When it’s time to file for divorce: being the first is always difficult

If you are reading this article, I can assume that you are already thinking about filing for divorce and leaving. But being first is always difficult.

For many, the decision to divorce is a long journey that they go through alone. There will be bumps and unexpected twists and turns along the way. You may have already talked to your friends or a psychologist about wanting to take this difficult step first and heard a lot of advice for and against this decision.

Or you keep everything to yourself, and then there is a constant struggle inside you, and all these thoughts and doubts about the correctness of the decision attack you every day while you try to navigate your ship through stormy waters. But whatever you decide, it will be only your decision. No one has lived in your shoes and knows more about your marriage than you do.

Can this process be made easier? As a psychotherapist, I want to tell you that this is hardly possible, especially if you already have children.

The decision to leave your family can bring heartache, unrest, and chaos and destroy relationships—with some of your friends or relatives, and even with your own children.

But sometimes, after a few years, everyone understands that this decision was the right one for everyone. Before making a final decision, read and heed the seven tips and cautions.

1. Did you have depression before?

Divorce is a very important decision, and you certainly must have good reasons. But not all of them may be related to your partner. With depression sometimes comes a feeling of «numbness». At such moments, you may stop feeling anything in relation to your partner.

This means that depression «stole» your ability to love. In this state, the decision to leave the marriage may mistakenly seem obvious.

My first caveat: depression has one unpleasant property — it deprives us of the ability to think rationally and at the same time «gives» us the ability to see and feel things that may not be related to reality. Before you leave your family, discuss your thoughts about what is happening with a competent psychologist.

Here is one good hint: if you had a good marriage, but suddenly it began to seem that everything was wrong and nothing pleased you, this may be a sign of depression.

Another tip — before you file for divorce, ask yourself: «Did I do everything to save the relationship»? Because marriage is like a plant. It is enough to forget about it several times and leave it without water, and it will die.

What I mean? There may have been things that you didn’t do or that you didn’t think about in that relationship. Make sure you know enough about what strengthens and supports the family and what can destroy it so that you do not repeat these mistakes with other partners.

If you are sure that you have done everything possible, but there is no way to save the marriage, now you can say with a clear conscience: “At least I tried.”

2. Be as kind and tactful as possible

If you want to leave first and your partner and children don’t know anything about it yet, I strongly advise you to pay attention to how you talk about it.

You may have been thinking about your decision for months or even years. But your partner and your children may not be aware that such changes are brewing in their ordinary lives. The divorce announcement may sound like a bolt from the blue and hit them like a comet hitting the ground.

Show empathy and kindness. This will further facilitate your contacts with both the former partner and the children.

How can you be kind in such a situation? Well, for example, do not leave the house one day with packed bags and then send a message that you are gone for good. Relationships deserve more than just a simple «bye» no matter how long you’ve been together.

Treating people with respect is a sign that you are an adult. No matter how hard it is for you to do this, having a one-to-one conversation with the one you’re leaving is the only proper way to end a relationship. Explain what is going on, what your plans are for the future, and what led you to this decision, but never point the finger at your partner or play the game of judge and defendant.

After you have said everything, it is very likely that your partner will be at a loss and even in a state of shock. He may act irrationally, but do not argue with him or bring up his real or imagined wrongdoings. Try to be calm and reserved.

I advise you to think in advance and write down what words you will use to communicate your decision to leave, and stick to them. Later, the time will come for a more detailed conversation about how to arrange everything and how to organize.

3. Are you ready to experience guilt?

Once you’ve made the decision to divorce and let your partner know, you may feel relieved. But this is at first.

Soon after that, you will begin to experience a huge sense of guilt. This is the feeling that occurs when we feel that we have done something wrong and hurt another person. Seeing a partner next to you in tears, devoid of faith in yourself, completely confused, you will not feel very good.

You may start thinking, «I’m a terrible person for doing this.» These thoughts can be transformed into a whole range of other negative emotions and experiences. Try to take the situation from the standpoint of facts: “I feel guilty because I left my partner, but I know that this is the right way out in this situation. I hurt him, and it’s hard for me to realize it, but there is no turning back.

4. To others, you are a villain.

If you initiate a divorce and leave first, you may be accused. Even if your partner was well known for his behavior, it is you who become the destroyer of the union.

You will have to meet the reproaches and regrets of others — such is the fate of those who leave first.

I often advise my clients to think of divorce as the death of a partner—because the experience of this event goes through the same stages as the experience of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. All these emotions will be experienced by your partner and many of your close friends or relatives. Not always in the same order.

The anger stage may last longer than others. Be prepared for this.

5. You will lose some friends

It may come as a surprise, but your friends, those who have always been on your side, will begin to doubt the correctness of your choice.

If last week your close friend herself said that it was time to leave and find your happiness somewhere else. But now she will make a 180-degree turn and invite you to come back and discuss everything again with your partner.

Of course, this happens more often because your friends care about you, but sometimes it also happens because by your decision you violate their established way of life in some way.

You may find among these hostile friends and those whose marriage or partnership is less than ideal.

Oddly enough, it is the “suffering” partner in such a relationship who will accuse you of being a terrible person and not fighting to save the marriage. Such discrediting tactics may be a hidden message to their own spouse. Projection is a very powerful thing.

Some of your mutual friends may interact less and less with you. Others will remain — those about whom you will later say that they are worth their weight in gold.

6. Doubt will overcome you

You can be firm in your decision to leave, and then it will be easier for you to go through this path. But many of those who were going through a divorce and were determined to find one day that their feelings had changed.

There may be doubts that it was necessary to leave.

You may be afraid of the unknown and uncertain future. And as you look into this frightening future where you won’t be protected by the familiar realities of your previous marriage, you’ll want to seek safety and go back—even if you know you shouldn’t.

If these doubts visit you often, this does not mean that you have taken the wrong step.

Sometimes we need to take a step back, get out of a situation that is unfortunate for us and think about the future. Change your perspective — think about what was in this relationship that you would not want to repeat in the next?

If you do not do this work, you can get into the mood and go back, not because you want to, but because it will be easier and more convenient for everyone else, and so you will get rid of uncertainty and angry comments addressed to you.

If you have any doubts about whether to leave, take time to think and re-analyze your feelings and thoughts.

7. Last but most importantly, children

If you have kids, that might be the only real reason why you didn’t leave the relationship much sooner.

Many people stay in unhappy relationships for years and decades because they want to do what is best for their children. But sometimes our efforts and the desire to do everything for the good of the children cannot save the marriage.

If you leave, be honest with them and stay in constant contact, and don’t forget rule number 1 — be as kind and empathic as possible. Try to participate in all their activities as before. If you took your son to football, keep doing it. Do not try to pamper them, it will not change much in your relationship.

The hardest part of a breakup is seeing how your child feels. He will tell you that he hates you and doesn’t want to see you again. Continue to communicate with him in this case and do not run away. This is often a test to see if you can still be dealt with.

The child in his heart wants one thing: that his parents are still with him. Continue to be involved in their affairs and have the courage to listen to what your child is feeling about your divorce, even if you are deeply hurt inside.

Time will pass, and when the child feels that his world has not collapsed, but simply changed, it will be easier for him to build new relationships with you. They will never be the same, but they can still be good, and they can even get better. In weeks and months, you will see that many things will change in your life. But sometimes such a difficult choice is one of the most necessary things in life, both for us and for our family.

Moving forward can be difficult, but time changes everything around us. I hope that if you and your loved ones were unhappy in this relationship, in the future you will all find your happiness.