A man has returned from a friend’s funeral and is erasing the name of the deceased from his notebook. For him, this is an event. But who makes this moment of life an event? A big, difficult, painfully emotional event? He himself. Only himself. Makes it a face, memories, a return to memories. He has a right to these experiences — but if suddenly you prefer other experiences, you can also become their author.
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Sufferer, why do you carry your misfortune like a flag? Everyone had their losses, and now what are we going to do about it? Suffer all your life?
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Losses in life are inevitable, at least people are sure of it.
How to perceive losses? What to worry about losses?
From the book by N.I. Kozlov “How to treat yourself and people: practical psychology for every day”
When I was 26 years old, I worked in a pioneer camp as the head of an aircraft modeling circle. During shift changes, I climbed into the carpentry workshop to make slats on a circular saw. The block fell off, and the hand flew over the screeching disk. Further — in slow motion: I see — something bloody dangles below the palm, the fingers are almost completely cut off. I remember my first thoughts then very well: “I cut it off. What did you lose? — Lost my guitar, typewriter and karate. (By the way, I was mistaken — I lost only the guitar). Is life worth living with these losses? — Costs». He drew a line: «So, we must continue to live happily.»
He looked to see if the severed fingers were lying around, took the cut hand in the other, outlined how to go and carefully, calmly walked, trying not to lose consciousness. I walk along the road to the camp car and shout loudly but in a calm voice: “Come to me! For help! I cut my hand!” He came up, lay down on the grass and gave clear orders to those who ran up: “Two plastic bags and ice – quickly!” (to pack the hand in the cold — I was hoping for a microsurgical operation). «To Moscow — quickly!» On the way, I sang songs, it distracted both me and those accompanying me … Microsurgery was not enough for me, but the doctors sewed almost everything.
According to my impressions, the most calm and sensible person in this situation (except, of course, doctors) was me.
Tips & Tricks
For people of an emotional warehouse (more often these are women), experiences with the loss of something dear — the loss of a home, work, life prospects, the loss of loved ones or serious problems with one’s own health — all these experiences are strong and serious, and it is far from always possible to cope with them immediately and independently. In these cases, time, distractions, good friends and smart loved ones heal. If saying “Everything, never” to yourself all at once is too difficult, it is useful to occupy yourself with building a new future: a future in which you can live. Slowly look at this future, get acquainted with it in various details, gradually paint it with different colors, fill it with events. And only then, already having this base, turn on the realization that what was lost is already lost, everything has already happened and will never return — never.
It is important that the positive part of the work takes place before the negative. This is how the house is demolished. First they build a new one, then they demolish the old one.
Often at the moment of loss, people greatly exaggerate the size of the loss and immediately evaluate it as a Catastrophe. After some time, it usually turns out — no, not a disaster. Just a nuisance. Or trouble, but not a disaster. To maintain objectivity, the following techniques help:
- Downplay what happened. If a roll occurs, it is necessary to roll in the opposite direction. If you say «That’s bullshit!» — of course, this is not true, but the direction of thought is interesting and rather useful.
- Assess the lost from the third position of perception, through the eyes of an outsider. Looking at what happened from the outside, people usually become calmer.
- Estimate what happened in terms of money. How much will it cost to eliminate the loss? It often turns out that this amount is quite affordable for you.
- Take a look at what happened in the distant future: “How will I feel about this in 20 years?” — As a rule, we understand that it is quite calm. And even with a thoughtful smile: “Lord, why did I worry then!”
- Look for an opportunity to scoop out the positives. «I could have lost more.» “Now I can do this and that.”
- Compare with your main values: you are alive, you still have relatives, friends — and choose what you plan to pay attention to.
- Keep yourself busy, fix what you can, help (if necessary) others — this is the best psychotherapy.