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Narcissists do not often come to therapy: everything is fine with them, and if someone does not like something, this is his problem. Meanwhile, those around you are having a hard time: communicating with narcissists is exhausting and exhausting, and this experience is difficult to consider as a lesson. Most people take time to move away from such relationships. And then you can already draw useful conclusions.
Today, narcissists have come to be called everyone, including difficult partners, those who are called toxic. Meanwhile, narcissistic personality disorder is indeed a disorder: a condition characterized by excessive self-obsession, an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a deep need for the admiration of others.
Anyone who has spent a lot of time with a narcissist will tell you that hanging out with them is like riding an emotional rollercoaster: highs followed by equally sharp lows. What lessons can be learned from such relationships?
1. Healthy relationships are built on consistency and consistency.
Sounds boring, doesn’t it? I want a carnival of passions, adventures, spontaneity… But in order to build a resourceful relationship full of love and warmth, consistency and constancy are necessary. They are the basis for support, empathy, the ability to share the innermost with a partner. You understand this especially well, having already left the relationship with the narcissist.
Usually, the connection with him begins with a cascade of gifts, compliments, surprises. They call you a kindred spirit, “the same one” (or “the same one”), they say that they have never felt anything like this before, and before meeting you they never loved anyone at all. And here is a subtle point: healthy relationships can begin exactly the same. But the narcissist pretty quickly “transplants” you to the American races, not allowing you to buckle up, and now you are already rushing to who knows where and not knowing what awaits you on the next bend.
2. Boundaries matter in any relationship.
In a relationship with a narcissist, the word “boundaries” can be crossed out of the dictionary. Stay at home alone, lie down and watch a series? Forget about it: after hearing your plan, the partner declares that he is already dressing and driving. To meet friends? Just not today: the partner came up with something just for the two of you.
Narcissists do not respect your boundaries or your time, because your main purpose is to strengthen their self-esteem. They absolutely do not need you to date and have a great time with someone else. Sooner or later, they will most likely begin to speak negatively about your relatives and friends in order to cut you off from them. And at first, it’s even nice to feel that someone wants to spend all their time with you. But the intensity of communication increases, the noose around your neck tightens, and you feel less and less comfortable.
You dream of a breath of fresh air – and you will get it, but only when the narcissist himself wants it. For example, because he will have more interesting things to do, and he will simply leave you alone. Boundaries are important in any relationship, and your job is to define them and teach those around you not to violate them.
3. It is important to be true to yourself
At the beginning of a relationship, almost all of us want to appear better than we really are, but narcissists wear masks masterfully like no other. Self-confidence and charisma – this is how they show themselves to the world. But behind this “facade” lies a deeply insecure person who, in childhood, did not have the opportunity to feel his own significance, who “sculpted” a new face for a long time and carefully, based on his ideas about how others want to see him or what can help him to feel successful and loved.
Most of us are not at all the people we appear on social networks, and this is normal. We have the right to control the impression we make on others, and we do not have to flaunt our worst features. The main thing is not to hide them from yourself.