What to lean on in the experience of grief: 8 pillars of strength

Every person is unique, so making a list of what works for everyone is impossible. Nevertheless, psychotherapist Julia Samuel has formulated general principles to follow when going through the most difficult times.

The therapist came up with the idea of ​​“pillars of power”—structures that support and allow life to be rebuilt. They will not appear out of nowhere: you will have to work hard and follow the plan. The pillars of power act as a whole: you cannot focus on one and ignore the rest. They require attention and time, and as a result will give you strength that will grow over time.

Pillars of Power

1. Relationship with the deceased person

The main indicator of our pain is the quality of the relationship with the deceased person and our love for him. The more important he was to us and the more we loved him, the more we will miss him. Our relationship with the deceased person is preserved, albeit in a different form. We continue to love him even though he is no longer around. For some people, this is very important, while others can remember a person only on special days, for example, on the anniversary of death. To help yourself, you need to find a way to express these relationships. For this you can:

• wear a thing that connects us with a deceased person – for example, a watch or a scarf;
• come to his grave; create a “box of memories” and put special items into it – his glasses, postcards or dried flowers; create a photo album; write to him in a diary or compose separate letters;
• cook his favorite dish;
• post photos on the Internet that he would like.

There are many ways to express a relationship that continues even after the death of a person. It is important to find your own – this will help relieve the pain. Over time, the number of actions can be reduced.

2. Relationship with yourself

Grief changes our attitude to the world. Your relationship with yourself also changes. We must show compassion to ourselves, listen to our needs, show kindness, and avoid self-criticism. We have to accept that bad feelings don’t make us bad. We may have conflicting and confusing thoughts, and it is helpful to clear them up by keeping a journal. Describing conflicting feelings – for example, both relief and sadness due to the death of a person – we can figure out what is happening inside us. Accurate understanding will be support that research has shown to be as effective as talking therapy.

We all need defense mechanisms, so it’s helpful to understand yours. It is worth understanding whether new mechanisms need to be developed in a particular situation. For example, if you withdraw into yourself when you are upset, you risk not getting the support you need. You need to understand this and share your true feelings with loved ones.

Grief denial is a natural and important element of self-protection. Acceptance always comes with time: we just can’t grasp reality all at once. A new loss will most likely remind you of past losses. It doesn’t mean that we’re going crazy or that we haven’t experienced grief in the past. This is fine.

3. Ways of expressing grief

Some express grief when communicating with family or friends. Others keep a diary, others draw, write music or work with a psychologist. There is no right way to express grief. The main thing is to voice your feelings. If we do this regularly, we will create a pillar of strength that will help us cope with pain.

4. Time

It is important to understand that in a state of grief, the characteristics of time change. Give yourself more time to make decisions – both immediate, such as arranging a funeral (if there are no religious requirements), and long-term. We may feel the need to act because the feeling of powerlessness is too great. However, it is worth taking the time to think.

The state of grief lasts longer than we would like. You can’t get rid of it. We can only find ways to support ourselves. When we try to block out grief, we put ourselves at risk of physical and mental illness. Fortunately, over time, the intensity of the pain decreases. We adapt and re-immerse ourselves in life.

Our relationship seems different over time: the future can be scary, and you want to return to the past. The best solution is not to look too far.

5. Body and mind

The death of a loved one can seriously affect our key pillars – body and mind. Neuroscience shows that every thought has a physiological component that we feel in the body. Body and mind are so connected that they are denoted by one word (mindbody). Neuroscientists say: “The body remembers, the body keeps score”, implying that all sensations are stored in our body and unconsciously influence our thoughts and decisions. The pain of grief is physically felt in the body and affects our thoughts and behavior. Often it is perceived as fear and causes increased anxiety.

It is important to establish a routine that will help control the body and guarantee emotional support. The more familiar the action, the more effective it is. The mode should include:

• cardiovascular exercises (jogging, walking or any sport) – they will reduce the feeling of fear,
• relaxation or meditation exercises to help manage anxiety
• regular meals without the abuse of sugar, coffee and alcohol (in the future this may result in negative consequences).

6. Personal boundaries

Loss often affects our productivity and responses to situations. If we soberly assess the situation and understand that it is dangerous for us, it is important to confidently say “no”. Ironically, this multiplies the power of our yes. Friends and family members may begin to take control of our lives while we experience grief. They will want to bring us back to normal life, but no one but us knows our boundaries. We must clearly label them.

7. Structure

In the chaos of grief, it may seem to us that the world has fallen off its axis. Therefore, it will be useful to build a pillar of the structure, leaving room for maneuver (excessive control is not always productive). Develop a structure of good habits:

• go in for sports,
• do any housework
• take time to remember the deceased person,
• consciously do things that calm you down: buy flowers, ask someone to give you a massage, cook something delicious, watch a series, listen to music, read (although some people find it difficult to concentrate on reading at first),
• get enough sleep.

The structure of good habits has a cumulative effect: the more often we follow these habits, the better we feel. It takes about six weeks for an action to become a habit that you follow without thinking.

8. Focus

Grief lives in our body. It is often described as a “lump” in the throat or coldness in the stomach. Sometimes a person feels his arms, legs or head become heavy. If we cannot describe these sensations in words, it is worth doing a focusing exercise – this will help open and release bodily sensations. Turn your attention inward, become aware of the sensations in your body, and begin to breathe. I usually ask patients to do the following:

• Close your eyes.
• Take three deep and slow breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.
• Direct your attention inward.
• Move your attention around the body until you find the most sensitive places.
• Breathe “into” these places.
• Choose a word that describes this place. Does it have a shape or color? Is it hard or soft?
• If it could speak, what would it say?

Follow the image in your mind.

It may be impossible for some to follow the principles outlined above in the first weeks or months after a difficult event, while others will be able to immediately focus on them. Dealing with grief is never easy. It is a thorny and often long way, but you will definitely be able to overcome it.

Read more in Julia Samuel’s book Experiencing Grief. Stories of life, death and salvation” (Peter, 2019).