When it’s time for two to part

She can hardly bear his presence, but continues to live with him. He can no longer listen to her reproaches, but he does not leave her. According to the Federal State Statistics Service, two marriages account for an average of one divorce. But there is no data on those who remain in a couple, although everything is pushing them to part.

Probably, each of us can remember our acquaintances, about whom everyone around only thinks: “Well, why doesn’t he (she) leave?” Emptiness, melancholy, misunderstanding — for many years they endure a similar situation before deciding and collecting things.

The Hidden Benefit of a Relationship

As a couple, we receive support and understanding, learn to resolve conflicts and find compromises, grow and develop internally. Communicating with a partner, we better know ourselves, heal our childhood wounds and feel safe. But what keeps us if the couple no longer has dialogue and the joy of being together?

Some of us cherish the image of the family that they have managed to create. Most modern men and women perceive separation as the collapse of their life ideal, because we want to believe that marriage is “once and for life.” According to a survey conducted by Tiburon Research in 2011, 79% of those who are married and 57% of those who are divorced agree with this.

“When I had to tell my parents that my wife and I were getting a divorce, I couldn’t bring myself to look my father in the eyes,” says 29-year-old Sergei. I knew he would blame me. From his point of view, a man is not worthy to be called a man if he could not save his family.

“The longer a couple remains together, the more difficult it is to break the “family wrapper,” says family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. — Keeps a common memory and the feeling that when parting, part of life will be crossed out, devalued. Often, fear of the future is added to this. But sometimes it is the painful experiences of partners that turn out to be the cement that holds the relationship together.

“Life is suffering”, “A woman must endure everything, if only the children have a father”, “Better a bad family than none” — the family therapist gives examples of beliefs that do not allow breaking the connection, even when it has become onerous. “Partners remain in the union if this union supports their idea of ​​themselves and the world,” Inna Khamitova sums up. “For example, if we live with the image of ourselves as a victim, we are more likely to stay in a couple where we play this role.”

Fear of the void

45-year-old Tatyana recalls how for almost 8 years she did not dare to part with her husband. “He was sarcastic: look at yourself, who needs you like that? And I believed it … ”Tatyana recalls. Some of us can hardly bear not only loneliness, but even the thought of it. They are afraid to be face to face with a deep, unsettling emptiness.

“The most difficult thing to deal with it is for those who did not receive enough love in childhood or were abandoned by one of their parents,” says psychologist Maryse Vaillant. — Left alone, they feel unloved, which means they are bad and relive their past suffering. They are ready to endure a lot — boredom, aggression, contempt — just to avoid it.

The natural result is a decrease in self-esteem. But the lower the self-esteem, the less self-confidence and the more difficult it is to leave. If such a dysfunctional partnership lasts for a long time, self-esteem drops. All this is reflected in sexual relations: they either do not bring pleasure, or are completely absent.

“Such couples often consist of a woman who is afraid of her desire and a man who is afraid of her desire,” continues Maryse Vaillant. “After all, it takes two to agree to do without sex. Two — to agree to be unhappy together … «

Partners develop a habit of suppressing their feelings and not allowing themselves to reflect on what is really happening to them. So it was with 54-year-old Ivan, who left home after 20 years of marriage.

“For the last ten years, I have always been busy with something, I tried not to think,” says Ivan. We met friends, helped children, worked like crazy — and all these ten years were unhappy, I don’t know why. I didn’t even want to ask myself that question, because he would drag a whole chain of others along with him. But my friends were worried, seeing that I was depressed, that I was moping and irritated. I did not listen to them until one of them asked directly what was stopping me from leaving. I didn’t find an answer for him. And left».

Rupture as an accusation

There are many couples in which each blames the other, not realizing that the cause of the confusion of feelings is in himself. The partner becomes a scapegoat, an object of aggression. Love is intertwined with hatred, and the couple closes in their microcosm, not even trying to find a way out.

“Two people are fighting for family happiness, but do not realize that each of them has their own idea of ​​what this happiness should be,” Inna Khamitova describes a typical situation. — It seems that the other purposely interferes and spoils everything. Mutual accusations begin, and in this struggle, what else could have been destroyed is destroyed. The gap becomes another way to shout to the other: «It’s all your fault!» In this case, divorce does not solve problems, but creates new ones.

“Parting always hurts,” emphasizes Gestalt therapist Daniil Khlomov. — We know this and therefore sometimes use it as the last argument in a dispute — in a fit of feelings or from a desire to punish another for the suffering that, as we believe, it was he who caused us. But no matter how we hurt another, it will not heal our own wounds.

Maybe it would be more helpful for us to pause and ask ourselves, “What if something is wrong with me?” Some couples experience a whole series of breakups, which are accompanied by violent emotions every time. “Each of these partners has such a high threshold of sensitivity that they are simply unable to perceive sadness or joy — only suffering or delight,” notes Inna Khamitova. — To feel alive, they need not just events, but blows of fate. They need strong emotions, otherwise life seems unreal.”

Open eyes

37-year-old Natalya was convinced that she had no right to leave an unemployed friend with whom they had lived for five years, because without her he would be lost. “When the attacks of his bad mood became unbearable, I ran away,” recalls Natalya. “And then she came back again to help him get the recognition he deserved but couldn’t get.

“You live as if with your eyes closed,” my closest friend once told me sadly. And at that moment everything turned upside down: I suddenly saw that my feelings, thoughts, plans, desires have no meaning even for myself — only what happens to him seems important. This really scared me! Only then did I leave in earnest.”

Often a gap is gradually prepared for months, sometimes even years, until some event, meeting, phrase, or look from an outsider, like a flash, makes us see the situation in a new way. And what seemed impossible becomes clear: it’s time to leave.

“Why am I staying if I have not been happy for a long time?” — this is the question that you first need to ask yourself, — Inna Khamitova is sure. — To ask him means to go part of the way. And the next step can be taken with the help of a psychotherapist: it is very difficult to single-handedly recognize the unconscious reasons that made us forget about ourselves for many years.

Start over

“Staying in a couple is no longer a matter of life and death,” emphasizes Daniil Khlomov. “For centuries, leaving a family, a woman was doomed to dishonor, and a man left his wife and children without a breadwinner. Nowadays, the choice between saving and dissolving a marriage is not so dramatic.

Women, like men, are economically independent today. And the types of unions have become much more diverse. Some practice an open marriage or something resembling a business partnership or friendship. Partnership unions can include more than two participants: if this suits everyone, then why not? The challenge is to find the type of relationship that’s right for us.»

No one is obligated to stay in a relationship that is not fulfilling. But one must be able to accurately choose the moment of separation, so as not to hate each other.

“To someone who does not dare to break off relations, although he is aware that they have not satisfied him for a long time, I advise you not to delay too much so as not to be poisoned by the poison of malice,” says Maryse Vaillant. “Some devalue everything that they have experienced together, hoping in this way to save themselves from suffering and regrets. But such a strategy makes it difficult to objectively analyze the reasons for the gap and learn lessons.

If someone thinks that with the help of a breakup he will be able to “cleanse” the past, cease to be who he was before, and start everything from a new leaf, then this is a very romantic view, and it is far from reality. “Parting does not mean that all our common past will disappear,” continues Daniil Khlomov. “I know the habits of this person, I know how to talk to him, and this knowledge will not go anywhere, it will always be with me.”

In the ideal case, parting means increasing the distance between partners, and not a painful break. Even if love and the desire to stay together pass, you can maintain respect for yourself and your ex-partner. After all, something united us once, for some reason we needed each other and lived together part of our lives.

Sometimes a couple can bring surprises. “Anton and I got married right after graduation and divorced when the children grew up,” recalls 58-year-old Marina. — We were each busy with our own lives, we worked, we had novels. And then we met to talk … and suddenly found that we again want to be together. Our grandchildren were also at our second wedding!”

“Each family is a project, a union of two to achieve certain goals,” concludes Daniil Khlomov, a Gestalt therapist. “When those goals are reached, the project ends.” Life in a couple comes to an end when the tacit contract that underlay it is no longer valid. But nothing prevents us from agreeing on the terms of a new union.