When Caring Becomes Obsessive Custody

The line between care and guardianship is thin, but for family psychotherapist Maria Dyachkova, the difference is obvious. “Guardianship is associated with the word “helplessness”. We direct attention to someone who is not able to take care of himself: a small child, an elderly person or a disabled person,” she explains. In this case, the guardian often makes decisions for the ward.

Care is based on the need to give, the desire to share with those who can cope without someone else’s help. In our eyes, the one we care about is not weak: he is completely independent, “equal” to us, but our attention will please him.

Care is present both in parent-child relationships and in partnerships, but is there a place for guardianship in them? Let’s try to figure it out.

“Mom, am I hungry or cold?”

In the relationship between a parent and a child, guardianship and care are basic concepts, but as the child grows up, their ratio changes. A newborn is absolutely helpless, unable to feed himself, take care of himself. The parent recognizes his needs and satisfies them in a timely manner. This is guardianship, and it is quite appropriate and justified. As the baby grows, the mother teaches him to satisfy his needs: to report feelings of hunger, use a spoon, wash an apple and entertain himself. This is already a sign of concern.

The child grows up, and the needs become more complex: emotional ones are added to the elementary physiological ones. When a toddler is upset or scared, he needs to be calmed down. It is important that the adult does not “take away” the unpleasant feeling (“Did the dog bark? Let’s not go to this park again!”), But simply be there when the son or daughter is worried. For example, holding a child by the hand, you can offer him to stroke a dog in a muzzle – which means helping to face fear in a safe situation. Thus, the baby learns to cope with different emotions and states, counting on the support of an adult. The parent helps the child to realize his needs, and he grows and develops. This is what a caring attitude is.

“Children need to experience healthy frustration from time to time,” explains Maria Dyachkova. “At this moment, the child discovers that not everything he needs is within his body and is available right now. So comes the understanding that you need to do something yourself or ask for help. Satisfying the need, the child inevitably changes internally, and therefore develops.

Often an adult deprives a child of the opportunity to meet with healthy frustration, anticipating his desires. As a result, the child is not aware of either the needs themselves or adequate means of satisfying them. “Mom, am I hungry?” “No, Yasha, you are cold!” – this dialogue from the Odessa joke fully reflects what psychologists call overprotection.

“Mom feeds the child, although he has not had time to get hungry yet,” explains Maria Dyachkova. – He will never feel hungry, because the mother neutralizes the very possibility of testing him in the bud. Hyperprotection is a perverse understanding of care, an attempt to protect the child from any discomfort. The mother takes away from the baby his right to development, he does not need to do something, change in himself.

In such families, children do not know what they want and where to go. Adults think and live for them. You can often hear from “hyper-protective” mothers: “we slept,” “we passed the exam,” “we went to college.” In a child, they see a function, not a person, they consider him as a creature around whom they need to spin. “I put my whole life on him,” is a favorite phrase of guardian mothers. The child creates meaning in the life of the mother, but he does not have his own meaning – he was “taken away” by an adult.

“Make sure I don’t get jealous”

In the relationship of adults, care is manifested in meeting the needs of a partner “on request”, at will, because, unlike babies, we can say what we need.

“Let’s say I need recognition and attention,” explains Maria Dyachkova. – I inform my partner about this, but this does not mean at all that he is obliged to satisfy my need exactly as I imagine it. If I demand a specific action from my partner: give me a “million scarlet roses” or a diamond ring, this is an alarm signal. Even worse is to wait for him to guess what I want. Or, for example, when I’m jealous of my partner, I insist that he “don’t give me a reason.” What should he do? Hide your sexuality? And if I only think that he gives a reason? Thus, I kind of say to my partner: “I can’t cope, you can handle it.” I consciously recognize myself as weak, infirm, requiring guardianship. This brings us to the plane of the child-parent relationship, when one of the adult partners chooses an infantile position.

Such a distorted understanding of care today, unfortunately, is quite widespread.

What’s behind the hyperbole?

Overprotection is just a symptom, an external manifestation of deeper problems. What could be behind it?

1. Trauma plus trauma. Often, partners secretly conclude a mutually beneficial contract, bargain, exchanging their needs. “You make money and provide me with a sense of security, and I actively demonstrate your success.” Here again we can talk about the attitude towards a person as a function. Often such unions are formed by deeply traumatized people.

This state of the couple is quite stable. “I don’t have a left leg, you have a right one. We unite, and now we are a full-fledged two-legged person. Not noticing the absence of a leg in another is a convenient barter, – comments Maria Dyachkova. – There is also an extreme degree of perverted “adult” custody, when I do not give my partner the opportunity to realize that something is wrong with him. For example, I don’t let my husband know that he is an alcoholic: “No, no, these are all problems at work” or “I upset you.” I strive to take care of the other so that he does not even think about what could be different and that it is worth changing himself and his life. After all, then I will have to change.”

Sooner or later, a person may become aware of the problem and engage in his own cure – himself or with the help of a psychologist. And someone prefers to live “without a leg” for many years, just not to be left alone.

2. Control and distrust. The veiled goal of overprotection is to control the needs, desires, and fantasies of another. In a healthy relationship (parent and child or two adults) this is impossible, and unnecessary. What if the relationship is unhealthy? Then the guardian violates the boundaries of the partner: he reads the correspondence, checks the phone. This occurs not only in the relationship of a man and a woman, but also in adult children and parents.

3. The desire to fill life with meaning. It happens that a mother controls not only children, but also grandchildren, replacing or displacing parents. Thus, she fills life with a “foreign” meaning, feels her need and importance. Sometimes an adult voluntarily renounces responsibility for himself, agrees to play the role of a weak-willed, shy, weak, “lost”. A striking example is the drug addict son and his mother. The mother pays the child’s debts for doses, justifies his absenteeism to the authorities. In exchange, she feels needed, her life takes on meaning.

How to learn to take care?

In a relationship with a child, it is important for a parent to refrain from guardianship in time. “As a mother, I clearly recognize when a child is able to take care of himself,” explains Maria Dyachkova. – One day there comes a moment when he can wash his hands himself, choose a toy, deal with the offender on the playground. I recognize his right to be independent and give him the opportunity to turn to me for help if necessary. At that moment, I replace guardianship with care.”

But what about the disabled person? Some things the patient cannot do himself: for example, go to the toilet or climb the stairs. But perhaps he is able to entertain himself? “A perfect example of how it can and should be shown in the movie 1+1. According to the plot, a dark-skinned guy with a criminal past is hired as a nurse to a paralyzed businessman. The “nurse” undertakes some procedures, but in many respects treats the ward as an equal. The guy understands very well: a businessman’s body is paralyzed, but not his personality. It would be good for all of us not to forget about this in relationships with loved ones.