My daughter has a stomachache for the third day before school. My son has a fever every morning. Child psychologists are sounding the alarm — more and more children refuse to attend classes not because of laziness or a banal unwillingness to learn. What parents should do, says child and adolescent psychologist Beatrice Copper-Royet.
School anxiety, school phobia, refusal to attend school, school neurosis… The names are different, but the problem is the same: the child refuses to go to classes. He perceives school not as a place where he communicates with peers and gains knowledge. For him, she is a constant source of fear and stress. How to be in this situation?
Parents must first learn to distinguish anxiety from anxiety. Episodic manifestations of anxiety before, for example, an important test or performance at a holiday is a normal reaction. Anxiety is a constant worry that develops into a reluctance to go to class. The child feels depressed every morning, he is not happy about the upcoming day, he is looking for an excuse not to go to school. At the same time, on weekends or on holidays, he behaves perfectly normally.
Most children are unable or unwilling to explain what is wrong. But every morning they have a “stomach ache” or “fever rises”. And often this is not a simulation — with severe anxiety, all the symptoms actually appear. Parents will have to determine the cause of this condition themselves.
Why does the child refuse to go to school
For first-graders, the problem is usually in difficulties with social adaptation. The child is simply uncomfortable in an unfamiliar environment and wants to go home, where everything is clear and familiar. This happens especially often in families where parents protected the baby from the difficulties and realities of life for a long time. As a result, the child feels like a stranger at school: he cannot find a common language with his peers and does not know how to communicate with teachers.
In this case, you need to actively engage in the socialization of the child, ask him to follow simple instructions: go to the nearest store, go with one of the adults — but not with mom and dad — somewhere by public transport. Parents should model situations in which the child can show independence.
Even primary school students are often afraid not to meet the expectations of their parents and worry if something does not work out for them. A child can get upset even because of minor failures — he forgot his notebook, even hooks in the recipes do not work out, parents took him out of class later than others.
The adaptation period lasts from a month to six months, after which the level of anxiety in younger students usually returns to normal
It is important not to make excessive demands on him, not to scold him for minor oversights and explain that not everyone succeeds the first time. Talk about your learning difficulties and how you dealt with them. The adaptation period lasts from a month to six months, after which the level of anxiety in younger students usually returns to normal.
The second turning point happens when you move into high school. But the anxiety of a teenager in relation to school life can also be a manifestation of character traits. What situations are most likely to cause anxiety?
The child is afraid that he will be punished at home for low grades or bad behavior.
— He is embarrassed to answer at the blackboard, he is afraid to make a mistake in public, he is afraid that everyone will laugh at him.
— Cannot find a common language with one of the teachers, faces ridicule, reproaches, nit-picking, low grades and inattentive attitude.
— Feels weak and insecure, for example, afraid that high school students will take away money or will be teased because of unfashionable clothes.
— He feels different from everyone else, cannot join any company and becomes an outcast.
— The child becomes infected with anxiety from loved ones. For example, a mother is very worried about grades, she constantly reminds that “it is important to study well, otherwise you will not go to university and become a janitor.”
He has an excellent student syndrome, he tries to be the best, constantly competes with other students and, as a result, is overloaded with tasks.
The main mistake of parents in any of these situations is not to pay attention to the problem or to think that “it will pass by itself”. Some schoolchildren are able to cope with the problem on their own, adapt to the situation, find themselves and their place in school life. They adequately respond to failures, do not worry about grades or comments. But most need help.
How can a parent help?
To begin with, it is very important to understand and accept the anxiety of the child. Remember: he has every right to it.
1. Sincerely, not for the sake of show, take an interest in the life, thoughts, feelings, fears of the child. Teach him to talk about them. Find out what lessons and why he likes. Is this the merit of the teacher or the child interested in the subject itself?
Ask not only about grades, but also about how and why they were given. What emotions did the assessment evoke – pride, disappointment, anger, shame? Being able to recognize and describe your emotions is a very important skill that will come in handy not only in school life.
2. Explain to your son or daughter that it’s okay not to know something or not to keep up. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Let the child do not hesitate to speak if he is tired or physically does not have time to complete the task. Unfortunately, today’s students are often overwhelmed.
3. Even if children’s problems do not seem serious, it is important to recognize the child’s right to them. Don’t discount the problem: «Just think, I forgot to learn the poem.» But don’t make an elephant out of a fly: “How could you not learn a verse? Why do you keep forgetting everything? In whom are you so irresponsible?
Always think about the consequences of such interference. Sometimes it can make things worse.
4. Do not rush to call the principal or the parents of a classmate who is teasing your child. Don’t intervene unless absolutely necessary. As a last resort, make sure that the son or daughter does not know about it.
Always think about the consequences of such interference. Sometimes it can make things worse. In addition, this way you will not teach the child independence.
5. Teach your child to draw conclusions from unpleasant situations — bad grades, quarrels with a classmate, squabbles with a teacher. The experience gained will help you avoid even more trouble.
6. Be an example for a child. Share with him your anxieties, worries, difficulties at work and tell how you overcome them. Teach your child — and learn yourself! Relax and adequately express negative emotions. Remember: calm happy parents have balanced children.
7. In some cases, if parents cannot help or competently understand the situation, it is better not to delay and contact a psychologist.