We struggle with the infidelity of a loved one. But despite this, many of us want to keep the relationship. When can we say that treason is over? Where does the couple’s road to the future begin?
No matter what advice friends give us, no matter what recommendations we find in books, everyone still reacts to the discovery of infidelity in their own way.
“I learned about my husband’s betrayal from his mistress, she herself wrote me an email with reproaches that I was preventing him from developing and not letting him find his happiness,” recalls 43-year-old Ksenia. – I did not answer, I did not want to enter into correspondence. But I asked my husband on occasion how he sees our life in five years. From his answer, I understood that he had no plans to leave. I decided that I would endure, and in the end their romance fizzled out.
But 28-year-old Ivan acted differently, he himself provoked an explanation: “My wife became interested in tabletop role-playing games, began to leave more and more often, come more and more late, in the end I could not stand it and directly asked if she had someone. And she confessed. My first impulse was to quit everything at once. But our daughter was only three, and I realized that I could not leave. We did not speak for several days, then vice versa, shouting and blaming each other. And now we are trying to figure out how to live on, because she said that she also did not want me to leave.
Discovering that someone else has someone is not painless. “But everyone has their own experience, traumas and habitual ways of coping with them: some withdraw into themselves, others blame their partner,” notes Natalya Ukhova, a systemic family therapist. – Only after the first shock passes, we get the opportunity to think about everything and take into account that this act of a partner does not have the main goal of causing us suffering. This is a consequence of the difficulties that existed in the couple even before the betrayal happened.
who will decide
In some cases, the connection on the side is carefully hidden, in others, its signs seem to be deliberately put on display: the partner leaves the phone on the table, open mail on the computer. “This can be interpreted as an unconscious provocation. When a couple needs a way out of stagnation, they need an impulse, which can be infidelity, ”says Natalya Ukhova.
The development of events can be different: the couple breaks up or tries to renew the relationship by rebuilding them. But even having decided to keep the main pair, the wrong partner is not always ready to immediately cut off communication with the third. And then the injured partner finds himself in a situation of invisible competition, not knowing who will be chosen. He wants to end this state.
“But if the decision to stay is made under pressure, it can be sabotaged in the future,” the family therapist warns. “Therefore, it’s best to shift the focus from the decision to end the affair to solving the couple’s problems, if possible.”
It is difficult for the injured partner to imagine that the other is also suffering, moreover, he needs space to make a responsible decision about maintaining the relationship.
Clarity or control?
The difficult period after the betrayal helps to understand that control is not unlimited and that wanting a partner and having him are not the same thing. “It was painful for me to wait for Nikolai to decide whether we would continue our life together,” says 37-year-old Valentina. – I did not want to insist, but I understood that I simply could not live like this for a long time.
Therefore, I set boundaries for myself: if in three months his romance on the side continues, I file for divorce. I told him only that I was ready to wait three months. A month later, he said that the affair was over. Boundaries give the situation the clarity that the injured partner needs and help both calculate strength.
The feeling that control over life is lost haunts many victims of infidelity. Most often, betrayal happens in our absence, and subsequently this creates tension: “When I don’t see a partner, when we are not in contact, anything can happen!” We want to restore a sense of security, but not all means are suitable for this.
The paradox of the victim: often he wants to know as much as possible about the betrayal, despite the fact that this information hurts. “It’s like scratching a sore: it brings brief satisfaction, but it interferes with healing,” offers a comparison family therapist. – When we delve into the details of betrayal, there is an imaginary feeling of control: I will find out how it was, and it will become easier. But this feeling is deceptive.
Honesty builds trust and strengthens relationships. But the details, especially of a sexual nature, do not allow the third to disappear from the life of the couple, again returning his shadow to the relationship of the two. Wouldn’t it be better to let it melt, facing each other?
Speak the same language
Pretending that nothing happened is not going to work. Cheating is a sign that a couple cannot live as before, and if you just forget about it and do not change anything, it is likely that it will happen again, and the problem will get worse.
“In order for two to exist as a couple, both partners need to recognize problems, discuss them openly and make new decisions,” emphasizes Andrey Ralko, a gestalt therapist. – The fact of betrayal will remain a fact, but how it will affect later life is determined by the importance that partners attach to it.
As long as these meanings are different, say, for one it is a sneaky blow, and for another clouding of reason, the relationship will not improve, even if the partners remain together. If the partners manage to come to a common meaning for the fact of infidelity, for example, to designate it as an unacceptable way to solve internal problems, the chances of restoring good relations will increase.
The consequences of cheating pass when both partners agree on what semantic “box” to put the fact of cheating in, and also take actions to avoid this in the future.
“I don’t know yet if we can be together, but we are trying,” says 38-year-old Maria, who survived the partner’s infidelity, “we agreed that we would notice signs of misunderstanding when they appear and immediately talk about it out loud. It’s not easy for us, but we have set a time to discuss the relationship and try not to miss it.”
Just as we cannot say exactly when the betrayal began (we can only investigate its causes), we cannot say exactly where it ends: after the betrayal, there is an ongoing process of rebuilding the relationship. Perhaps the betrayal ends when the two turn to each other and are ready to enter into a dialogue. And start the relationship anew – taking into account experience, mistakes made and with new goals.