The ecstasy and sweetness of night hugs directly depend on what relationships bind us in everyday life — sexologists and psychotherapists are absolutely unanimous in this. What traps await lovers and how to avoid them?
Struggle for power
Two years ago, 38-year-old Valeria suddenly discovered that she did not feel anything for her husband, except for everyday, “family” feelings. Trying to understand why desire quietly left the relationship, she turned to a psychotherapist. Working with him, she seemed to see from the outside how the life of their couple works: she and her husband are in no way inferior to each other, both are constantly ready for attack and defense. Where does the attraction come from?
“Sexual relationships are a reflection of emotional relationships, and they involve trust in each other,” explains Gestalt therapist Nifont Dolgopolov. — And the mutual desire to dominate, to impose their opinions and rules of conduct, disrespect for the views and habits of the partner lead to the fact that both begin to annoy each other.
In this case, there is simply no place and energy for the manifestation of sexuality. In order to regain harmony in sex, one must realize a very clear thing: we will never find a partner who will gladly completely obey our norms and rules. A living, real person will always have tastes, habits, and character that differ from ours.
Unspoken anger, anger, especially contempt suppress sexual energy, kill desire
To get out of a situation like this, try to hear your partner: try not to interrupt him or comment on what was said for five minutes. Then ten minutes, a quarter of an hour. If the tone of the conversation rises and you begin to feel irritated, stop talking until calm is restored. Purpose: to learn to listen, to restore trust and respect in everyday communication.
Latent resentment
«He’ll pay me for this!» — in a situation where a person cannot afford to express his anger or resentment to a partner, such a thought often remains in the soul. And even if negative emotions were not expressed directly, they manifest themselves in omissions, in conscious or unconscious «punishments» of the guilty.
“Suppressed negative experiences are one of the most powerful toxins that poison our sexuality,” says French Gestalt therapist Brigitte Martel. — Unspoken anger, anger, and even more contempt suppress sexual energy, kill desire and often push for actions that become a punishment for another: “You don’t know how to please me!” Or to himself: «I can never relax with you.»
I had a 41-year-old patient who for five years experienced her husband’s infidelity, believing, however, that she forgave him everything. But during these years she unconsciously forbade herself to experience pleasure with this man and thus demonstrated her alienation from him. She did not realize that she had set in motion a mechanism of punishment and self-punishment.”
To get out of this situation, try doing a simple exercise together. Everyone will need a piece of paper and a pen. Divide the page into three columns and fill them in: what worries me about what you do (or don’t do); what I love and want you to keep doing; what I want you to do or no longer do. Then exchange pages and discuss what you have written. Purpose: to voice your expectations, needs and feelings.
Fundamental differences
One is a lark, the other is an owl. One is rational, the other emotional and very sensitive. How can you exist together when everyone lives on their own planet and in their own rhythm?
“Many have the illusion that once you find a soul mate, and we will always live on the same wavelength,” says Brigitte Martel. But there are differences in any couples. Minor differences increase sexual attraction, surprising, giving rise to fantasies, and, conversely, significant discrepancies become an obstacle in sexual relations.
By clinging to our habits, to what we consider to be our own unique traits, we cut ourselves off from change. A less sensual partner quickly gets bored with long caresses, an owl partner in the evenings may begin to reproach another (lark) in the absence of enthusiasm.
The pleasure of doing things that are understandable tempts you to repeat them over and over again, and eventually the body stops responding to it.
Instead of taking a step towards each other, both accumulate irritation (if their needs are not met) or resentment (if they have to give in all the time in order to please the other). As a result, they may come to the conclusion that they are not made for each other. In order for differences not to become insurmountable obstacles, it is necessary to comprehend them. Through mutual concessions, many lovers have found a new outlook on life.
To get out of a situation like this, use your individual differences… to play with. After all, love really is a game. Try throughout the day to feel what your partner feels every day: the lark becomes an owl, the silent one breaks the silence. Purpose: to get to know and understand each other better, and perhaps discover an unknown part of your personality in yourself.
Laziness in relationships
In the same place, at the same time, the same caresses … “The pleasure of actions that are understandable to us tempts us to repeat them again and again,” says Nifont Dolgopolov. “However, the psyche is so arranged that the repeated repetition of any gesture, even if it is pleasant and pleasurable, is addictive and eventually the body stops responding to it.”
Sexual laziness can take on various forms: unwillingness to sacrifice your comfort for the sake of a partner, using the same caresses, expecting that it is the other who should bring something new to the relationship … sex, but the intensity of pleasure decreases, and the ability to surrender to one’s desires also decreases.
Perhaps, in order to renew the sensations, it is enough to change the situation? The advice isn’t too bad, but it’s still not enough to breathe new life into the couple’s sexuality.
“The attraction of the routine is that it gives a sense of predictability and security, and this is one of the basic needs,” says Nifont Dolgopolov. — Therefore, the main advice for those who do not want to put up with the fading of attraction: try to realize to what extent you are ready to take risks in order to bring something new into the relationship. If you are ready to change your habits, the style of your behavior in a couple, including sexual behavior, most likely you will find new excitement and new pleasures.
To get out of a situation like this, regularly analyze your feelings, ask yourself questions, talk with your partner about what you really want in your intimate relationship. Am I really aware of my partner’s needs? Do I respond to them? Purpose: to realize your true desires and find a way to realize them.