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“If you pour it properly, you’ll start learning right away!” Many of us heard this phrase often as children, swore never to say it to our children, and yet blurt it out from time to time. And they raise their hand against the children, “because there is no strength.” A neuropsychologist and a psychophysiologist talk about how a child’s body reacts to punishment, how it affects school performance, and what alternative measures of upbringing can be.
On the physical level, violence is the experience of pain, and pain signals danger and triggers the fight-or-flight mechanism. An adult is stronger, so a rare child will show physical aggression towards him.
However, emotions need an outlet, so aggression is often directed at those who cannot defend themselves. It can be other children, and some adults. That is why suddenly manifested aggression can be a symptom of the fact that violence is being used against the child.
Violence is not only the use of physical force, but also any action, the conscious purpose of which is to control or subjugate another person through fear, humiliation, intimidation, accusation, coercion, manipulation.
When we yell at a child, call him names, deprive him of meaningful things or communication with friends, from a physiological point of view, we harm him almost as much as when we beat him with a belt.
CONSEQUENCES FOR CHILD BRAIN DEVELOPMENT
Olga Semenova, neuropsychologist:
Those who regularly experienced abuse as children have reduced sizes of brain structures that process emotional information and are responsible for memory.
They have impaired metabolism of certain neurotransmitters (in particular, oxytocin, which is associated with the formation of attachments) and substances associated with the regulation of stress.
In addition, the so-called “brain reinforcement system” does not work properly: positive experience does not serve as a guide for them, they become less sensitive to those signals from the external environment that can show them the way to success.
But the sensitivity to danger remains at a high level, which makes these people less determined and motivated for self-development.
Regina Machinskaya, psychophysiologist:
Not only physical pain leads to stress, but above all the humiliation to which the child is subjected. This stress arises as a reaction to the inability to satisfy their needs for acceptance, respect and love.
Satisfaction of these needs affects the maturation of all brain structures, primarily those that are important for the formation of attention, speech, motivational and emotional regulation. From a physiological point of view, the following happens.
Nerve cells of the hypothalamus – a structure that responds to important events for a person (including the satisfaction of needs) – must secrete special substances, neurohormones.
If the relationship of the child with loved ones causes stress instead of positive emotions, then the synthesis of these substances in the hypothalamus is disturbed. A failure occurs: the normal maturation of the brain mechanisms responsible for emotional and motivational regulation and cognitive activity is disrupted.
A vicious circle arises: punishments, the purpose of which is to correct the child’s behavior, actually reduce the possibility of learning and self-control, which means that they provide new reasons for punishment.
CONSEQUENCES FOR THE PSYCHE
Olga Semenova:
The child has a fear of punishment. Fear is a strong motivator, but it stimulates only one activity – avoiding what scares. Corporal punishment does not add intelligence and perseverance, but children begin to actively lie, because this is the only chance to avoid punishment. They hide and spoil notebooks and diaries, do everything so that parents do not find out about bad grades. They compose that the task was not assigned to them, but the control was postponed. This is because the adult is unrestrained, impatient, impulsive and aggressive.
If the punishments are especially cruel, then some children run away from home or even take their own lives. Moreover, they lay hands on themselves impulsively, so children’s suicides are the least predictable. If the punishments are “tolerable”, then some children learn to “turn off”: at the moment when they are punished, they stop feeling, hearing and seeing anything. The habit of reacting in this way to any negative impact persists for many years.
Fear is a powerful stimulus that kills other types of motivation. Accustomed to work under the threat of punishment, the child ceases to love what he is taught, and sees in his studies the cause of all his troubles.
Moreover, the child finds himself in an almost hopeless situation.
He cannot “retire”: stop communicating with his parents, change his place of residence, change teachers, go “to another job”. Violence comes from close people, which means that the world as a whole and your own home are no longer a safe place. Relationships with loved ones no longer provide support, and even more so one’s own personality, because it is she who makes the very mistakes for which they are then punished.
At the interpersonal level, all this leads to a loss of trust, psychological closeness, unwillingness to express oneself (any manifestation is dangerous, since punishment can follow). On the internal psychological level, this is a depreciation of oneself: the child does not yet have a healthy inner core, and he is guided in evaluating himself by authoritative adults.
In any situation that threatens to fail, the child easily panics. It, in turn, leads to the loss of the ability to think logically. Self-doubt does not allow relying on existing experience and knowledge: it seems to the child that he is doing everything wrong. Violence actually suppresses the initiative and creativity in the child, he ceases to experience the joy of life.
The most common consequences of childhood abuse that can be observed in adults are chronic fatigue syndrome, anhedonia (inability to experience the pleasure of life), depression, and attachment disorders. It is known that women who experienced regular childhood abuse are significantly less likely to form partnerships and experience fewer warm feelings towards their children.
SURVIVERS
Olga Semenova:
There are no “winners” who come out whole from a situation of domestic violence. However, there are options for a relatively favorable development of events for the child.
Those who find the strength to protest manage to save themselves. This gives the child the feeling that he is capable of something, strengthens his self-esteem. At the same time, this is the path of passion, violent resistance and often extreme selfishness. It does not imply respect for others. Most often this happens when a parent punishes impulsively and then repents.
The second scenario is the “Stockholm syndrome”, when a child joins the aggressor in the hope that he will love him for his loyalty and stop beating him. In this case, he tries to imitate the rapist in everything and adopts his value system. He does not create anything of his own, but meticulously tries to repeat the “path of strength.” It seems to him that only strict adherence to the system will save him from punishment in the future. He accepts the fact that the punishments were well deserved.
This option breeds fanatics. As an adult, this person is also very likely to beat children, and he will do it deliberately and cruelly. As a rule, such people have no pity. This option often occurs in situations where parents punish consciously, “according to the system.”
The third option is liars, people who have learned to avoid punishment by lying
They play by the rules and seem very interested in those rules right up until they discover that they are not doing well or living up to expectations. At this point, the lies begin. This happens automatically: protective mechanisms of avoiding responsibility and “saving face” are triggered. In this case, others are always to blame.
Despite the obvious “side effects”, these three scenarios are the most constructive and positive, they allow the child to survive and maintain relative mental health. In other cases, as children grow up, addictions develop, the idea is formed that it is normal to beat, that with the help of physical violence it is possible to solve problems.
It is naive and dangerous to hope that through corporal punishment one can grow up a mentally healthy, intelligent, emotionally mature person who respects both himself and those around him.
CAN BE DIFFERENT. AS?
Olga Semenova:
The first thing an adult should do is to understand what exactly drives him crazy, to determine his “triggers”. They can be rudeness, rudeness, refusal of the child to obey the requirements.
All this causes certain physical sensations in an adult: muscle tension, a rush of blood to the head. The body is preparing to fight back, suppress, stop.
When this happens to you, it is a reason to stop without bringing the situation to a physical impact. It is much more difficult for a child to stop: he does not yet have the same level of voluntary regulation as an adult. One of the necessary steps is to “leave the situation”, increase the distance.
For example, you could say, “I’m not ready to talk to you like that. Right now I’m very angry and I need to calm down. When we both calm down, we will return to this conversation.” Timeout allows us to start thinking more constructively.
It is important to identify your “triggers” in advance in order to learn to quickly become aware of what is happening and tell yourself “stop”
Various relaxation techniques and a simple count from one to one hundred help to relieve nervous tension and psychologically distance yourself from what is happening.
It is important to identify your “triggers” in advance in order to learn to quickly become aware of what is happening and tell yourself “stop”. A stop does not mean a loss, a surrender of positions. It does not mean a ban on the expression of negative emotions in response to the behavior of the child.
Regina Machinskaya:
No one argues with the fact that negative feedback in education and training is necessary. This can be a calm negative assessment (not of the child himself, but of his act) with an explanation of what exactly the mistake or incorrect behavior is, why it is bad for the child or others, and how such a mistake can be corrected or prevented in the future.
At the same time, it should be understood that the causes of learning difficulties can be different: both neurophysiological (“weak” or “immature” parts of the brain systems that provide cognitive functions), and social. Conflict situations can also be the result of inadequate or unprofessional behavior of adults.
Therefore, alternatives to corporal or humiliating punishment of a child can be completely different: from working with a family psychologist to contacting a neurologist or psychiatrist for medical help.
PREVENTION
Olga Semenova:
Since situations that cause outbursts of aggression tend to recur, it is important to avoid recurrence whenever possible. There is no need to take the child to crowded noisy places if each such trip ends in hysteria. If the child is inattentive and regularly forgets about his daily duties, you need to consider an effective reminder system.
It is important to agree with your child in advance what you want from him, explain why it is important, and together think about how to succeed. You need to focus on those requirements that are really important. If you demand too much, it overloads the child and he tries to save himself from overload by ceasing to obey.
Allow your child to make his own decisions, at least in those situations that are not of particular importance, or if you are still not able to control the implementation of the requirements.
If you feel that what you did was wrong, unfair, do not hesitate to apologize.
This will teach the child to see, recognize and correct the mistakes made.
For a parent prone to breakdowns, support from someone who can listen, understand, and not impose their “only correct” view of education is extremely important. It is equally important to keep a distance from those who are ready to lecture and criticize. If there is no one in the family to get support from, you can turn to a psychologist.
Finally, it is extremely important to treat yourself more positively, kindly, learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes, see in each of them an opportunity to change for the better.