Children’s tantrums always take parents by surprise, but if a son or daughter suddenly starts screaming loudly and falling to the ground in a crowded place, this is doubly unpleasant. What should parents do if the child has a tantrum, and there is simply no time to wait for it to end?
Psychologist Laura Markham, like many of her colleagues, is sure that sometimes children just need to scream. Their behavior — as well as ours — is governed by emotions and needs.
If we want a child’s behavior to change, we need to allow him to show emotions — to cry, complain, stomp his feet. When a child is restrained, his emotions accumulate inside and can break out at the most inopportune moment.
Moreover, after an emotional outburst, the child usually becomes more accommodating and behaves perfectly for the rest of the day, and sometimes for a week. He quarrels less with siblings and is more affectionate. This means that by remaining calm and loving when a child cries loudly, we are rewarded for this and begin to value tears more than the ability to restrain emotions.
It is important that the child knows that he was listened to, understood and his interests taken into account.
But sometimes we don’t have time — let’s say we need to pick up another child from kindergarten. Or, for example, while a baby crawls on the ground, putting leaves in his mouth, a two-year-old throws a tantrum on a swing, and their four-year-old brother does not want to leave the park and hides behind a hill.
If it is not possible to wait for the child to calm down, you need to prepare for a possible emotional reaction by using one of the following methods.
1. Get ready early. If you know that your baby screams every time he leaves the playground, try picking him up from the park half an hour earlier. During this half hour, he will have time to cry and calm down, and you will arrive at school on time for your older child or you will be there a little earlier and take a walk around the school.
2. Look at the situation through the eyes of a child. No wonder he doesn’t want to leave the playground — it’s fun there. But if the child feels that he is understood, he will more often do what he is asked to do, even if he does not see the benefit in it. Empathy is your secret weapon. It is important that the child knows that he was listened to, understood and his interests taken into account.
3. Get him interested. The child needs something to strive for. It can be a playground near the older brother’s school, music that he can choose in the car, permission to open the car himself. Sometimes it’s enough to offer a choice: jump out of the park like a kangaroo, or fly like a rocket.
4. Apply the Divide and Conquer principle. Do you have multiple children? Take the elder as an ally: if he has an incentive to leave the park, he will be able to persuade the younger ones.
5. If all else fails, just carry the screaming child in the right direction. Try to talk about how you understand his feelings, on the way to the car. This way he will know that he is being heard. If he can’t hear you, just shut up. If you failed to support the child in the manifestation of emotions, most likely you will have a tantrum in the car or later at home. But now he knows for sure: if you said it was time to go, then it is, and you will remain true to your decision.
It is best not to appease the hysteria that has already happened, but to prevent breakdowns. Prepare for negative manifestations in advance, show empathy, show love, allow noisy games. This will help children learn to manage emotions and behavior.
About the Author: Laura Markham is a psychologist and author of Calm Parents, Happy Kids.