When and how to punish

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ The better the relationship in the family, the less often parents have to punish their children. On the other hand, in a family with a healthy atmosphere, parents, when they have to punish their children, take it lightly, as a natural moment in life.

“Punishments should teach, not injure”, “Don’t yell at children”, “Don’t beat a child” — these moralizing appeals are natural for any reasonable person and that is why they are most often useless. Why? Because those so-called «parents» who take out their discontent and anger on children, who really traumatize children, do not read books on psychology and pedagogy, and it is pointless to talk with them on these topics. Bad parents do not listen to moralizing, good parents do not need them. Parents who are sensitive and prone to auto-aggression (and there are many among loving ones), when they have to punish their children, more often inflict mental trauma on themselves, and not on the child.

In this situation, it seems more correct to start caring not for the children, but for the parents. In intelligent families, the situation of punishment strains more parents than children. It is not difficult for children to be offended by punishment, to cry cheerfully, and the psyche of parents, worried about their grievances and crying, begins to collapse. It seems more important to say not that the punishments of children should be environmentally friendly, protect the health and psyche of the child, but to educate parents that in most cases there is nothing terrible for children in punishments themselves.

If you deprived your child of the TV because he did not do his homework on time, the child retired to his room, where he spends time in comfort and warmth. Even if the parents spanked the child because he did not stop in a fight with his sister after the parents’ command, the child’s butt received only a healthy massage. For health and psyche — nothing to worry about.

In any case, when life punishes us for our mistakes, most of us perceive it without enthusiasm, but with understanding. When we are punished by loved ones, it is unpleasant not the punishment itself, but the fact that someone dared to infringe on our freedom and our rights. Then you can upset yourself, and anger, and be mortally offended — do everything possible bad for yourself, from which the heart of loved ones will tremble.

If the parents spanked the child, and the child did not cry in response, they can spank him again. And if he burst into tears loudly and unhappily, the parents will calm down and leave behind. The crying of a child, as a rule, is only a way to protect his ass, it is a way for a child to influence parents. The child does not like the way the parents behave, and he punishes them with his crying.

All the bad things that children receive from parental punishment are not caused to them by their parents. This is done by the children themselves when they find it to be an effective means of influencing their parents.

If you can do without punishment and agree with the child in an amicable way, it is stupid to punish. Don’t spank if you can warn. Don’t shout if you can say it calmly. If you can both praise and scold, start by praising. If the child is already punished by the consequences of his own actions and is worried, do not finish him off. If punishment can be replaced with a learning game or compensation, something positive, do it! Sometimes these simple reminders still turn out to be necessary even for meaningful parents. And, nevertheless, it is possible to punish, and sometimes it is simply necessary. If the order is not observed, it is suggested. Some children, in principle, do not consider it necessary to obey their parents, they are used to commanding their parents, and in this case, if the parents decide to change the situation, they cannot do without punishment.

If it is not possible to agree with the child in a good way, explanations do not help, promises are not kept and you warned the child about punishments, you can punish. You can punish when your punishments are understood and perceived as fair. Adequate punishments that serve as a lesson are perceived normally and are simply necessary.

Sometimes you are simply tested for strength: can you use force or not? In this case, your punishment is a clear answer: «Yes, I can use force.» After that, you can establish already normal relations.

If you have a good, warm relationship with a child, if the child knows that you love him, if you know it yourself, then sometime, for a cause, punishing a child is absolutely normal. Perhaps it’s just your parental duty. So, punishments can be used:

• To maintain their status in conflict situations. In this case, the punishment will be the transition from mild confrontation to hard and controlled conflict.
• To create and maintain discipline where discipline is needed. For example, if it is work, training or a lesson. In this case, it is necessary to formulate rules in advance, stipulate sanctions and clearly fine for non-compliance with the rules, especially at first. Usually 1-2 cases are enough to establish discipline.

In any case, it is better to punish a child by depriving him of good than by making him bad. In order to apply this rule, try to create in your family a stock of good traditions, family holidays, etc. Then the child will have something to regret in case of misconduct.