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The desire to help a loved one cope with a difficult situation is a natural and laudable impulse. But when it comes to those who suffer from depression, you need to choose your words carefully. We tell you what word can cause harm and how to properly express care and support.
Imagine yourself in the most difficult psychological state of all possible. Even just getting out of bed is so difficult that it seems like a feat comparable to climbing Everest barefoot. Or suddenly, for no apparent reason, the heart begins to pound furiously and catches its breath. Now imagine that a friend who wants to help is trying to give advice and says something like, “Just try to exercise!” or “Just take a few deep breaths and calm down!”
The word “just” seems harmless, but it can do a lot of harm. It implies that the action you are advising to take (exercise or relax) will not require any special effort. But experts say that this is fundamentally wrong.
“Many people who suffer from anxiety or depression find it hard to do even simple tasks that seem easy to most,” says Elizabeth Duvall (University of Michigan), a psychiatrist who specializes in anxiety disorders.
Don’t be too pushy with advice
“Anxiety and depression are painful inner experiences that are often not noticeable to others. A person with this disorder is often unable to focus on business, because all his attention is captured by strong negative thoughts and emotions that he cannot control, ”explains Duvall.
It may seem that we find fault with trifles – what’s so terrible about one short word? Words affect others more than you think, especially when it comes to mentally ill people.
“The choice of expressions always plays a big role. It shows how we think and feel about people or situations. We won’t tell a person with a broken leg or recovering from surgery: “Just get better,” says psychiatrist Viktor Schwartz. This does not mean that the sick should not be given advice – on the contrary, they are in desperate need of support. How to express concern?
“You are very important to me”
First you need to show that you care about the person. “It is always good to let a person know that he is important to you and you are worried about him. Show that you do not leave him in difficult times and are ready to support, ”says Jill Harkavy-Friedman, vice president of research at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
“I understand that it is difficult, but why not try…”
It doesn’t have to be phrased like this, but it should show that you understand the difficulties that a person with anxiety or depression faces.
“It is important to discuss problems and difficulties slowly, gradually, at a pace that will be comfortable for the interlocutor,” says Viktor Schwartz. Do not immediately say: “Try to play sports.” Suggest going for a walk together. Show that you care. “Offer something healthy and positive — go for a walk together, go to the gym, watch a movie,” advises Elizabeth Duvall.
“In any case, do not be too pushy with advice, first ask a loved one what he would like himself,” says psychiatrist Amy Alexander. “If you want to give advice, it’s better to clarify first: “I have some ideas, but I don’t know if you want to talk about it now.” Some people don’t need advice, they just want to be listened to, that’s how you can help.”
“How can I help?”
A good way to show support is to ask this question. But it is important that these are not just words. There’s a huge difference between a fleeting “I’m here if you need” and a clear “tell me what can I do for you right now?”.
“I really like your…”
It is important to name something specific. For example, remind your best friend that they have a great sense of humor. Tell your brother that you really appreciate his willingness to always come to the aid of his parents.
“Remind the interlocutor what connects you with him, what attracts him. Perhaps, in his current state, he seems to have nothing to love him for, and he does not understand why you care about him. It is important to be there, to show patience and perseverance,” says Jill Harkavy-Friedman.
“There is nothing wrong with treatment”
Again, there is nothing wrong with seeking help from a psychologist or psychiatrist. It is important to convey this idea as clearly as possible to a loved one in order to help him decide on further actions and dispel negative stereotypes.
If a loved one suffers from a mental disorder, the most important thing is to remember how hard it is for him. For a person with depression, getting out of bed or exercising can be incredibly difficult. During a panic attack, it seems that it is completely impossible to stop the frenzied heartbeat and calm down. At such moments, you either feel like you’re about to die, or you don’t feel anything at all. Both of these disorders can unsettle a person so much that the performance of daily tasks becomes not only difficult, but even impossible.