We know a lot about the problem of psychological and physical violence by men. But it is not so rare for women to become abusers. What provokes female aggression? Why do husbands endure and most often remain silent about violence? The psychotherapist explains.
Case study
A foreigner, let’s call him Robert, is a respectable, accomplished man who really wanted a family and children. He was brought up in an atmosphere of respect and warm attitude towards each other. Unless, perhaps, his mother made too high demands on his behavior: to always be restrained, strict with himself and help those who achieved less than him.
And Robert married our compatriot Elvira. The girl did not succeed in many things in life, which, as a rule, caused her irritation. But the man was sure that his care, attention and patience would help build a wonderful family.
Perhaps it would have been. But Elvira did not receive healthy guidance and support from her parents as a child, so she went into adulthood with a huge resentment towards people. And above all for men.
Having met a resourceful and generous person in every sense, the girl decided to use him “to the fullest”
She tried to get from him everything that, in Elvira’s opinion, her parents did not give. And when the couple had a child, whom the husband loved very much, the wife’s claims increased dramatically. For example, she began to demand money all the time – either for fashionable wardrobe items, or for some “projects”.
Reasonable words of her husband that you need to measure your needs with real possibilities, understand the appropriateness or inappropriateness of some expenses, Elvira ignored. She perceived Robert’s refusal as evidence of dislike, which she constantly reproached him with.
It all ended with the girl’s irritability turning into physical aggression.
Learn to say “no”
There have been much more similar cases in my practice in recent months: in many respects these are the consequences of self-isolation, the fact that people spend little time outside the home and cannot “switch”. But of course there are other reasons as well.
Children’s experience
As a rule, the victims of such situations are not banal “henpecked”. Often they have already encountered female aggression – in childhood, when their mother showed it – and felt their defenselessness in front of her. They retained this feeling and carried it into adulthood.
Character
There are also super-responsible men, like our hero. By virtue of their upbringing, they cannot hurt a woman and want to save the family. Such men are ready to work on relationships, but no one hears their reasoning.
Certainly, this is not a weakness. This is just the hyper-responsibility of a person who believes that divorce is not always an option. Such a man is afraid to leave a child with a woman who behaves in this way – after all, most often in Russia a child lives with his mother. Finally, he feels sorry for his wife: how can you trust her to yourself?
But hopes for “re-education”, that patience and “work on relationships” on the part of a man will change something, is an illusion. Women like Elvira see in these qualities a weakness that can be used to their advantage.
You can not connect your life with people who do not want to improve. With those who are not ready to learn respect for family members. With such people, as well as with your own illusions, you need to part. But what about the children? Children should live in a healthy environment.
Until a woman understands the degree of her emotional ill health, does not turn to a specialist and begins to work on her neuroticism, the relationship will not change. All a man can do is learn to say no.
About expert
Olga Lukina – psychotherapist, candidate of medical sciences. Business psychiatrist, business psychotherapist. Director of the Institute for Integrative Psychotherapy and Coaching.