We are embarrassed and upset by the shape of our body, we are worried that we will not be able to clearly express our thoughts … No, in general, we are not too pleased with ourselves! This is what the results of the polls say, which we asked our experts to comment on.
We and our appearance
“My appearance does not suit me,” almost 89% of men and women admit. Dissatisfaction with one’s height, physique or weight can develop into a painful complex. And if in different societies women from time immemorial were prescribed to preen, dress up – in a word, not be satisfied with their natural appearance, then the fact that almost a third of (interrogated) men worry about their appearance is a feature of our time. “Just like women, under the influence of the media, they compare their faces and bodies with impeccable media characters,” comments family psychotherapist Ekaterina Zhornyak. – In addition, success and competitiveness today are more associated with physical attractiveness. The result is that more and more men are joining the race for impeccable looks: manicures, suits of respectable brands … And this really increases (temporarily) their self-esteem.”
What do we especially dislike about ourselves? The leader, of course, is weight: almost 48% of women and 32% of men are dissatisfied with it. Actually, there is nothing to explain here: slender sylphs and ephemeral naiads, gracefully striding in advertising, in films and magazines, quite successfully inspired us that beauty is impossible without graceful forms. As a result, we always seem to ourselves too full. You can repeat as much as you like that the main thing is inner beauty; everything that surrounds us simply cries out for the outside, quickly returning us to mortal earth. And here is the result: about 22% of women and more than 18% of men cannot come to terms with their own stomach – the part of the body that most clearly demonstrates our overweight.
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- Living with a Narcissist
Most of the respondents (80%, mostly women) are not sure that they know how to dress beautifully. This is also not surprising: women are taught to flirt from early childhood, they certainly need to be liked. Later, magazines tell girls what to wear so they don’t look ordinary or funny. But fashionable styles are designed for women with an exemplary figure and cannot fit well on everyone else …
“When I work with teenagers, I see that feathering, the outer image that is created with clothes, and especially with cult brands, is extremely important for them,” says psychotherapist Christophe André. “So the number of adults who (they think) can’t dress will only grow.”
We and culture
Most of our complexes are connected with the inability to think clearly and clearly express our ideas (almost all survey participants talk about this); 88% do not believe in their intellectual abilities, 86% doubt that they can be called cultured people1. A quarter of men and 20% of women say they are generally dissatisfied with their education2. In our time, when higher education is available to almost everyone, those who do not feel they have enough intellectual and cultural baggage behind them feel inferior compared to those who have managed to take advantage of the available opportunities.
“Such a number of dissatisfied with their education, culture and intellect should rather be considered encouraging,” says Christophe André. “The feeling of dissatisfaction in this case serves as an incentive for development.” Indeed, it is better to worry about the level of culture than because of the inability to dress, because knowledge and the ability to convince open the way to power and influence in society and thus bring a feeling of confidence, security, strength.
“Those who do not value themselves, whose self-esteem is too low, as a rule, doubt their intellectual abilities,” continues Christophe André. – Psychotherapists often work on “negative self-assertion.” You can learn not to be ashamed of your mistakes and shortcomings, your ignorance, misunderstanding of what is being explained to us. Such an exercise helps to realize that gaps in knowledge do not make us inferior. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and there is no perfection in the world.”
us and sex
Sexual competence, lack of confidence in their sexual “mastery” worries 68% of men and women. But were all the respondents completely sincere? “Doubts in the style of“ am I sexually successful enough (on) ”are familiar to each of us, but men are certainly in the lead here,” says sexologist Yevgeny Kashchenko. – Which is natural, because their narcissism and self-esteem are directly related to their virtues as lovers, and identity is inseparable from masculinity and sexuality. Men fantasize about their sexual omnipotence more often than women, because it is sex that allows them to most fully feel their masculinity, their strength.
Difficult confessions
So how many people consider themselves notorious? 83% of respondents admit that they have complexes. More than half believe that they were able to adapt well to them, but for 40% of respondents they are a source of real difficulties. There were very few of those who claim that they never had complexes (1%). In the era of perfectionism and the cult of achievements in all areas of life, these people can be considered heroes!
Complexes are closely related to our self-esteem. “Self-doubt is the main reason that we have doubts about the reality of our own achievements, the significance of our actions and the strength of virtues,” explains sociologist Polina Kozyreva. – 72,1% of Russians are aware that they lack self-respect3. But 77,5% are generally satisfied with themselves and believe that their future depends on their personal efforts. At the same time, comparing themselves with those around them, 26,5% think about their own uselessness, 11,9% feel like failures, 24,4% do not know what they could be proud of in life.”
Complexes are inherent in both sexes (although most men and women are still sure that they have many good qualities). But there are also some differences between the sexes. “Women more often than men feel helpless when faced with everyday (everyday) problems (43,2% and 25,1%), and more often they cannot cope with them (28,6% and 18,8%),” continues Polina Kozyreva . “They more often admit that they cannot always fulfill their plans (57,6% and 45,4%), among them there are more unsure of their ability to influence what happens to them (39,5% and 28,6%)” 4.
The higher the level of education, the less, as a rule, a person is prone to complexes. Age also matters. “The older a person is, the more tolerant he becomes towards himself and the more successfully he manages to get along with himself,” says Christophe Andre. “Growing up and gaining experience, we understand that happiness is not in appearance, not in social status or professional success, but in getting closer to ourselves.”
1. For more details see www.psychologies.ru
2. According to a European survey conducted in April 2003 by the sociological company TNS Sofres.
3. The study was conducted by the research center “Demoscope” within the framework of the “Russian monitoring of the economic situation and health of the population” in October-November 2005.
4. Ibid.