When a teenager takes up a knife: how to prevent a tragedy

We turned to developmental psychologist Natalya Evsikova and family psychologist Elena Perova for comments.

Psychologies: Can parents notice that something is wrong with the child?

Natalya Evsikova: This is not easy for parents of teenagers. Transitional age is a difficult time for both children and their parents. The mood and behavior of a teenager often change, he is either excited, then apathetic, then open, then closed. There is always something wrong with him – and to notice that this “not so” is already serious, only the adult who constantly and interestedly communicates with him can notice. And at the same time – an important condition! – Meets the reciprocal trust.

A teenager is trying to get comfortable in the turbulent world of relationships outside the family, and he needs to feel that his parents support him. If there is no acceptance and a sense of security, then aggression can be the result – directed at oneself or outside.

Elena Perova: During adolescence, most children rarely open up to their parents. So even if something happens to a child, adults will most likely see the same thing as always: their teenager is in a bad mood, sitting at the computer and answering questions: “It’s okay, leave me alone.” In addition, it can be very difficult for parents to recognize the problem and the need to seek help.

If parents nevertheless decide on this, it is important for them to correctly formulate the reasons for this appeal so that the teenager does not think that they are making him a “psycho” and a “patient”. It is better to focus on the problems in the relationship. Something like: “It became difficult for me to find a common language with you. I don’t understand how I can better communicate with you, and I want to go to a psychologist about this. Please come with me so that the psychologist can understand what our problem is. At the same time, maybe you can ask some questions of your own.

How can school psychologists help teenagers? Tell us how they work.

Natalya Evsikova: The school psychologist does a lot: he assesses the readiness of all students for learning, helps first graders adapt to new requirements, fifth graders get comfortable with the transition to middle school, advises teachers and parents, monitors preparation for exams, because this is a time of stress and overload, and etc. We have to admit that many psychologists simply do not have time for individual work with children. Although an experienced professional working with teachers who understand and support him, there is a chance to do more.

Elena Perova: There is an ideal model, and there is a real situation in our schools. And the difference between them is great. Ideally, a school psychologist works on relationships in a team. Students spend significant time together over the years, and their relationships can be both a resource and a source of tension and traumatic experiences. There are many ways to improve relationships in the classroom, such as through cohesiveness training. A school psychologist can also help children solve their personal problems, help with conflicts with teachers.

If the psychologist is in contact with the class, aware of the “undercurrents”, he may notice changes in the emotional state of one of the children. But this cannot be done if there is only one psychologist, and there are dozens of classes. If the psychologist had the opportunity to at least sometimes conduct training and tests in the classroom, he could better imagine the situation: what kind of relationship is there in the class, is there tension between someone. Instead, it is swamped with paperwork, administrative work. Yes, and there is some prejudice at school: a psychologist usually works with children during school hours, takes a classroom hour, this annoys teachers – it is believed that lessons are more important.

And if we take an ideal situation, who should a school psychologist be for a student?

Elena Perova: A psychologist is a person with whom you can talk frankly and safely, who you can trust. Even though adolescents in general are not inclined to make contact with adults, the relationship with a psychologist is different. After all, he always listens carefully and respectfully, without judging, does not express value judgments, is interested in what is important to a teenager, does not speak as if he is an indisputable authority – in a word, he is just a person who talks to another person, not an adult, who teaches a teenager to live. The school psychologist follows ethical rules in the same way as any other psychologist. A teenager should not regret that he spoke frankly about himself.

If the psychologist believes that the student is at risk, he can offer him to work individually and try to understand if there are reasons to suspect a mental illness or if the student is in danger of a nervous breakdown. In the first case, the family should be advised to consult a psychiatrist, keeping this secret. In the second – to help the teenager deal with problems, if necessary, involving parents and teachers.

Now the media is actively talking about the need to identify potentially dangerous children. And what to do with them next? It is important to understand that children who may be considered potentially dangerous are already more fragile psyches, they are already vulnerable and often become the target of bullying in the classroom, and if it suddenly turns out that they are considered dangerous, this will only hurt their position.

Today, much is written about the influence of the media on the behavior of adolescents, which actively cover such stories, films where the killers are often positive characters, computer games, the so-called “shooters”. How valid are these assumptions?

Natalya Evsikova: To draw an unambiguous direct connection between some phenomenon of culture and the behavior of a child would mean greatly simplifying the matter. A child is influenced by many factors – family, school, friends and parents, what he is told about, what he observes around him, and what conclusions he draws about all this. Different people react differently to the same TV show. What will a teenager think when he sees a report about what happened in Perm: “It’s a pity for the victims” or “I also want it that way”? It depends on what values ​​he learned, what he managed to learn – first of all from his parents.

Elena Perova: A few more words about shooting games. Everything is ambiguous here. For some, they, on the contrary, serve as a harmless voltage outlet. In any case, it seems wrong to me now to take up arms against computer games and television and blame them, leaving much more important factors unattended – the tension that children experience, the isolation they may find themselves in, a lack of understanding of where to turn with their problems.

And how to discuss this situation with children?

Natalya Evsikova: First of all, try to sincerely answer the questions to yourself: “What in this story touches me the most as a parent, as a person, as a citizen? What scared me? What do I want to warn my children about? What to protect from? Your answers will be the key to a conversation with your son or daughter. Listen carefully to the opinions, questions, statements of your children, do not be afraid of their harshness or surprise. The important thing is that the child is ready to share his experiences with you and trusts you.

Elena Perova: I would recommend expressing sympathy to all participants in the tragedy, including the attackers: most likely, they found themselves in a difficult situation, could not cope with it, did not find anyone to turn to for support, and committed a terrible irreparable act. Don’t make monsters out of them. It is important to find the right words and assure the children that they have someone to trust and whom to turn to in difficult times, to remind them that they are not alone in life.