What you need to know about manipulators

The culture of the consumer society prioritizes the result. Unlike the moralizing patriarchal era, modern culture does not call us to suppress desires, on the contrary, it abolishes shame and guilt and allows, with a clear conscience, to use our neighbor as a thing if this leads to social advancement. “It’s useless to fight the law, but some people start behaving as if the law doesn’t exist,” notes criminologist and forensic psychiatrist Dominique Barbier.

Being successful, full of energy, looking young and not letting yourself get old are the ideals of our world, and they “give birth to immature adults who see their children not as those who need to be patronized, but as competitors,” says psychoanalyst Jean-Claude Liauet. Many adults are too self-absorbed and therefore neglect their duties as educators or bring down their emotional experiences on children without listening to their feelings. Or, on the contrary, they impose their own egoistic aspirations on them, suggesting that the only law of life is the law of their desire.

“In this case, children become accomplices, comrades in breaking boundaries,” notes the psychoanalyst. It is from such children that unprincipled manipulators easily grow up in the future …

What is psychological manipulation?

Sophia, 28, met a photographer as a teenager who persuaded her to pose nude. This experience, he assured her, would give her self-confidence, teach her to value herself. In fact, this voyeur enjoyed her embarrassment and anxiety, and she still can’t stand her body today. 26-year-old Eduard had to quit: the boss did not appreciate his work, set him unattainable goals and reproached him for spending too much time in the toilet.

Alexandra, 53, has been married for twenty years to a man who is always ready to help and is respected by her neighbors. But at home he beat her and humiliated their son. When she timidly complained about this to her neighbors, they simply did not believe her. Sophia, Eduard and Alexandra have one thing in common: they were the toy of manipulators.

We are all potentially capable of such behavior, especially in childhood or adolescence: who among us has never made another person suffer? But the manipulator seeks to enjoy unlimitedly and use the other person according to his whim. His signs are a complete lack of empathy (empathy) and a tendency to move on to action and violate boundaries: it becomes a matter of honor for the manipulator to immediately achieve what he wants, whether it be an object, social status or another person.

The main weapon of the manipulator is the words that he masterfully masters, convincing, deceiving, mocking, humiliating, while we, his victims, remain speechless, because dialogue with him is impossible.

How do manipulators catch us in the network?

Manipulators do not suffer from anxiety. They rarely come to a psychologist, except to find peace with themselves: “Hello, my wife thinks I am too cynical and sends me to you. Well, here I am.” There is usually no second meeting. Only if the manipulator decided to have some fun at the expense of a psychologist. Therapists mostly meet victims, because manipulators have the ability to grope for our deepest secrets and take over our minds. In this case, we begin to doubt what we have heard, what we have experienced: we become completely confused.

Alexandra thought for a long time that she was imagining God knows what, because such a wonderful person as her husband could not do anything wrong. She also believed that it was her fault that she was being mistreated.

Manipulators make us ashamed of ourselves, consider ourselves stupid, awkward, disgusting, because they know how to find our weak points. We feel unworthy of love and relive the guilt that has been with us since childhood.

Where does it come from?

To understand a manipulator, you need to imagine the psyche of a three-year-old child – he thinks that everything is allowed to him, and considers himself more important than he really is. Just like the dependent tyrant child, he gets lost, gets sick, complains that he is not understood if we decide to leave. “Deep down he despises himself,” says Dominique Barbier. As a child, he experienced some kind of traumatic experience: “Something in him is broken, something interfered with relationships with other people at too early a stage, and these relationships did not have time to be established.”

It’s not that the manipulator can’t understand how others feel. He understands, but he doesn’t care. The cruelty that he shows to them carries a secret message: the world is corrupted, vile, like those who inhabit it. He never feels guilty. By mistreating us, he is not necessarily trying to destroy us: we are just toys for him.

On a rational level, he knows that making others suffer is forbidden: he is not crazy. But there can be no question of obeying universal human laws, the only thing that matters to him is his desire. And when you need to tame prey, he knows how to pretend to be attentive.

Why do they admire us?

Often such individuals are admired, their ability to go beyond the ordinary is fascinated, their actions may seem exceptional. 44-year-old Elena lived with a player who despised working for a salary for almost 15 years and supported him. She considered “brilliant” the strength of his character, which made him reject the “dull” values ​​- work, loyalty, politeness, goodwill, honesty.

Gradually, he drove all her friends away from her. She tried not to think about it, rare moments of awareness disturbed her. The last straw was betrayal. “I was sick and desperate,” she recalls. He was angry because we were going out of town for the weekend, to the casino, and this trip was in jeopardy. But he still went – on the other. And I took advantage of an unexpected surge of strength and fled to the only friend I had left.

What can we do to protect ourselves?

“First of all: drop the paranoia,” says the psychoanalyst. “Try not to see manipulators everywhere.” You should not complain that you have become a victim of a dangerous manipulator after the first family scandal or in the case when your boss is pretending to be a vulgar king. If you suspect someone of manipulation, check your impressions, read books or consult a psychologist. It is important to avoid immersion in the role of the victim and the obsessive desire to recoup.

Society not only breeds manipulators, but also encourages us to feel helpless by refusing to acknowledge our share of responsibility in the victim-persecutor pair. In fact, when faced with a manipulator, we always have the opportunity to say “no” and take our lives into our own hands.