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When we are hurt, it hits not only our self-esteem, but also our deepest values. Will we be able to keep in touch with them if we want to destroy everything around and take revenge on the offender?
We face injustice and resentment throughout our lives. Both children and adults have to make difficult choices: kick back or choose their own path at the risk of disappointing others.
Victoria and treason
Victoria learns that her lover had a brief affair with a colleague. She seeks support from her friends, but each of them advises what she considers right. “Let him give you a ring / fur coat / car.” “Send him to live with his mother.” “Throw his favorite pants out the window.” “Tear his books.” “Give him a slap.” “Go to a bar and find yourself a one-night stand, but a younger one.” Meanwhile, the partner sincerely repents and expresses his readiness to do everything to save the relationship.
Victoria thinks: “Will it become easier for me if I cause material damage to my beloved, even if he deceived me? Will the material losses he suffers help mend the hole in my heart? Will a casual relationship increase my self-esteem? Will we be able to restore trust if we separate and do not communicate?
Victoria is firmly convinced that even if she breaks up with her beloved, she will have nothing to reproach herself with.
All the options proposed by her friends do not suit her for one simple reason: they do not correspond to her outlook on life. She sincerely believes that everyone has the right to make a mistake and one wrong step cannot cross out years of good, albeit not ideal, relationships. Victoria knows that destruction can harm her, but she does not hesitate to confess to her partner the most difficult feelings: anger, pain, emptiness.
Faced with betrayal, the girl chooses not to betray herself. She takes a more difficult path: she signs up for a psychologist and invites her partner to do the same, buys motivational books and decides to try to save the relationship. She asks her beloved for simple actions: let him share his experiences with her, let him not forget sometimes to buy flowers for her, let him change jobs, and then she is ready to try to stay with him.
Her friends are surprised and blame her for her weakness, but Victoria is firmly convinced that even if she breaks up with her beloved, she will have nothing to reproach herself with.
Misha and ridicule
Misha’s classmate Denis laughs at him. No, he doesn’t poison directly, he doesn’t say nasty things to Misha’s face, but he can giggle when he gets upset because of an unsuccessful answer at the blackboard. Or he says to mutual acquaintances: “Oh, Misha is generally some kind of fool!” It seems to be, and you won’t find fault, it seems, and doesn’t offend physically, but evil tongues in this case are clearly worse than a gun.
Misha’s friends offer him different options for action: “Hit him!”, “Let’s throw his shift on a tree?”, “Tell the teacher that Denis was playing on the phone yesterday in class!”.
Misha has been involved in sports for many years, including wrestling. But a fight outside the tatami is nonsense for him. In the class, he is considered a peacemaker and is greatly appreciated for this. In addition, Misha never took revenge on the offenders and is not sure that such a turn will not completely ruin his relationship with Denis.
The guys do not become friends, but Misha is glad that he behaved as his heart told him
Misha thinks: “If I climb on Denis with my fists or throw a bag with his sneakers out of the window, this will mean that he has achieved his goal – he has thrown me off balance. I will not do what I usually do, because I always wrestle only in the gym with opponents who wrestle like me. And I don’t treat others the way I wouldn’t want them to treat me.”
Misha decides to tell his parents about what is happening, and they, in turn, contact the class teacher and the school psychologist. It turns out that Denis’s parents recently divorced, and he is having a hard time with their separation. Perhaps his anger at Misha has nothing to do with the latter at all …
Classmates, contrary to Misha’s expectations, do not call him a snitch and support him, as he has supported them for many years. As a result, neutrality is established between him and Denis. The guys do not become friends, but Misha is glad that he behaved as his heart told him to. The boy does not tell anyone about what he learned about Denis’s family.
Be yourself no matter what
In the darkest moments of life, we need “the courage to stand our ground, to speak up about what we believe in, despite criticism and fear,” says psychologist, shame and vulnerability researcher Brené Brown. In the book “Contrary. How to be yourself when everyone is against you” she explores the elements of trust.
Brown believes that we can stay connected to our inner values even in moments of crisis if we find the courage to trust – others, the world and ourselves. The psychologist talks about the seven elements of trust that help us survive any storm and get out of it without changing the flags on our ships, that is, to maintain our values, even if we are torn apart by resentment and pain.
In a crisis, every element of trust turns into a challenge, and if we respond to this challenge correctly, then we remain true to ourselves, no matter what happens. Victoria and Misha, without suspecting it, used – each in his own way – the items from this list.
7 elements of trust according to Brené Brown
1. Borders
Learn to set, maintain, and respect boundaries.
Challenge: Give up on being liked by everyone. Don’t be afraid to disappoint others.
So, Victoria does not agree with her friends who offer measures uncharacteristic of her to “punish” a cheating partner.
2. Reliability
Try to say exactly what you mean and mean exactly what you say.
Challenge: Don’t promise something you can’t handle just to please someone with the promise.
Victoria is not sure that she can stay in a relationship, and does not promise forgiveness to her cheating partner.
3. A responsibility
Learn to take responsibility for your choices and correct what needs to be done.
Challenge: Drop blame and don’t cultivate shame.
Misha decides to involve his parents and a teacher in the conflict, whom he trusts, although he is ready for the fact that his classmates will not understand him.
4. Mystery
Learn not to share information that is not yours with anyone.
Challenge: Give up gossip, don’t make friends against a common enemy, don’t reveal too much information in the hope that you will gain intimacy with others.
Misha is not ready to act according to the template suggested by his friends and does not use his knowledge of what happened in Denis’s family so as not to offend him.
5. Wholeness
Learn to uphold values, even when it is unpleasant and difficult.
Challenge: Instead of being comfortable and waiting, take action.
Victoria turns to a specialist and does not wait until her mental wound heals by itself. She invites her partner to do the same – so she can understand if he himself is ready to change for her sake.
6. Refusal of evaluation
Learn to ask for help, but remember to only help others when asked.
Challenge: Give up on the idea of saving everyone and everyone. It says nothing about your value.
Misha does not impose his friendship on Denis: he remembers his problems, but does not believe that he should now solve them. Victoria sympathizes with her partner, but believes that he himself should figure out the reasons that led him to betrayal.
7. Nobility
Learn to set boundaries that allow you to maximize your generosity.
Challenge: Tell the world and others honestly and clearly about what you can and cannot do to you.
Victoria makes a list of conditions under which she agrees to try to start over.
Life is a daily choice, and the more it hurts us at the moment when we have to choose, the stronger the temptation to punish another, destroy him, hurt him. This is how the world tests us for strength. And to be ourselves in those moments when the earth seems to be slipping out from under our feet is the best gift we can give ourselves.