Some rules and arrangements in a relationship are necessary: they create a sense of predictability and stability. But sometimes one of the partners seeks to completely control the life of the other. What lies behind the desire to dominate and assert their power?
Our intention to control what happens in life is understandable and evolutionarily justified: this is how we provide ourselves with security, we feel like active participants in the situation. We ourselves build love relationships, we are included in the process and are ready to take responsibility for our actions.
But when this desire develops into an obsessive need, we begin to feel unable to let go of the situation and trust our partner. Why is this happening?
Triggers of past experience
“An excessive need to control a partner is always associated with a loss of trust,” explains Olga Sakovskaya, a Gestalt therapist. “We can lose confidence in a partner for two reasons: in connection with current problems within the couple or as a result of traumatic experiences in the past.”
What can happen in the first case? For example, a couple experienced betrayal, betrayal, one partner seriously let the other down … That is, we are talking about echoes of a real situation that was not spoken out in a couple, not lived to the end. Relations, despite the difficulties and mistakes, persist, but fear and distrust settle in the family.
Feeling that the painful situation may repeat itself, one of the partners tightens control over what is happening — in order to at least somehow protect themselves in the future. It can be difficult to restore trust in such circumstances, but it is more realistic to do it than in the second case — when problems in the current relationship “glow” with past experiences (including early childhood) of rejection, neglect of a partner or one of the parents with whom the unhealthy was formed, insecure attachment.
“A person who has experienced trauma and lost basic trust freezes at this point,” says Olga Sakovskaya. And then he looks at the world through the eyes of a wounded child. Having learned once betrayal, he automatically does not trust anyone, even the most reliable person. And feels unstable in any relationship.
The slightest act of a partner (returning from work an hour later than promised) becomes a trigger that returns him to the past, is perceived as a threat to the relationship. The earlier the injury was, the more multiple it is, the more difficult it is to recognize and heal. This may require the assistance of a specialist.
11 Signs of Overcontrol
Control is not always violence, threats and ultimatums (although they are too). From control also comes the desire to clarify the situation as soon as possible, to make it understandable and predictable by any means known to man. Here are some signs of controlling behavior.
1. You always decide how and with whom your partner should spend time. Maybe you don’t like the fact that he talks to his brother on the phone too often. Or you do not like her best friend, and you advise to cut off communication with her. Or your family always spends their free time the way you want. The ultimate goal — conscious or not — is to isolate the partner from the outside world and deprive him of support groups, relying on anyone but you.
2. You constantly criticize him — even on trifles. Sometimes these remarks look completely unobtrusive: “I don’t really like this blouse or haircut of yours, but, in principle, this is not so important, don’t take it personally.” You can convince yourself that the criticism is justified, that you are just trying to help the other person become a better person. But if remarks are a constant element in a relationship, it is very difficult to feel truly accepted and loved.
3. All the time waiting for confirmation of your own importance. You feel very anxious if your partner has not asked in the messenger in the last couple of hours: “Darling, how are you?” or did not have time to write: “Kitty, I miss you.” You are ready to make a scandal or you can pout for several days if he did not meet you after another business trip at the airport with a bouquet of your favorite white chrysanthemums.
4. You keep your partner feeling insecure. You do not hide doubts about his ability to achieve important goals — in the profession, sports, in the fight against excess weight or a bad habit. You say with regret or irony that your partner is not talented, smart or hardworking enough for this.
In addition, you are not shy about definitions, calling him a person too gloomy and depressing, and predict that he will never be happy. Directly say that the partner is too cold or, conversely, behaves too sexually — «just look, he will fall to the left.» The subtext reads: “You are very lucky that I endure all your shortcomings”, “appreciate that I chose you, who else could live with this.”
5. Threaten explicitly or implicitly. It’s not just about threats of physical violence. Threatening to take away something important, such as a home, access to children, or financial support in the event of a breakup, or even harm yourself, is no less dangerous. No matter how determined you are to make it happen, this is another way to get what you want at the expense of your partner.
6. You seek to control the smallest aspects of his life. He should follow the diet that you have chosen for him, dress in a certain way, go to bed at a convenient time for you, and fold the towels on the shelf in a special order. If one of the rules is violated, an explosion of anger or conflict is inevitable.
7. Stir up his guilt. When you reproach your partner for “again, three dirty cups have been on the table for a week,” “the cornice has been broken for two months,” and “good mothers don’t work that much,” you become a little calmer in life. After all, he, feeling guilty, will try to do everything possible to make amends for his «sins», will be more accommodating and pliable.
8. Cultivate a sense of duty in your partner. You invest a lot in relationships: give valuable, thoughtful gifts, work out complex travel routes, pay off his loans, give your partner your expensive car for permanent use … This is wonderful, if only behind all this generosity is the expectation of a “debt repayment” hidden. It is important for you to feel that your partner is obliged to you for the grave of life, and you periodically, as if by chance, let him know this.
9. You demand total openness. You think that you have the right to know everything about your partner’s personal life. And therefore you can check his phone, go to e-mail or track the history of his searches on the Internet. The justification for these actions is very simple: if he does not do anything wrong, then what should he hide?
10. You are too jealous of him. In every personal contact your partner has with someone else, you see flirting, potential betrayal, and a threat to your relationship. You unsuccessfully try to reduce severe anxiety with prohibitions, restrictions and threats. You need to know at any given time where your partner is, with whom and what they are doing.
11. You are not very interested in his point of view. Indeed, why do you need to know what he thinks or feels on this or that occasion? After all, a different opinion will bring chaos to your clear system of rules and violate a clear picture of the world. If your partner doesn’t agree with something, it means that you didn’t convince him well enough.
You should not see in all these actions only a conscious manipulation of a person who intends to completely subjugate a partner and deprive him of his will.
“Control is not always abuse, it is rather an emotional difficulty in a relationship when a wounded person tries to heal at the expense of other people,” Olga Sakovskaya clarifies. “And he doesn’t even choose the way to act: he uses those methods of control that he once learned. He acts this way because he doesn’t know how to do otherwise.
What can be done in this situation? First of all, follow your reactions and notice which words, actions especially hurt you (offend, anger) in the same similar circumstances.
“For someone who has learned some of his own ways of interacting, this is an occasion to ask himself: what lies at the basis of the constant need to control? — explains Olga Sakovskaya — What do I really want? Intimacy, recognition, love? Understanding that these relationships are stable? Validation of one’s own worth? Think what is the reason? Are you projecting your own self-doubt and fear of abandonment onto your partner?
Or are you trying in this way to make your life in the family safe, stable and predictable? Or you are really scared, but you don’t see the resources to change the situation yet. The found answer will be the reason for a separate work, independent or joint with a psychologist.