsible and anxious. Everything goes on as usual — the parent in us is born gradually. Studies show that this process takes from six months to one and a half years.

Remember the movie «Maleficent» with Angelina Jolie? In the beginning, the girl Aurora did not cause her anything but surprise. Maleficent watched her, gradually began to care, then to communicate. And she was able to love her in a way that she did not expect from herself. What saves Aurora is not the kiss of a prince she barely knows, but the love of Maleficent.

The tale well illustrates the psychological law: affection and love for a child develop in interaction. There is no innate «button» that launches a parent in us. Relations with a child, like any other, we build over time.

When should you worry? If a child causes disgust and aggression in you, you don’t want to touch him, it’s hard for you to be around. In this case, you need to contact a psychologist.

If there are no such experiences, you are in a resourceful state. Just repeat after Maleficent, and the child will help you:

— Watch babyshow interest in its development. He will delight you with his success every month,

— Take care of baby. The child will demand your attention and physical contact — this helps to strengthen attachment. The difficulties that you go through together will strengthen the relationship.

— Communicate with your child. The first thing he will learn is to smile at you and rejoice at your appearance. Because communication with you is vital for him.

In everyday worries, your love for the child will gradually grow — special, unlike anything else.