If you are normal parents, then you were incredibly pleased and proud when your child first recognized himself in the mirror, but you were ready to wring his neck when, for about two and a half years, he met all your attractive and reasonable offers with a loud and resolute “No! «. At first glance, it might seem that the first event is worth celebrating, while the second indicates the onset of hard times and causes at least mild horror, if not rage.
What is strange about these two stages of development is not that they are different, but that they are one and the same. In its own way, each event testifies to the most exciting and mysterious miracle: the child develops awareness of himself as a person.
Becoming a person is the essence of all development, and much in this process of discovering oneself is pleasant for parents. We love it when Johnny says, «Johnny wants it,» and we’re even happier when he has enough self-awareness to say, «I want it.» When it gets to the dramatic “I want” moment, we rave about its development.
The trouble is that «I want a carrot» must, according to the laws of nature, sooner or later turn into «I don’t want any carrots.» Being a person means having your own opinion and idea about things.
Sure, it’s great to say «yes» to life and the world, but when you’re very young, all those «yes» refer to things that someone else decides for you. The first “no” is probably the loudest statement a child can ever make, because this is the moment of his emergence as a person who says: “I have to start managing my own life.”
The child who revels in new-found power puts the parents into a twilight state; coolness will help them get out of this state if they understand what incredible courage it takes from him to move to the stage of denial.
Here you are, small and pretty, living happily ever after, and everyone is happy if you just smile, coo a little and give adults the opportunity to decide everything for you. No problem to put on a blue or green suit, no need to plan your day, no need to make big decisions like this: eat or not soft-boiled eggs. Just sit in the sun with no worries in your head.
Then, gradually, some strange, obsessive feeling arises that one can live in some other way than in this state of idleness, that they expect you to move forward at least a little. It’s you, not your mom, not your dad, not your aunt and not your sister, you hate blue pajamas, but you love blueberry pie and you can slide down the side of the hill, you want a fire truck and you don’t like being put to bed before everyone else. Apparently, it is time to explain this to the rest of the world, and thereby to yourself: there is a person who must be reckoned with.
The first «no» almost always causes a reaction of panic, numbness and regrouping in the camp of the enemy. Mom’s eyes widen and lips tighten, dad’s face turns red, and in his eyes you can read: «I want to spank you», the nanny threatens not to come anymore, grandmother says: «This is not my dear boy.» This “no” is a rather ill-advised joke. For a while, it seems that when a child says “no”, it only means that he wants to declare his “I”, and this confuses parents.
The mother says, «Darling, do you want your favorite cream cake?» in a voice as if he were being told to sit in the electric chair. This «no» applies to scrambled eggs, and going to the store, and, in addition, to everything that he does not like. When a child is very young, it seems that saying no and being a person are one and the same.
Of course, this is not so, and this misunderstanding will soon be cleared up if the parents do not go to extremes. If the fact that the child says “no” 90% of the time really upsets you terribly, if you understand that this is already a matter of principle, if you form two armed camps that stop all attempts to communicate with each other, then your opponent should consider it is a matter of honor to continue the struggle for independence in such an imperfect way, since he does not have time to try others.
If, on the other hand, parents are able to respect the courage that is required for a child experiencing a first crisis of self-consciousness, and if they can treat this with a measure of humor and prudence, then he will soon be able to understand that self-reliance requires more than pure denial.
The word «no» can be fun and a game for everyone. It loses its danger if the mother says «no» before the baby says it, and casually asks: «How about we eat some fish for breakfast, Johnny?» — and then, grimacing, he will answer himself: “No! Not! Not!»
When you say “no” to everything a child says to you, you are pointing out that something else will be better for his development, and not this stupid activity. I often told my daughter: “You are absolutely forbidden under any circumstances to brush your teeth and you cannot go to bed before midnight!” If it is said with a big smirk, it only strengthens parental authority and leads to positive results.
Respecting a child’s desire for independence means finding genuine ways to show him that you understand that he is taking on a personality of his own, with rights and privileges expanded. He may not understand that the transition from helpless child to self-responsible adult takes a long, long time, but you can help him come to this understanding faster.
“You are not yet old enough to cross the road alone, but you are now really old enough to choose for yourself what you will have for breakfast: cornflakes or bacon and eggs.” «You’re not old enough to decide when you go to bed, but you’re old enough to choose where you play during the day: in the park or at a friend’s house.»
The first «no» requires an immediate realization that the time has come for a more institutionalized choice, for greater opportunities to determine who and what this little man is and what he needs, as he stands there, saying boldly and defiantly: «I act, therefore , I exist»..
The «no» stage becomes negative when we issue a battle cry and turn it into a battle between our adult desires and the desires of a child. It becomes positive if we can rejoice at the birth of a new person and respect her, taking into account her opinion and desire when making a joint decision.
Here you stand, shaking with anger, convinced that you lost not only the battle, but the whole war, because the son says no to bathing, no to porridge, and no to taking off his shoes. At this moment, it will help you to correctly assess the situation and even rejoice at his success, if you think about it. “What can he, I hope, object to in time?” «No» — a group of guys who break windows on the way from school; “no” to a drug dealer; «no» — participation in a fight.