If two people are connected only by amazing sex, is their relationship always limited to it? Not necessarily, our experts say. Physical passion can allow us to fully reveal ourselves, or it can become a stage on the path to full love.
“No one and nothing could stop me, prevent me from coming to see him, neither my husband, nor even my child,” admits 33-year-old Daria. — With this man, it was as if I had sex for the first time in my life — or rather, I felt anew what it really is. Everything excited me: how he breathed, how he clung to me, how his hair and palms smelled … Even before that, with other men, I felt good in bed, but I had never had a feeling of such powerful, literally animal bliss.
I returned home as if drunk, and it cost me tremendous efforts to hide the fact that every minute I think only about a new meeting. Sometimes I wanted to cry — just from happiness that this is happening to me. Six months later, my lover left for another city. Mentally, it became easier for me, because such a double life exhausted me, but I did not know how painful it would be for me without him. For a while I felt like a drug addict trying to get off the needle … And yet I never regretted what happened between us.
Accept your impulse
Physical passion does not take into account any circumstances. But still, you should not assume that it is capable of only one destruction: the power of passion gives us a chance to reveal another important part of our own personality.
“For many women, their own sexuality seems to be deprived of the right to vote,” comments psychotherapist Maria Fedorova. “And when she wakes up, they are completely stunned by what is happening to them. Women in general began to discover sexual desires in themselves and recognize them as something natural relatively recently. The revelation of one’s sexuality is especially striking when it coincides with a midlife crisis. Then passion can become the embodiment of a dream that was not realized in youth.
Accepting our impulse, living our attraction is what is important if we want to be truly alive.
37-year-old Svetlana admits that for her life was divided into «before» and «after» last summer.
“At some point, I was seized with such a strong desire that I myself was surprised at what I was capable of. I never expected anything like this from myself, and even with a person whom I hardly knew. Thanks to this crazy meeting, I felt some new confidence in myself, which has remained with me to this day. I realized that I am not afraid to completely surrender to my desire, because what I feel and want so much is also me.
Accepting our impulse, living our attraction, is what is important if we are to be truly alive.
“You need to have the courage to open up to another, fearlessly and sincerely,” says Maria Fedorova. — When this happens mutually, there is a general feeling of pleasure, flight. And if two people think more about technique, poses, how they look, and not about each other, they won’t succeed in anything worthwhile. Sex is not a meeting of two human bodies, but of two people.
Body harmony
Two people can sincerely love each other, but not achieve sexual harmony. But it also happens the other way around: everything is fine in bed, but things don’t go beyond it.
“If a man unconsciously projects “maternal” feelings onto a partner, or a woman puts a partner in the place of a father or mother, then sexual relations become more complicated, because normally you can’t have sex with relatives,” explains French psychoanalyst Yves Prijean. — Often in such cases, there is simply no attachment between sexual partners.
I feel the need to merge with her, become one, feel like a fantastic lover.
From passionate sexual relationships, love is not always born.
“I never hid that I like sex,” admits 39-year-old Ilya. — And usually we find ourselves with a girl in bed pretty quickly, if you’re lucky, then immediately after we met. I feel the need to merge with her, to become one, to feel like a fantastic lover. It doesn’t bother me, on the contrary, I want it again and again, sometimes all night long. But with partners I had nothing in common, except for sex, I was not going to share my life with them.
Sex for sex
Relationships that involve only our bodies are rarely taken seriously. Problems with «sex for the sake of sex» arise when one of the partners thinks about family and children …
“Passion is an experience on a different level than love,” says family therapist Anna Varga. — For her, bodily-physiological moments are more important than emotional ones. Passion can be compared to hunger, which can also distract us from other activities for a while. But it is impossible to subdue the feeling of hunger all your life!
Unrestrained sexuality often scares us: we are afraid to go too far.
Problems with «sex for the sake of sex» arise when one of the partners thinks about family and children
“We had amazing sex with her, and both, as they say, went crazy,” admits 30-year-old Kirill. — It even came to some sadistic things. We were literally carried somewhere, we no longer controlled ourselves.
Why does a burst of violent sexuality sometimes result in cruelty and violence?
“Extremes meet,” says psychologist Ina Bausheva. — On the way to ultimate pleasure, it becomes obvious that love and death are closely related. In addition, if the release of a powerful instinct occurs without the participation of the individual, the person is in danger of developing dependence. On the one hand, this experience is amazing, on the other hand, it can be destructive and traumatic precisely because consciousness is not able to grasp it.
Prolong pleasure
But nevertheless, it also happens that stories that begin with overflowing sexuality lead to long-term relationships.
“When this happened for the first time with Vadim, I was almost ashamed,” says 25-year-old Nina. — He was not particularly handsome, his jokes were rude … But it turned out that we had sex — and something clicked in me. I went crazy from his wet skin, from his hands … From time to time I decided to get rid of him — there was no love. But each time I began to physically miss him, and I told myself that it was stupid to pass by such amazing physical intimacy. Little by little, he became a part of my life, and one day I realized that I myself had become a part of his life. We’ve been living together for eight months now.»
Not always the ideal sexual partner becomes a life partner, but do not miss the chance that gives us physical passion
“Relationships that began as a purely sexual adventure can develop into full-fledged love,” comments Maria Fedorova. — Everything will depend on how ready the partners are to go further, to decide to extend the relationship at other levels. After all, sexuality is not a separate quality, it is one of the important aspects of our personality. Sexual relations are first of all relations, and only then — sexual.
Not always the ideal sexual partner becomes a life partner, but do not miss the chance that gives us physical passion. It gives us the opportunity to look deeper into ourselves and explore spaces that would otherwise remain closed to us.
Inevitable Feelings
In bookstores, manuals on the technique of sex occupy entire shelves, magazine sections and TV shows are devoted to sex …
“It seems that sex and love are divorced, as if they cannot exist together,” says psychoanalyst and sexologist Boris Yegorov. — It has a certain impact on society: people begin to treat sex as a pleasant activity that has nothing to do with relationships. Meanwhile, a sexual relationship always has an impact on the people who have entered into it.
Regular sexual encounters cannot go on forever and nonchalantly without changing the state of mind of the partners. The heroes of Roman Polanski’s film «The Bitter Moon», having started dating only for the sake of sex, eventually destroyed each other’s lives, and the heroes of Frederic Fontaine’s painting «Pornographic Relationship» who met through an intimate advertisement found true, tender love as a result.
It is worth remembering that sooner or later feelings interfere even in relationships under the slogan «sex and only sex.»