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Hello! Have you heard the phrase «There is such a word»? Usually, teenagers and those who are only on the path of becoming, have not yet matured internally and want to “slip away” from obligations react very violently to it.
But there are times when a person, on the contrary, with the help of this phrase drives himself into a dead end, distributing existing and non-existing debts.
So what to do and how to get to work if you really need it, but don’t feel like it at all?
Responsibility
Responsibility in psychology is considered the main assistant in achieving autonomy. That is, a person is considered mature and developed if he is able to be responsible for his actions and words.
She can make her own choices and understand the consequences that await her. But sometimes there is a bias, that is, either there is too much or too little.
In the first case, a person takes on a bunch of obligations and tends to think that he is responsible for the nearby people and their well-being.
In the second, the individual is simply trying to avoid responsibility. And if this is not a child, then he can simply be ranked among a number of dependent individuals. After all, those who are not able to take responsibility for their actions are not able to make decisions.
He seems to be waiting for someone else to come and solve all his problems for him. Or he thinks that the surrounding people and even objects are to blame for his failures.
«Imaginary» freedom
A person has the right to do as he sees fit. And if you completely ignore the “must” part, focusing only on “I want”, then you can suffer very much. Children and infantile personalities tend to behave in a similar way. As already mentioned, they are not capable of being held accountable for their actions.
They want to have everything and for that they have nothing. On the one hand, it sounds great, but on the other hand, this is real only in fairy tales or cartoons.
Life is amazing, but not quite simple. And if you want something, you need to make an effort to make the desire come true. Some more, some less, but you still need it.
Because, for example, having stopped going to work and having no other source of income, one day you may find that you are without heat, light, water and food.
Freedom is «imaginary» because we have the right to do as we please. But, in turn, whether we like it or not, we will have to bear responsibility.
Debt
There are a number of obligations that are usually «inculcated» in childhood. I am about the duty to the Motherland, parents and all those who took part in the cultivation of the little man.
On the one hand, they form his morality, morality. But, on the other hand, they are “driven” into toxic guilt, which does not develop and which is almost impossible to get rid of.
You can repay debts as much as you like, but the result is the same — they seem to dissolve like snow in an oven. Saturation, satisfaction or happiness does not come, no matter how hard a person tries.
Let’s take the most relevant example for modern society with parental duty. Some individuals take it so seriously that they try to pay off their parents for giving them life.
Do you know how? They refuse it, dedicating it to them. Suppose, trying to be good, the way they want to see and go to study as a doctor. Because traditions must be respected. Mom and dad have invested so much effort to grow up, their expectations cannot be let down and become an actor, as the soul desires.
And no matter what a person does, no matter what sacrifices he makes, he risks getting an internal conflict when there is both love for relatives and a desire to destroy them.
But he will never repay the debt in this way. For one simple reason — he did not participate in his conception. And did not ask to give him life. It was someone else’s decision. And the only thing he can do is then to pass on to his children the love and knowledge that he received from mom and dad. So that those, in turn, have something to pass on.
How can that be?
Mindfulness
If they throw the phrase “there is such a word necessary” to you, first of all, think, but who needs it? If you do, why didn’t you think of it yourself? But if to another person, then how much are you really responsible for his well-being? Why do you need to solve its difficulties?
If you want to help, be useful and just show love, care, show how important he is to you — this is one thing. But if you have to make efforts and help him only because, for example, he manipulates, you should carefully understand why you “believe” his tricks.
And in general, it is important to independently investigate each case and ask yourself “Why am I doing this?”, “What do I want to get?”. Because, whatever one may say, the responsibility for the choice will have to be borne by the one who made the decision. And only he can listen to his own feelings, thoughts, desires, reactions to outside interference.
List
To deal with your debts, I suggest dividing a sheet of paper into three columns. First write down the people to whom, in your opinion or their opinion, you owe something.
Second, next to each name, try to describe what exactly you feel guilty about. Well, in the third column, indicate what actions you can use to completely close this debt and experience satiety, peace and relief.
It happens that we blame those who are no longer alive. This complicates the task, but then try to refer to it mentally. Or write down what is bothering you on paper, which you then give to the fire or simply tear.
If you have caused him serious harm and words alone are not enough, contact the close people whom he loved and do something good for them.
wishes
In society, there are many rules and regulations that must be followed. And to get approval, sometimes you have to «get out of your own skin.» Where there is no desire, there is no energy. Therefore, it is not surprising that there is resistance to some actions.
Try to explore what you really want. Choose the methods that are more acceptable to you in order to achieve what you want.
If you find it difficult to even sketch out your unmet needs, use Maslow’s pyramid. In it, they are structured and will serve as a basis on which you can rely.
Autotraining
Say the phrases below and try to listen to how they feel.
- I am responsible for:
- what I say, how I behave and what I do;
- your life and everything that happens in it;
- I appreciate:
- another person’s life. But I’m not responsible for it. It is only his right to live it and equip it the way you want.
- my life, as well as what happens to me. The experience that I have gained is important to me.
You can read more about autotraining here.
Recommendations
But what if it turned out that you need to do something, but you don’t want to at all?
Memories
Try to remember how this unwanted action is connected to your past? For example, do not go to the doctor because once in childhood you were afraid of some kind of procedure. The psyche has forced out this situation, time has passed, you completely forgot about this case. But you can’t force yourself to go to the reception.
“Dig into” the halls of your memory, suddenly you will be able to find a connection between events in the past and a lack of motivation in a certain area.
Planning
Planning allows a person to internally prepare for what causes protest. Distribute responsibilities, organize yourself and the space for changes, announce changes to others, if necessary. But the most important thing is to tune in to them, understand that this is inevitable, come to terms and develop an action plan that will help you complete your plan faster.
Effective ways to increase motivation
What inspires and motivates you to act? Maybe the thought that the wish came true? After all, visualization, that is, a detailed representation of the fact that the dream is realized, really helps in such cases.
Or maybe you are more stimulated by competition? The spirit of competition warms up feelings and activates the body, it will spend energy and other resources directly on achieving victory.
If you can’t answer this question on your own, don’t worry. This article lists many ways to help increase your motivation.
Completion
If you feel a breakdown and lack of desire, when you just want to lie down, do nothing and not communicate with anyone, most likely, we are talking about depression, apathy. Use the recommendations in this article.
Take care of yourself and be happy!
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina