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“She lets me watch TV late and cooks everything I love!” Caring, active grandparents sometimes cause jealousy of their own children. How to come to terms with this kind of rivalry within the family and is it possible to become allies?
“Children come back from my parents, and every time the same thing happens,” complains 33-year-old Tatyana. — We are glad to see each other, but after about ten minutes it starts: “But grandma didn’t make us wash the dishes!” No matter how much I asked my mother to be stricter, she does not change. Tatyana’s mother, 58-year-old Olga, explains: “The daughter and son-in-law are too strict with the boys, they constantly demand something from them. And our children sleep and eat … My husband and I enjoy communicating with them.
Free time, a measured life, and sometimes good financial opportunities — how much more pleasant it is to be a grandmother or grandfather! “Many of them easily occupy the main place in the heart of a child,” explains sociologist Irina Palilova, “and, as a rule, they do not need to win and assert their authority. The child simply adores them and becomes attached to them, because he is accepted as he is, and it is easy and free for him to be with them. This is not always the case for parents, because it is they who are entrusted with the thankless role of an educator.
Often the father and mother feel trapped, realizing that they cannot do without the help of relatives. Their own parents (grandparents) do them a favor — they stay at home with their children, take them to school, to extracurricular activities and, naturally, want to communicate with their grandchildren according to their own rules. “My parents buy their son what I can’t buy him, they just give him a gift, and they look down on me: they say, you first earn money, and then insist on your own!” — 26-year-old Igor is indignant.
Some parents, helping their adult children, voluntarily or involuntarily try to control their family life.
To change the situation, adults need to realize the very fact that rivalry in their relationship is inevitable — which means jealousy, resentment, and mutual irritation. Taking this as a given, you can make the necessary adjustments to the situation and find a compromise.
Designate Roles
«Younger» parents should take the first step and clarify the distribution of family roles. “It is they who must insist on the observance of the rules of the game by the older generation,” says psychotherapist Daria Krymova. — You can say: «We really need you, but we determine the rules.»
It’s great if in previous generations relations were built clearly, a dialogue was established, then the situation will be easily resolved by discussing controversial issues, and the family will unite even more. Otherwise, the tension can escalate into a protracted conflict.”
Some parents, helping their adult children, voluntarily or involuntarily try to control their family life. “Mom is interested in absolutely everything: both what is in the refrigerator and our pastime,” says 33-year-old Nadezhda. “She accuses me of coming home from work too late, reproaches me that I rarely read to my son in the evenings … I need her help, but how she annoys me!”
“My mother and stepfather unceremoniously interfere in everything that concerns our daughter, they think that my husband and I are doing everything wrong,” complains 36-year-old Galina. “They act like I haven’t grown up yet and I don’t have the right to raise my own child!”
Being a good grandmother means giving up the feeling of maternal omnipotence and rivalry with her daughter.
Sometimes grandchildren become the only light in the window for grandparents, as in the case of 57-year-old Marina: “I just get sick when Lelechka is not brought for the weekend, because I only live when my granddaughter is next to me!”
“Children are not someone’s property,” recalls Daria Krymova, “it is important to build communication in the family, not indulging either the dependence of grandparents on grandchildren, or one’s own jealousy.”
“The painful need to see grandchildren is also dangerous because it makes the older generation insensitive to the experiences of their own children,” adds psychologist Olga Perevozchikova. “At the same time, the desire to see each other, to communicate is natural and, of course, should be.”
Fortunately, many grandmothers know how to step back in time. They maintain a respectful distance from their young parents and try to treat them with understanding, as 62-year-old Elizabeth, the mother of two children and the grandmother of three grandchildren, does: “Of course, we have competition for grandchildren, but I try to smooth out sharp corners, I do not lose my sense of humor and do not forget to say pleasant things to my relatives.
Being a good grandmother means, in essence, to give up the feeling of maternal omnipotence, that is, to reduce the rivalry with your daughter and help her forget that you need to surpass your mother.
Concentrate on the essentials
When the roles are clearly defined, it becomes clear that the task of parents is much more difficult than that of the older generation. Every day you have to say “no” many times, repeat the same thing, call for order and even impose sanctions — but this is one of the most important aspects of communicating with children.
Children themselves admit this: “Only parents really scold us,” says 11-year-old Tasya. “Not viciously or for no reason, but they nag us until they get their way. My brother and I understand that this is their job.”
But the performance of such a “work” is associated with many unpleasant episodes and conflicts, sometimes parents simply give up and feel sorry for themselves.
“It is at such moments that the support of the older generation is needed,” says Daria Krymova. “Grandparents can help their children overcome conflict, and even just fatigue, by supporting them and not judging them.
To be an observer, to be able to rejoice at the success of all family members, not to interfere in the family space of adult children, to support them and their grandchildren at the moment when they need it, is the most successful behavior strategy for the older generation.”
Tell children that people are different
“Grandfather does not forbid rummaging on his shelves and in the drawers of the table, and grandmother calmly lets go for a walk until nine in the evening!” The options are endless: you can play here at least all day long, and there is always free pocket money, and you are allowed to read while lying in bed …
“When there are disagreements between grandmothers and parents,” Daria Krymova explains, “children always feel it and often, especially in adolescence, take advantage of the situation, manipulating and aggravating the“ kitchen ”war:“ And grandmother has tastier cutlets, and she always allows ketchup !»
Parents need to prioritize. For example, they might respond to such an attack like this: “It’s great that you enjoy spending time with your grandparents. We know they have different rules in their house, but here in our house we make the decisions.” Children should understand that there are universal rules of behavior, but there are situational ones: different families have their own traditions and habits.”
complement each other
But what if the older and middle generations stop comparing and opposing themselves to each other, and instead choose the principle of complementarity?
“My father is great at music,” says 40-year-old Mikhail. — I asked him to tell his grandchildren about how the orchestra works, to teach them to distinguish the sound of different instruments, and he joined this “task” with pleasure.
Cooperation always fills relationships with the joy of a common cause, helps to put aside everything insignificant.
In such a situation, two generations of adults and children have a new, genuine interest in each other’s inner world, in interests, hobbies, views and life values. From relatives who have lived a long life, children learn that not only the world is changing, but also our relationships with others and we ourselves are becoming older, more experienced, wiser, more forgiving.
“I work with Mitya in the same way as I once did with my own son, I didn’t come up with anything new,” says 59-year-old Serafima. “It’s just that now I’m better at it — and I have more time, more experience, and more patience. I explain this to Mitka when he grumbles at his parents.
Grandparents are excellent interlocutors, helpers and confidants of their grandchildren, but they are also the keepers of family history. The older generation introduces the younger to the system of values that is not taught in school, introduces such concepts as “kindred feelings”, “attachment to one’s home” …
Photos, stories about how dad and mom were little, family legends — they are simply irreplaceable in this, even if at the moment no one attaches much importance to such conversations.
think about the future
The grandfather showed his little grandson how to sculpt soldiers from plasticine, and the grandmother taught her granddaughter how to bake «charlotte». Do not be upset that this happened thanks to your parents, and not you.
“The interaction between adults involved in raising a child should be based on cooperation, which implies the absence of competition and the desire to understand what is best for the child,” says Daria Krymova. “One teaches you to do something with your own hands, the other teaches you to read, the third teaches you to understand cars, and the fourth teaches you just to love life.”
Communication with friendly, loving adults is necessary for the mental development of the child. The more around him those whom he trusts, the more open and inquisitive he grows and, in general, he has a higher chance of being more prepared for adulthood. It’s good when children spend time with their grandparents.
In a family history where everything happens — both partings and reunions — grandparents, even if they do not live with their grandchildren or are divorced, can (if desired) play a unifying role, remaining the support of the family.
“Wise with experience and free from the oppression of the educational role of parents, they are sometimes more tolerant of their grandchildren, accepting and loving them wholeheartedly,” concludes Olga Perevozchikova.
According to the figurative expression of grandmother Antonina, 57 years old: “I sow this“ arable land ”the same way I did it when I raised my own children. The only difference is that the harvest does not necessarily ripen in my presence and, perhaps, not before my eyes … «
“When parents and grandmothers blow the same tune, this is also not always good”
If we are more attentive to communication between generations, we will be able to build a new model of relationships in the family, psychologist Ekaterina Mikhailova believes. Viable and enriching for the child.
Psychologies: Has the role of grandparents changed in the lives of children and grandchildren?
Ekaterina Mikhailova: Certainly. Until recently, grandparents were vital for their children for a number of reasons, including the housing problem and total employment. The current older generation does not fulfill the role of «rescuers» that was assigned to them 20 years ago. And not all modern grandmothers are ready to take on this work — communication and raising grandchildren, they have other interests, they want to draw, travel, drive a car …
Instead of the idyllic “On the weekend, as always, I’ll take the children to the dacha to my mother,” you can often hear the question: “Does mom help?” We are offended: they must enter into our position! But it should be remembered that for the past generation, raising children was not so much a joy as hard work. Perhaps that is why not all old people are now striving to spend more time with their grandchildren.
When children grow up, can the older generation become an intermediary between the child and the parents?
Grandparents can turn out to be safe, contact people for a teenager, whom you want to go to when you don’t want to go to your parents at all. This is wonderful, but on one condition: if grandparents regard this not as a victory over their children (“I told you (a)!”), But as an opportunity to support the child when he is lonely and anxious, to advise, explain something …
How to develop a common approach to education?
When representatives of the middle and older generations in the family blow the same tune, this is also not always good, because the child will not get the feeling that in different houses people live, eat, think, talk and listen in different ways.
We have forgotten how to live in a large family. At first glance, the self-sufficient world of the nuclear family (it consists of parents (parent) and children) is a new value in modern life. But when there are many close people around the child, this makes his psychological world more diverse.