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This child is usually the first person to witness domestic violence. What happens to him then? Does it make sense to stand by the side of an aggressive partner “for the sake of the child” or for the indissolubility of the family? We ask Robert Bulczyński, a specialist in clinical psychology, about it.
Miłka Pejda, Medonet: What does a child feel when a man close to him, e.g. father, stepfather, grandfather – hits his mother for the first time?
Robert Bulczyński: Rarely in homes with violence, only the aggressor’s partner experiences them, and children are also much more often beaten and mentally humiliated. Their mental and emotional development is devastating both when they witness a loved one beating, but also when they themselves experience physical and mental aggression. Domestic violence causes fear and anxiety, disturbs the sense of security, regardless of the age of the child. After the first incidents of aggression, there is usually shock, disbelief, fear of witnessing subsequent acts of violence, “emergency” anxiety, vigilance for the harbingers of aggression. Children can vividly remind themselves of scenes, causing them emotional arousal like when they witnessed it. When a child witnesses chronic abuse, he often tries to cut himself off emotionally from these traumatic experiences because they evoke very strong, difficult emotions that are destructive to him. Often, such children are indifferent, apathetic, apathetic, numb, they do not enjoy playing, they avoid their peers.
Is it more difficult for younger children?
Trauma is trauma regardless of age. The younger the child, the less diversified his emotions are, more related to somatic sensations and much less expressed verbally. Therefore, children become extremely helpless when faced with such trauma when their emotions are intense and difficult to modulate. Younger children can usually react with tearfulness, strong anxiety, increased attachment to the aggrieved parent and separation anxiety in the face of his absence, restless sleep, and eating disorders.
Teenagers have more options to react. They can take a constructive form: talking to someone you trust about an event, or destructive, i.e. self-harm, suicide attempts. In experiencing these types of events, closer to adults, they can anticipate danger to a greater degree and defend themselves against intense, hurtful feelings by blocking them, paralyzing their behavior, and stiff thinking.
Does the child get used to and get used to mom being beaten?
He does not get used to, but tries to protect against the flood of strong, difficult emotions through various defense mechanisms, which he experiences, for example, anger or sadness. Sometimes it happens that a child, in order to survive in a family with an aggressor, identifies with him, identifies himself, thanks to which he can have a sense of control and power like the perpetrator, and subordinate others to himself. This could have devastating consequences for his emotional and moral development.
How does he deal with it? Does he unconsciously adopt some strategies, does he play some roles?
Often it is a function of actively supporting and sympathizing with the victim of violence, actively defending it or creating such situations to prevent violence, “appease” the aggressor, and distract him. Violence often coexists with the alcohol problem of one or two parents, and children from such families take on the role not according to their age and possibilities, they bear the organization of home life on their shoulders, and take care of siblings. Additionally, some of them may act as a comforter, confidant of their concerns, advisor. There are also children whose suffering and injury related to domestic violence take the form of aggressive, destructive, rebellious behavior, and do not respect social rules. They are often loosely connected with the home, fulfilling themselves more in the group of young people with similar problems or with features of demoralization.
What are the consequences for a child’s psyche of being brought up in a family full of violence?
The consequences are numerous and cover many spheres. They focus on:
– behavioral disorders (aggression, cruelty towards animals, tantrums, hyperactivity, truancy, criminal behavior, truancy),
– emotional difficulties: increased anxiety, sadness, anger, withdrawal, low self-esteem,
– problems in social functioning (rejection by peers, inability to empathize, weakened social skills),
– problems in cognitive functioning (poor school achievements, delay in intellectual development),
– in terms of physical health – insomnia, eating disorders, signs of psychosomatic diseases, bedwetting)
In adulthood, witnessing violence and experiencing aggression is often associated with problems in relationships in relation to the duplication of aggressive behavior as a form of exercising power and control over the environment, and subjugating it to oneself. Moreover, it may be reflected in the adoption of a restrictive, corporal education system for their children. Additionally, such people may find it difficult to enter into another person’s perspective, empathize with them and their emotions.
Can we talk about the existence of some personality model of a little man subjected to such difficult experiences?
In children and adolescents, the best we can talk about is a personality in the process of being shaped, and not a set of fixed personality properties. Nevertheless, in their daily functioning, such children can often use aggression towards other children, because at home the aggressor models their attitude in interpersonal relationships with their attitude. Such children may see the benefits of violent behavior in the form of forcing submission to others, forcing their interests and needs, and impressing and respecting some children. Moreover, such children exhibit irritability, an easy reaction with anger, and a tendency to retaliate. In other children, the leading ones are withdrawing from social life, feeling different, through the uniqueness of such dramatic experiences, thinking like “hardly anyone is able to understand what I think and feel”. Such children are not very spontaneous and carefree, mostly sad and depressed. Restrained in emotions, withdrawn from social life. The destructiveness of the home atmosphere casts a shadow over all spheres of the child’s functioning as a student (low achievement, attention deficit disorder) and a playmate (isolating himself).
How can you help such a child?
Depending on the child’s age, an appropriate form of therapy is used, always bearing in mind the need to ensure a sense of security as a condition for therapeutic work. For this reason, sometimes the therapy should include a child with his / her guardian or family. This is especially true for young children. Such work is always focused on rebuilding a sense of security and repairing a damaged bond. When we are dealing with an older child, a conversation is possible, attention is also paid to building a sense of security and only then “remembering” the trauma and reacting to the feelings associated with it.
Does it make sense to stand by the side of an aggressive partner “for the sake of the child” or for the indissolubility of the family?
In such an atmosphere, there is no question of the “welfare of the child”, because it is violated in all respects. It happens that children in adolescence and entering adulthood, living in such a climate, have anger, complaints that the parent – the victim of violence did not take the initiative and did not put family life in order, making it free from aggression.
How long should a beaten woman wait before deciding to leave her partner? How is he to know that one or the other incident of violence will not repeat itself, as the perpetrator assures?
The perpetrators of violence usually do not have insight into their behavior, they are not very critical of their aggression, they try to rationalize their aggression in front of themselves and others, depreciate the victim, and make them responsible for this act. It is extremely rare for the perpetrators to undertake psychological work on these behaviors on their own initiative. Hence, with a very high degree of probability, these incidents will repeat themselves, initially at longer intervals, over time in the so-called the honeymoon in the family will be shorter and shorter and the form of aggression more and more brutal and ruthless. It is certainly beneficial for victims of domestic violence to participate in individual crisis intervention and group forms of therapy, e.g. support groups for women victims of domestic violence. In therapeutic treatment, women victims of domestic violence require patience, a thorough understanding of their situation and firmness. They need to be prepared to confront the fact that they need to take action to stop the violence. In many cases, this takes time, as the abused woman often does not have the strength to accept and make the necessary changes. Many women are also not emotionally prepared to break up with their partner. They usually take a few tries to change the situation before breaking out of the circle of violence. Therapeutic experiences show that women try to leave their partner several times, sometimes even several times, before making the final decision. It is worth looking at these efforts to change the situation as a learning process to cope with violence.
Robert Bulczyński, a clinical psychologist from the Regional Specialist Hospital them. Dr. W. Biegański in Grudziądz.