Many people think that the point of going to a psychologist is to get a set of specific recommendations, as in a consultation with a doctor. This is not so, explains therapist Alena Gerst. The task of a competent specialist is, above all, to listen carefully and ask the right questions.
Tips are worthless. They are only a temporary measure, a kind of first aid: apply a sterile bandage to a wound that requires serious treatment.
Competent psychotherapists identify the problem, but refrain from giving advice. Everyone who trains in this profession must learn the valuable skill of remaining silent. It is difficult — both for the specialist himself and for the client. However, the ability to find out as many details as possible is a key tool in psychotherapy. It is important to understand that your therapist is primarily an active listener, not an adviser.
This does not mean that they just look at you and give you the opportunity to speak out. Any experienced professional listens intently for specific cues to determine the direction of further conversations. And in general it all boils down to three themes.
1. What do you really want
Nobody knows us better than ourselves. That is why advice rarely helps to get off the ground. In fact, the answers have long been known, but sometimes they lie too deep, hidden under other people’s expectations, hopes and dreams.
To be completely honest, few people are interested in what we really want. We spend a lot of effort and energy trying to satisfy the desires and needs of others. This manifests itself in both big and small things. In how we spend our weekends, what we eat for lunch, what profession we choose, with whom and when we marry, whether we have children or not.
In many ways, the therapist asks one thing: what we really want. The answer to this question can lead to unexpected discoveries: something will scare, something will please. But the main thing is that we come to it ourselves, without prompting from outside. After all, the meaning lies precisely in becoming yourself again and living by your own rules.
2. What do you want to change
We do not always realize that we would like to change a lot, but this is not difficult to guess from our speech. But when our desires are voiced to us, we often react as if we had never thought about it.
The therapist listens to every word. As a rule, the desire for change is expressed in timid phrases: “Perhaps I could (la) …”, “I wonder what would happen if …”, “I always thought that it would be nice …”.
If you penetrate into the deep meaning of these messages, most often it turns out that unfulfilled dreams are hidden behind them. Intervening in hidden desires, the therapist deliberately pushes us to meet with subconscious fears. It could be the fear of failure, the fear that it’s too late to try something new, the fear that we won’t have the talent, charm, or money we need to reach our goal.
We find thousands of reasons, sometimes completely unbelievable, why we cannot take even a small step towards our dream. The essence of psychotherapy is precisely that we understand what is holding us back from change and want to change.
3. How do you feel about yourself
Many people don’t even know how badly they treat themselves. Our distorted perception of our own «I» is formed gradually, and over time we begin to believe that our idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbthe self is true.
The therapist listens to self-evaluative statements. Don’t be surprised if he catches your basic negative mindset. The belief in our own inadequacy penetrates the subconscious so deeply that we do not even notice how critical we are about ourselves.
One of the main tasks of psychotherapy is to help get rid of such thoughts. It’s possible: even if we think we’re not good enough, the therapist thinks otherwise. He brings out false beliefs so that we can have a more positive and realistic attitude towards ourselves.
The therapist does guide the conversation, but that doesn’t mean he has to give advice. When we meet him, we get to know ourselves. And in the end we understand what needs to be done. Sami. But with the help of psychotherapy.
About the author: Alena Gerst is a psychotherapist, clinical psychologist, and social worker.