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Friends that don’t exist, a fairy who flies in every night… How about the stories that children make up – laugh, worry, wait for it to pass? Our experts invite us to reflect on the value of imagination and the hidden meaning of children’s fantasies.
When Larisa was six years old, she adored her older brother. Oleg met her from kindergarten, interceded if other children teased her, helped to collect puzzles. In general, a better older brother could not be imagined. The only discrepancy was that in fact the girl had only a sister, a capricious wretch of three years, which, according to Larisa, was sometimes too much. Oleg existed only in her imagination.
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- How to respond to childhood fantasies?
Imaginary friends who eat hidden candy, talking animals, toys that come to life at night – our children’s world is sometimes filled with such fictions that they seem to firmly believe in. But aren’t their stories really just plain lies? Many parents are worried about what they think is a child’s fantasy. Will he play in the world of his fictions, isn’t it time to bring him back to reality as soon as possible? Initially, every child is “realistic” in the most literal sense of the word, explains developmental psychologist Galina Burmenskaya. For a baby, there is only what he sees, hears. Until the memory is turned on, there is no past, until the imagination is turned on, there is not even a near future for it. “Imagination and its product, the fantastic image, enable the child to transcend the here and now. The imaginary and the real are mixed in his mind, and he still cannot separate one from the other. Fantasies are the basis of his future creativity, the desire to create something new. Psychologists, on the contrary, are concerned about children with poor imagination, those who have poorly developed figurative thinking, inner speech, and then the inner world as a whole.
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For the development of imagination, the child needs support, support from adults. We tell our children fairy tales, play “princes and princesses”, cue plush dogs and elephants, give gifts on behalf of the tooth fairy and Santa Claus. It never occurs to us, before reading a book to him at night, to warn him that talking rabbits and magic wands do not exist! At the same time, we expect that gradually he will learn to distinguish truth from fiction. You just have to wait until seven years.
Indeed, Galina Burmenskaya confirms, younger schoolchildren already understand how everything is “really”. Why do they, nevertheless, continue to invent, compose what is not in reality? “For them, the fairy-tale world is still very close,” explains the developmental psychologist. “Their ability to soar in free fantasy is not yet stifled by the ‘it can’t be’ or ‘we’re not given much’ feeling that will come later.”
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“I travel in the microcosm”
Yura, 10 years old
“When I was little, I hated insects, I didn’t understand why they were needed, such boogers that only bite and scare. I even crushed ants sometimes, although my mother cursed. And then she and my sister showed me the film “Microcosmos” about insects, and I realized that this is a real world with its heroes, cowards, wise men and fools. And everything is very clearly arranged there, where you can have both enemies and friends. And I also wanted to be in this world and make different discoveries. I imagine becoming very tiny and traveling on a fireman beetle, his name is Fedya. In my world, all insects talk, but there are no other people besides me. Fedya and I encounter a lot of dangers, but we always find a way out, not like in the movies, but much more interesting. I sometimes draw it, but I don’t show it to anyone. And I also like to lie on the grass in the summer and look closely at this world and give names to everyone I see. Actually I don’t want to be a scientist to do it seriously, it’s my sister who wants to be a biologist. It’s interesting for me to imagine how everything works out for me there that no one else can do it. ”
He’s all right
Perhaps none of the adults are worried when children compose something while playing with toys or role-playing games. But when fantasies become pure imagination, it can be troubling. “I look into Anya’s room – again she walks from corner to corner, mumbles something, smiles, makes some gestures … I ask: “Who are you talking to?” “Don’t interfere, now the prince will save me!” I don’t understand if this is normal, it didn’t happen to me as a child,” Tamara, 40, asks about her eight-year-old daughter. “Actually, the girl is going through a new, more difficult stage of the game,” says Galina Burmenskaya. – The child is already quite free in his imagination, and he does not need to rely on toys. There is nothing dangerous or bad here.”
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An imaginary friend is not a symptom of a mental disorder or a sign of deep discomfort. On the contrary, it is often the only source of comfort and support for the child, evidence of his openness. “This is a double with which the child is in dialogue, consults and grows. Such was “dear Kitty” for Anne Frank, the ideal girlfriend to help endure loneliness,” says psychologist Elisabeth Brami. The child, reviving his fantasies, paradoxically finds himself face to face with reality. By placing his imaginary world outside, he thereby moves away from it. Just like when we talk about our dreams or nightmares, we get rid of them.” What if an imaginary friend starts to take up too much space in your life, like five-year-old Lucy’s kitten who needs to pour milk every morning? “You should not play along with the child, allocating a real place to a creature that does not exist,” says Elizabeth Brami. “We must try to translate the fantasy into a game, but not make fun of the girl.” It’s better to say that it’s a great and fun idea to play like we’re cooking breakfast in a doll’s bowl for a kitten, but you shouldn’t pour real milk into a bowl every day.
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Fiction and lies
However, often invented characters serve as an excuse for the child, and then he moves from fantasies to small lies. It wasn’t Igor who broke the vase, it was Kostya, the plush donkey who was jumping on the shelf. Adults will have to learn to distinguish lies from fiction, experts say. Although the line between them is very thin. “The girl told her friends that they were going on vacation to Thailand with the whole family,” Galina Burmenskaya gives an example. – Do you think it’s a lie? There was no pragmatic sense in this invention. The girl wanted to impress her friends, nothing more. Lies almost always have a pragmatic motivation: to avoid punishment or to achieve what they want. Fantasy is always disinterested.
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“My hares are discussing how they will go to the country in the summer”
Rita, 6 years old
“A large family of hares lives with me. There are eight in total. Some are older, some are very small. They are all girls. There are even twin sisters – Drying and Sofia. In general, almost all hares are called with the letter “s”: Susanna, Sonya, Sveta, Snezhinka … They do a lot of work in different circles. Sophia, for example, goes to boxing. She has competitions (in the closet), I make sure that she comes back on time. And she also works out in the pool (that is, this pool is like in our bathroom), she even has a swimsuit and a cap. And other hares go to dances, karate, chess and drawing. And in the theater club. Their favorite game is hide and seek, but no one wants to drive, everyone wants to hide. They don’t like to do cleaning either, they don’t clean the bed. But they are not lazy – they cook for themselves, and generally love to eat! They even ordered gifts for Santa Claus for the New Year – food! But useful: carrots and cabbage. They are discussing how they will go to the dacha in the summer and plant strawberries there. And then, of course, eat it! They dream that they will somehow find themselves at sea and will ride on a big white yacht. And I’m with them!”
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How to react?
What should parents do if they are being lied to? A typical reaction is to scold or punish. “But scolding means rejecting, negatively evaluating,” warns Galina Burmenskaya. “So the parents themselves block the way for understanding, dialogue and, therefore, for influence.” First of all, it is worth understanding what is behind this or that fantasy, why the child resorts to lies. “For example, if his inventions seem aggressive to you, you should not immediately think that anger or sadism is hidden in them. The imaginary does not always express the unconscious desires of the child. It may be an attempt to play out a difficult (or new) impression, a difficult situation that he faced.
If a child’s frequent, bizarre fantasies are of great concern to you, if fictions do not stop at 8-9 years old, or give rise to other problems, it is worth consulting with a child psychologist: what pushes a child to escape from reality?
The alarm, according to Elizabeth Brami, are fictions about real people. Especially if the child accuses the adult of the harm done to him. There is always a hidden message in such lies. “One of my little clients claimed that his uncle threw him to the ground and made him smell his shoes. During the conversation, he admitted to me that this was not true. But in the conversation it turned out that his father often resorted to lies.
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Psychoanalyst Danielle Dalloz tells the story of her niece, with whom she lived while her parents were away. One night, three-year-old Natasha woke up after wetting her bed and said: “It’s not me, it’s the postman.” Was it a lie? “Not at all,” says the psychoanalyst. The girl expressed her sadness at being separated from her parents. The separation was aggravated by the fact that it was impossible to call, and letters rarely arrived. Therefore, she was waiting for the postman so much … “1
The fear to which the child reacts with fiction may not belong to him, but to his parents. “An imaginary friend is intended to calm not only the child,” develops the theme of Elizabeth Brami. So, for example, three-year-old Rosa on the first day in kindergarten invented a friend for herself, Theme. Most likely, he had to reassure her mother Larisa, who was very worried about their separation. As soon as mom stopped worrying, Tema miraculously disappeared, giving way to the very real Vadik. And then Larisa remembered how, as a child, she dreamed of an older brother who would come for her on a motorcycle …
1 D. Dalloz “The lie” (Bayard Youth, 2006).