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How to maintain parental consent for those who have already ceased to be a married couple? Is it realistic to maintain a common system of rules and continue to be partners in raising a child?
Nina, 45, an institute teacher and mother of two daughters, aged 17 and 15, sadly states that she and her children had to endure the conflict of authority that so often arises after a divorce. “When we were married, of course, we had disputes, but we agreed on basic educational issues. Once we got divorced, absolutely everything turned into a source of conflict.” “The real reason in this situation may not be issues of upbringing,” notes children’s analyst Natalia Bogdanova. – Behind the conflict of authorities are often the problems of the couple, which are now expressed only through the influence on children. Children – their learning difficulties, disobedience or illness – are the last thing that binds the former spouses, the only means to maintain contact.
Hot potato
Many people find themselves in situations like Nina’s. “After a divorce, especially a conflict one, confrontation often begins between parents,” confirms Natalia Bogdanova. “Everyone is afraid that the second one will take over the child.” This rivalry affects him regardless of his age: “The young child does not yet have enough psychic autonomy, so he is involuntarily drawn into this conflict,” continues the child analyst. “The parents toss him to each other like a hot potato, which, of course, has a devastating effect on him.” Caught between two fires, children do not know, and cannot know where the “truth” is. After all, in order to build themselves, they need both parents – these are two guidelines, two main points of reference. And if each of them questions the words and decisions of the other, chaos ensues. The child simply does not know where he belongs, moreover, the confrontation of the parents pushes him to self-denial, since he is descended from these two people. In the most severe cases, the child may completely refuse to obey one of them. “Parents should be aware that those who question the authority of another undermine their own,” explains family psychologist Alexander Shadura. “The child is not able to abandon one of the parents – and as a result, he may abandon both and be left without support at all, without an internal compass.”
Loyalty conflict
Typical manifestations of this internal conflict are disobedience, scandals and rudeness, running away from home, problems with studies … In general, all ways of rebellion against parental requirements. In adolescence, events can take a more dramatic turn. 17-year-old Liza does not perceive parental words at all: “Mom constantly says nasty things about her father. He is silent, but I know what he thinks of her. My head explodes from both of them – they behave worse than the little ones! The girl indulges in all serious, skips classes …
An important feature of the feelings caused by separation is that the absent parent acquires an exaggerated significance in the head of a child (and even more so a teenager): his “ghost” occupies the entire internal space. This spiritual conflict (mother is nearby, and there is even too much of her, and dad is far away and seems unusually attractive) causes not only aggression and resistance, but also a feeling of guilt: is it possible to experience hostile feelings towards one’s own parents? Some children direct this aggression at themselves: inflict physical pain on themselves, take risks (drugs, alcohol, dangerous relationships …). “Another way to suppress aggression is to go into depression,” notes Natalia Bogdanova. – This is especially typical for teenagers – so they seem to protect their parents from their anger. Another unconscious choice of children is manipulative strategies. After all, you can benefit from the conflict between parents – permission to do something or not to do something, gifts or money. Some fathers and mothers themselves provoke this behavior when they try to please the child with gifts and toys, not knowing how to show their love in other ways. At the same time, children paradoxically strive to maintain contact between their parents even in a situation of conflict, Alexander Shadura adds: “Children, and at any age, often make sure that parents cannot solve the problem separately. Therefore, father and mother have to talk to each other, even if this conversation turns into a new quarrel.
About it
Independent Moms by Madeleine Denis (Clever, 2012).
A new book in the Make Our Children Happy series is about how to arrange life with a child in an incomplete family in order to enjoy it
Sunday dad or responsible father?
More often (at least in Russian realities), children after a divorce remain with their mother. Children see their father on weekends and holidays, and as a result, the time spent with him turns into a “holiday of disobedience”, where there is no place for everyday worries, strictness and observance of rules. And the mother has to take on the classic paternal functions.
“Of course, communication between father and child after a divorce is very limited,” comments the Austrian psychoanalyst Helmut Figdor. – But something can still be done here: the father can ask the mother on the phone about what the child is doing and what is interested in. You can also arrange short meetings between regular visits: have the father meet the child at school and take him home, or they go to the movies together. It would be nice if the visits were not only on weekends, so that the father would take care of the child’s school affairs, so that he could also forbid something to him – for example, watching TV for too long. It rarely happens that the father has to go with the child (maybe at the request of the mother) to buy something urgently, go to the dentist with him or talk to the teacher. In my experience, those fathers who initially protested against such “duties” – and not only because they take up time, but most importantly, because it is difficult to give up the role of a father with whom the child does not have to do anything unpleasant – then rejoiced at this new role of responsible parent”*.
* From the book of Helmut Figdor “The Troubles of Divorce and Ways to Overcome Them” (Moscow Psychological and Social Institute, 2006).
Many adults are afraid that they will lose the love of their children if they do not satisfy all their desires, show strictness or exactingness. This problem is not uncommon in complete families, but divorced parents have a particularly strong fear that their children will not want to see them anymore, they will prefer to live with the “other”, and therefore they choose seduction tactics. They try to caress the child so that he obeys them, or generally refuse any requirements. How, then, can the other parent gain obedience and respect for himself? By setting the rules, demanding their implementation and punishing if the rules are not followed, he inevitably loses… No! Nina complains. – My ex-husband does not hear me: “They are already with you all week, you bring them up as you see fit, so leave us alone at least on the weekend!” Nina fails to come to an agreement with her husband, but in the meantime, this situation can be changed (see box on this page).
Everyone has their own rules
It is clear that one should never criticize the other parent in the presence of a child. But besides this, both need to be ready to agree on key issues (where the child will live, study, be treated, rest …) and comply with the law “everyone rules at home.” “Both parents must conclude a kind of agreement with the child: here, in this house, such rules are observed, but your father (mother) may have others,” advises Natalia Bogdanova. “It’s better to calmly and firmly establish your household routine, while understanding that what happens with the other parent, we not only cannot control, but we should not.”
“Children will not suffer from passing from one parent to another, provided that the rules are clear,” explains Alexander Shadura. “At first, I was annoyed that my son, having been with his father in his favorite garage, returns home in a dirty T-shirt,” admits 36-year-old Kira. “Then I learned to ignore it. To be honest, when Alyosha went on vacation to my parents, I was no less annoyed because of the little things, but I didn’t say anything. Alexander Shadura sees clear advantages in this approach: “The fact that a child experiences various influences turns out to be an extraordinary advantage for him, a space of freedom that can only expand his horizons.” After all, this is exactly what we want for our children.
“I’m not trying to replace my father”
Irina, 34, HR manager, mother of Ekaterina, 15, and Pavel, 7
“I wouldn’t call myself a strict mom. But I have a strong character. I think this is important. On the one hand, I do not have the opportunity to tell the children: “Now the father will come and deal with you!” On the other hand, I do not seek to relieve myself of responsibility. If it’s hard for me, I always tell them frankly about it. And I think they are able to hear me, understand and support me. My way of parenting is to talk to children. There was a conflict – and together we are trying to understand why. Of course, sometimes I have to raise my voice and even scold children in some situations. Despite the fact that most of all I would like to be a “sweet mother” for them – affectionate, caring, gentle … But you have to be a mother, a father, and a friend at the same time. Although I understand: no matter how hard I try to replace the father’s children, I still won’t be able to do this. This is especially noticeable in the daughter. I see how she reaches out to my dad – her grandfather. And sometimes it seems to me that the son grows up as a tender, vulnerable boy only because he lacks a “man’s hand”. But the only thing I can do for him is to draw his attention to the behavior of those men who surround us. True, I now have difficulties mainly with my daughter. She is fifteen, and she considers herself completely adult … I try to talk to her, but sometimes it seems to me that she does not hear me at all. And then I realize that I am powerless. I don’t like that feeling so much…
Recorded by Julia Varshavskaya