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Talking about our heart problems, we usually present them to friends and relatives in a smoothed, “combed” form. But psychotherapists often have to hear what we really think and feel. Therapists list the most common problems women have in relationships with partners and tell how they can be worked with.
“He left all the worries about the house and children on me”
Dodging household chores and raising children is the main thing that patients of family psychologist Jennifer Chappel Marsh complain about. Even if a man enthusiastically gets down to business (as he should!), the emotional and psychological burden still falls mainly on women’s shoulders.
“The work of a housekeeper is usually not visible,” explains Marsh. – It is generally accepted that it is the woman who should notice that, for example, rice is over, and add it to the shopping list. It is she who must plan family entertainment, register children with doctors, hire a nanny, go to parent-teacher meetings and buy gifts. Of course, a woman can ask a partner for help. However, in all these situations, she is the “boss”, which means that she risks looking like a vixen, squeezing her henpecked husband out of the world.
Doing your share of household chores regularly will help your partner feel useful.
Psychologist Deborah Dyuly is sure that in such a situation it is important to calmly talk with your partner – talk about how hard it is for you, and list the specific cases that you would like to delegate to him. Often the husband simply does not realize how many responsibilities the wife has taken on, or does not know how to help her.
“Doing your share of household chores regularly—heating dinner, bathing the kids, vacuuming—will help your partner feel useful and give you the feeling of a secure shoulder by your side. You will both benefit from this, ”the psychologist assures.
“He calls me hysterical and crybaby”
Statements like “female hysteria” and “she came up with it herself – she was offended by herself” are a fiery greeting from those times when no importance was attached to the feelings and experiences of women. Today, when a partner or someone else labels you like that, you have every right to feel offended.
“Devaluation of emotions is a pathetic ploy by which a man tries to reduce the significance of your feelings,” explains family therapist Laura Heck. – Strong emotions: anger, sadness, disappointment – this is actually a call for help addressed to a partner. And he doesn’t always know what to do with it. He is uncomfortable, he may even be scared, and his only desire is to somehow extinguish the volcano of your passions. In these situations, the therapist recommends asking yourself, “Why is he reacting this way to my sadness? What does he feel?
According to Jennifer Marsh, the opportunity to tell each other about your feelings is the key to a strong emotional attachment. But only if it’s mutual! You poured out your soul to your partner – he answered the same. Wonderful. But the game “in one goal” is the right way to break.
“Emotional connection fuels positive self-image and relationships,” says Marsh. – Partners are important to each other, one takes care of the other. The opposite is also true: if a woman does not feel an emotional connection, she begins to fight for the love, intimacy and indifference of her partner. The psychologist argues that emotional closeness is often due to cultural norms and gender expectations.
The more free and friendly the conversation is, the sooner a man will be able to put his feelings into words.
“Men are generally taught to hold back their emotions,” she explains. “But if a woman behaves like this, her restraint is mistakenly understood as callousness.”
To address this problem, Marsh suggests setting aside regular time for heart-to-heart conversations with a partner. “In such moments, the main thing is to create a calm, trusting atmosphere. The more free and friendly the conversation is, the sooner a man can finally put his feelings into words.
“I don’t think he sees me as a woman”
In long-term relationships, passions do not always boil: sometimes there may be no physical intimacy between partners for quite a long time. In order for the fire of desires to burn, you need to constantly throw up firewood – make efforts. Patients of Deborah Dyuly often complain of cooling from long-term partners.
“The longer you live with a person, the less desire they feel for you – that’s how they feel,” the therapist shares. – And it doesn’t matter if it’s an official marriage or a civil one. If you dig deeper, it turns out that there was no systematic work on this side of the relationship.
You can establish an intimate relationship with a partner – start with hugs, a romantic dinner
What do you do to get back on track? Duley recommends re-introducing dates and other ways of spending time together that both enjoyed during the romantic period.
A woman can boost her sexuality and self-confidence by joining a fitness club or wearing her favorite outfit. In addition, you can try to establish an intimate relationship with a partner through hugs, romantic dinners, exchange of frank SMS messages.
“I don’t understand why he doesn’t give a damn about what is important to me”
Men tend to underestimate the problems of women – so say many patients of the therapist Susan Piz Gadua. The partner reacts to an unpleasant situation differently, and the woman concludes that he does not care. However, according to Gadua, in most cases this is not the case: men simply have a different mechanism for working out an emotional situation. Perhaps the partner exposes emotions to analysis. Or he was taught from childhood to restrain manifestations of feelings.
“In a recent session, a wife told her husband how offended she was with him when she broke her leg while skiing together. Instead of words of sympathy and empathy: she is in pain, she is bedridden and forced to miss work! – the husband said only “hold on”, and then made it clear that he did not want to talk about it anymore. Such a cold attitude was a real blow to her. Later, the husband realized that in this situation it was impossible to measure his wife and himself with the same yardstick. Men tend to endure pain, drown out fear and solve problems alone, but this is not always right.
“He’s not nice to me”
“I always get a little lost when a woman criticizes her partner for his aggressive and even abusive behavior throughout the entire session, and then complains that, they say, she does not see manifestations of love and affection from him,” Laura Heck admits.
In such cases, according to the therapist, the woman has already, as a rule, taken a number of steps: she asked her partner to sit closer, hug, hold hands on a walk – but her requests remained unanswered. This upsets her, and she is indignant, hoping to get at least some emotional response from her partner – even if not the one she was counting on.
“As a result, the woman unleashes all the dogs on her partner, he explodes in response – the goal has been achieved,” explains the psychologist. – Of course, the reaction of a man is very far from love and affection. But apparently, for some, it’s better than nothing. Look for any, even the most modest manifestations of love in the behavior of your partner and encourage them. And remember, the more you give, the more you get.”