Parents move to a nursing home. What feelings does this day bring? Our relationship with them has not always been easy. Will regret remain in the past – or will it always be with us?
This time of the year has been especially difficult – I feel stuck between the past and the future. Parents move to a nursing home. Luckily, my brother works in one of them and suggested the best place for them.
It will still be a very sad day. Dad is worried, but we hope that he can learn to appreciate the life around him – especially after a long isolation in the house that has become his prison. We want him to be as happy as possible, living in an environment that you don’t have to choose. At least one of his children will be around.
None of this is able to console my mother, who says that she would be better off dead. She has wanted to die for many years, she talks about it every day, the boredom and hardships of old age are unbearable for her. Memory no longer serves her well, but there are also enlightenments during which she scolds the heavens for keeping her alive. “I know,” I say, holding her hand, “I know.” I want her to die – not because I want to get rid of her, but because I know that this is her sincere desire.
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Of course, the suffering of the parents in this case is more important than my experiences, but I was even surprised how difficult and sad feelings I experienced, especially considering that my relationship with my mother was always difficult – she had a difficult relationship with all the children.
Over the years, my anger has been replaced by compassion. I have never been cruel to her, she is too immersed in herself, like a child who does not understand what he is doing – this is not from evil, but from misfortune. Any harsh words will just hurt her.
For me, this turned into an internal struggle, and, fortunately, I was able to find peace, which is especially important as everything approaches the end. In this regard, I recall the words of my favorite poem by Rumi, a poet and Sufi mystic who lived in the XNUMXth century: “Far beyond the ideas of right and wrong actions, there is a field. I will meet you there.”
And still, my mother’s time is running out, and her words do not console her. I want to help her without words and gave her a cashmere shawl – let her hug her in a new house. I also looked for old family photos that keep past happiness. I was going to write “gone” happiness, but I hope that in fact it never leaves, remaining in our hearts and memories. Here is a picture of my mother, she is young and incredibly beautiful, her brilliant smile shines with optimism. This picture of past happiness, which I put in a silver frame, helps to eclipse the melancholy of today.
On the threshold of a new era, I try to enjoy the changes. Desires are not always tied with silk ribbons. Sometimes we pray in whispers that they will come true – I want to leave behind all the regrets about my relationship with my mother. Of all the emotions, regret is the most wasteful of all, and I just want my mom’s journey to sleep to be smooth and easy and someone to comfort her along the way.