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When does it all start? Certainly not when he first hit her or she complained to him about cleaning. And especially not at the time of their meeting. It turns out that here the roots go back to childhood …
First, a person receives knowledge that his loved one may be dangerous for him: he may not take care of him or he may be lost. Most likely, this loved one is a parent, and this experience occurs more often in childhood.
It doesn’t necessarily come down to violence at home. It could be maternal depression, a difficult parental divorce, or a few months in the hospital.
Relatives more often do not notice that the experience has traumatized the child, and it seems to him that everything that happened is normal.
The experience of living next to violence will affect the relationship the most
And it is not so important whether the children will only witness parental quarrels or they themselves will be severely punished. If you think about it, no «witnesses to violence» actually exist. Everyone who observes violence experiences helplessness and anger and experiences the same as the victim. Helplessness in any case will cause all traumatic reactions in children and teach them how to cope with them. Such children almost inevitably fall into the exclusion zone in society.
THE CYCLE STARTS
Sometimes the experience of trauma becomes repressed and unclaimed until a new loved one appears in life. A person who has been traumatized by attachment enters a relationship with hope. He really needs to replenish the love and care that he did not receive in his parental family.
But he also has big concerns: he does not fully believe that he can be loved. It is no coincidence that he tends to ignore courtship and interest in his direction, if they are not expressed in an extreme form. He does not see the possibilities of creating a couple when the relationship begins with friendship and respectful approach, or unconsciously looking for a strong person who will protect him from life threats, confusing strength and aggression.
If a person has abusive mechanisms, then he is inclined to «overcome all obstacles for the sake of love»
That is, to win the chosen one / chosen one, proving to her / him that he is worthy of her / his choice. From this great desire, as well as disbelief that you can be loved just like that, from the willingness to overcome obstacles for the sake of love, a characteristic pattern of the development of an abusive relationship arises.
Relationships begin with very bright, romantic, passionate moments and develop quickly. And now, having achieved the goal, a person feels that he can soon be rejected, and is looking for proof of this. Control causes him to follow and attack his partner to make sure he is really interested in the relationship. However, these checks and insults are perceived by the partner as aggressive, violent actions.
FULL CYCLE
Abusive dynamics develop gradually. Let’s observe exactly what processes are launched in pairs and lead to violence.
«Honeymoon»
Relationships have begun. Both partners see each other as an ideal — exactly the one they need. They do not check whether the partner is really suitable for them, but attribute the necessary properties to him. Thanks to this, both experience absolute trust in each other and the pleasure of interest and complete security.
Triggers run control
A partner with abusive mechanisms has anxiety: he suddenly sees in his partner someone who can reject, quit, hurt.
Abusive and sacrificial mechanisms turn on, tension grows
The partner applies preventive measures of influence — abusive strategies are launched, psychological violence occurs.
The second participant in the relationship is very surprised by this. But since everything was fine in the relationship only recently, he does not want to lose such a unique connection and tries to meet his partner halfway. He hopes that concessions will help and life will return to its previous course.
Concessions, however, do not help. For the abuser, they only confirm the correctness of his fears: he defended himself against threats and nothing happened, which means that everything was done correctly and we must continue.
Further in the relationship, faster or slower, tension grows. The abuser constantly has anxiety and new demands, claims and protective actions in relation to the partner.
There is a loss of control
Despite all his own efforts and the efforts of the partner, at some point the aggressor falls into a state of helplessness.
He has made so many attempts, but the anxiety has not gone away — and he has a breakdown of control.
An act of violence
The aggressor falls into his accumulated traumatic experiences. He is filled with anger, loneliness and pain. And I am sure that the partner, like others in his life, does not love him. In this wounded state, he turns his anger on the victim.
It becomes impossible to deny the bad attitude of the partner and his violence, and the victim also falls into the state of his trauma. She experiences helplessness, loneliness and pain. Her anger is blocked, so she freezes and does not defend herself.
An argument can last from a few minutes to several days. When the act of violence is over, the aggressor has thrown out anger, and the victim feels very bad, both partners decide to disperse, not to be together.
Reconciliation and the beginning of a new cycle
The dissociative process helps to quickly displace emotions about what happened, the pain becomes dull. Adaptive mechanisms that preserve attachment come into play again. Both partners understand that they can lose the relationship. The one who has the most anxiety is the first to put up.
If this is an aggressor, then he promises never to repeat violence. And at the moment of promises, he sincerely believes in them. If the victim goes to put up, then he takes responsibility and puts forward the version that he himself provoked aggression. In this case, the victim triggers not only the fear of losing the relationship, but also pity for the partner.
Legitimization of violence
The aggressor easily agrees with the version of the injured party and explains the violence by the behavior of the partner, but feels himself a victim, unable to change what is happening.
But even if the abuser is the first to put up, it does not change anything significantly: the explanation for the abuse will certainly appear after a while.
«Honeymoon» — Time Out of Control
When a couple rekindles a relationship, the violence doesn’t stop, it goes into a second round. At the beginning of this circle, as at the moment of their first meeting and falling in love, both again feel trust in each other.
«Honeymoon» is beautiful in that the controls are turned off and both return to the original illusion of an ideal partner.
The illusion persists for a while, until the anxiety returns again. Like last time, it comes from triggers that are reminiscent of the repressed experiences of the wounded part.
And so, with each new circle, the “honeymoon” will be a little shorter, until it disappears completely, and the violence will become more intense with each repetition …
Is it possible to help a couple get out of violence and save the relationship?
The answer depends on whether the aggressor will take responsibility for their contribution to the relationship and whether the other partner will still want to stay in the relationship after all that has been experienced.
If the answer to both questions is yes, then they have a lot of work to do to treat their own injuries. The couple will need to discuss and rethink negative experiences together. After that, you can work with changing communication models so that, as a result, a request for support from one partner is read by another and finds a response in it. This process must be mutual. Then the relationship will each time confirm the value of each and mutually give resources.
And if the offender is not ready to take his part of the responsibility? This often happens. Then the victim will have to unlock their sacrificial mechanisms and increase the distance. Violence can be stopped, but relationships will not last.